Family Circus

Alright, so I've been "cursed" to be part of my very... comical family.
It'd be cool if we all shared the same type of humor... but sadly, that is not the case.

Some of us know how to push buttons... while others are just witty (I'm sort of a button pusher... and sometimes things slip out when I'm trying to be serious, so I'm not really witty on cue).
I've had my share of problems due to my "humor" (worst one ending in me being called "Betty la fea" aka "ugly Betty" before ugly Betty was popular in the states... that one ended ALL wrong). I've really tried checking that part of me (yeah, I'll try to be serious... really, I will) because I get the feeling no one takes me seriously (plus, when I'm feeling depressed no one tries cheering me up... and that gets frustrating).
Lately, I've gotten into a mini argument with a friend over humor. It started a while back... with one of those stupid surveys off Myspace. I believe the survey was all about pet-peeves. I answered the thing, seriously, and I got some responses from friends... most of them along the lines of:

AHAHA! #29 was hilarious!...

And they'd go on and quote my response.
I found this funny because my responses were all 100 percent real... those were all my pet peeves and those were really things that went through my head when I encountered them, but there were people out there thinking I was trying to make them laugh (I guess I can be funny when irritated).
I guess this irritated one of my good friends (who really has to try to make people laugh... and in the middle of a "joke" she'll bust out laughing. Always a deal breaker with me unless it's a fucking awesome joke, but it's usually not)... and she started this... comedy war. A war I wasn't willing to participate in.
Who the hell am I to claim myself funnier over another person? Annnnd, why the fuck would I subject myself to being critiqued in my humor? Who the fuck did this person think she was? Joe Rogan? Gimme a break! This wasn't the Laugh Factory... it was the damn computer lab at UNLV!

"Nice try... but I'm funnier than you, AnoMALIE," was what she told me upon seeing me at the computer lab.
Yippy-fucking-skippy. Does it look like I care?
"But it's OK, I like being the funny friend. Chase is the smart friend, and you can be the chill friend," she said.
???
???
Whaaaattt?How about something more along the lines of the drunken-party-girl friend for you?
I didn't tell my friend anything... but after that scenario, I've never really tried being humorous around others.Who the hell is subjected to a comedy-off?

Anyway... something similar to my comedy-off has sprung amongst my brother and his "best" friend. I really don't know who started it all (I do... I just like to claim I don't), but things turned ugly quick.

While I keep my trap closed when someone rubs me the wrong way, my brother just gets more aggravated and REALLY pushes people over the edge.
It all started with Big Brother's Best Friend (BBBF) posting new pictures up from his Florida trip. Now this guy, who is also my cousin (hence why he and my brother have known each other for so long), has a really bad drinking habit. I guess he thinks it's attractive and cool. After he finishes drinking/partying, he gets the urge to eat... regardless of what time this hunger might strike: 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am, 6 am. He'll go out of his way to drive to the nearest Roberto's Taco Shop... and he'll STUFF his face.
So... all this drinking and eating has gotten him on the chubbier side.
My brother, an ex-military guy and boxer, really bugs BBBF about this weight gain:
"damn, biggie heffer...your gut is huge..lose that gut!" -Older Brother on BBBF's (whose real name rhymes with heifer and is spelled similar to "heffer") Myspace pictures.

Apparently, this really enraged BH (I am now going to reffer to BBBF as BH for Biggie Heffer), so he then went on my bro's page and wrote some "mean" comments on my brother's page. BH made fun of my brother's ears (and that's something you just don't fuck with when it comes to Older Brother. No one jokes about his ears) and BH also referred to him as a "tool" (for reasons I am unclear about).
That's when things went super sour (I mean, when I saw it happen, even I winced in anticipation)
So now, OB (older brother) goes to his own Myspace and posts this picture of BH:

With the caption reading: Kids, don't drink, or else you'll end up looking like this guy!

OB proceeded to make it his main picture (I just LOVE how Myspace ruins relationships with such stupid shit).
This in turn, made BH turn HELLA HEARTLESS and since he's a graphic designer (or something to the affect of), he Photo Shopped this picture of my brother: To this much more disgusting version: I woke up today, checked my Myspace (because that's how I do), and was greeted by that last picture.
AHH! What's that?! WTF happened to my brother?!
I saw what the whole deal was... and I couldn't bear looking at the picture because I'd get goose bumps (I still do... it grosses me out).
People were commenting things like:
"Oh shit! OB's a meth addict!"
and
"HAHA cabron ef, your a master of the photshop" (this guy's a total idiot... I can't even be offended with the shit this asshole says)

Ouch... Older brother got clowned on!

OB was livid for a while... not to mention the rest of our household (I wasn't LIVID, livid, just a little surprised... wanting to laugh but feeling it was wrong)

All I can really do is shake my head... boys cross the line pretty damn bad.
And imagine, all this because one poor (24-year-old) boy's insecurity was poked and now he went off and humiliated the (23-year-old) offender (better put, a guy with a beer gut couldn't stand the fact that "best friend" goes around not only telling him, but also telling mutual friends that chubby needs to hit the gym... and chubby then proceeds to turn all Stephen-King-Carrie-White on "best friend" and humiliates him in front of all the hot girls of Myspace. Damn... Hardcore! Riiight).

Who would have known boys have the same sensibilities as girls?!
(BH went so far as to tell me to "tell your brother to quit that shit or else..." man... gimme a P, gimme a U, gimme an S-S-Y!)

However, this all took place between late last night and today in the afternoon... they have since fixed their differences like the adults they are (but that gross PhotoShop picture will live in infamy at this house) proving that while boys are sensitive like little chicks, they know how to resolve a conflict a lot better than grown as women.

That's why I have more male friends than female friends (and proves why I'm still friends with the asshole guy that called me Betty la fea that one time).

I pity the fool!

Some people are gifted when it comes to pissing me off.

I try my best to be a peaceful person, hence why I never really say anything to anyone. Don't give me shit, I won't give it to you. Like a rattle snake, I try my best to give off "don't fuck with me" signals.
They've worked, sometimes too well, and people generally don't mess with me.

But this guy... he takes the cake. Yesterday the ass even made it on my original post. I guess maybe it's because he's a Keyboard Warrior, and that's why he's really pushing my buttons. He'd never have the balls to speak his shit to my face.

I thought I was over it. I wrote back to his stupid e-mail, and I thought I made it pretty clear I wanted nothing to do with him ever again (how in the hell did I ever love this guy? How could I let him ruin me the way he did?). I guess the fact that my response to his very childish e-mail wasn't vulgar in any way (I abstained from using any sort of cussing, and that takes an assload of effort from my behalf), he must have thought I was not very serious.
AnoMALIE isn't cussing? Well, shit, she's playin' around.
He wrote back.

The two sentences I wrote back to his onslaught of "you consided hoe! And you wonder why ur still stingle + alone you fuckn bitch..." blah blah blah:
En tu vida, ni la mirada vuelvas a cruzar en mi camino.
You are dead to me.
Well, they must not have been clear enough. They seemed to have only inspired his bright, beautiful mind.

He was not apologetic in any way. He too wrote back using only a couple of words:
UR still a bitch.

Bravo... pendejo. Yey! A big boy like you can come up with that strong of a comeback all by your self? Well, shit, I'm really looking forward to turning the very mature age of 23... and maybe, once I have my first kid, I'll be even THAT much more enlightened! But then again, you had yours at 17, I'd be at least 23 by the time I have mine if I get to it ASAP. I guess I'll never reach your level of enlightenment ::pout::
It's sad when your little 5 year-old is smarter, wittier, and much more well-mannered than you are. You sure can learn a thing or two from him... it'll be like the I Am Sam movie... minus the Beatles soundtrack, because you'd bitch to get a Backstreet Boys soundtrack instead.
Idiota.

Now... I could have retorted to his dumb ass comment with something like that. Or I could have stayed classy and stuck to my word about him being dead to me.

Of course, I'm immature, and I wrote back:
Los muertos no hablan.
(The dead don't speak)
And I thought about reporting him to Tom. Haha.

The idiot should know better than to anger the girl who mastered the art of the Bitch-Face at such an early age:

AnoMALIE: Rockin' the Bitch-Face since 1985. You better know shit is only going down after I flash that face.

(The fucker ruined my funny day! The day I learned what a "Pearl Necklace" and... what is it? Snow Job? were from my Best Friend! I was laughing for a good couple of hours before I came home and read his e-mail!
Thank you, immature Altar Boy... once again, you ruin some of my more memorable days)

Myspace, a place for Jerks

I hate Myspace.

It only serves to remind me how terrible I am at picking friends:

Bulletin number one:

Subject: Spring Break Mode

I am officially on Spring Break mode.... In just three days I will be flying to Miami....but until then, I have to get my party on in Vegas

*Douche Bag*

Bulletin number two (12 hours later):
Subject: New Credit Card

I just got a American Express Card and wouldnt you know... It got here right before my trip to Miami... That might spell trouble(over spending)... but oh well... Its Spring Break.Oh... It has no limit

*Douche Bag*

*Name has been changed to protect the vain.

Fucker won't shut the hell up about his damn credit card as if it's the AE black card. Give me a break, jackass.

I'm not usually this bitchy (umm... well...), I'm just moody 'cause it's the first day of my Spring Break and all I've done is eaten Cap'n Crunch cereal because it's lent and I can't eat meat... and the rest of the household loves fish... and I'd rather catch tetanus than eat sea-food... and I have to wash the dishes... and for the next week I have to look over this shit:

And let's not forget, this shit:

Mmmm... yeah... that hits the spot.

My heart... it skips a beat for you, Biology (damn you, Pepsi commercial!).