NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!

My left eye has been an unbalanced wreck for about a month now...
My paternal side of the family has been the worst bunch of cunts in my acquaintance for the last month...
My left foot has been healing only to be re-injured for... I don't even know how fucking long...
I've been getting backhanded compliments left and right for the last few weeks ("AnoMALIE looks very good!" Dad: You should have seen her a couple of months ago... face sunken in, bony arms... terrible, just terrible. Now she looks normal.)...

BUT I REGAINED INTERNET! FINALLY.

Something else that has had me smiling lately? My mom's oldest sister is in town, and we've been visiting her every day. She has been retelling some of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
First off, I was reminded why I have such an aversion for people slamming car doors.
"Deja puerta pa' mañana!" The infamous phrase my grandpa would say each time we'd slam his truck door. "Leave some door for tomorrow"... the saying was a huge part of my childhood, I would hear it at least twice a day. Before today, I hadn't heard it in a good ten years. I couldn't help but smile... crazy to see how much I inherited from that man... how much I miss him.
The second story I heard was how he once said he'd eat a shit taco "me como un taco de mierda!" if my grandma would be granted a green card... and when she did get the green card, my aunt took it to him and said "What's up?" and he just laughed and said he was joking. My aunt seriously wanted to see him eat a shit taco. Shit taco... I laughed at the thought... then gaged like a motherfucker. The mental image kills me... ugh.

There were many stories shared, but those two are the most memorable to me, currently.
I'm glad the other side of my family is capable of making me laugh until my stomach hurts... I'd hate to think what kind of human I'd be if BOTH sides were as shitty as my dad's.

Get me off this thing!

So, I've been freakishly aggressive this past week.
The week has been extraordinarily shitty. I've argued and fought and... I've done all sorts of mean shit.
As shitty as my reactions have been, they're actually me trying to tone it down.
I have that caged-lion feel right now-- pacing back and forth, licking my fangs, and having stare-downs with strangers.
Bitch, if I wanted to fuck you up, I would... now get out of my fucking face.

I've been listening to chill music (I made the mistake of listening to club-ish music and that shit only aggravated my aggression. I had to do a circuit of jump-squats to get the angry energy out of my system) and painting to try and calm down... or at least forget about how pissed I am... and it works, for a while.
Then I get on the internet...

At least I've gotten three paintings out of this bullshit.
Next thing you know, I'll have a fucking art gallery in my room.
(You'd think the paintings I've done would convey anger, but I find them to be quite the contrary. They're pretty mellow... fluid... flow-y... not very colorful, just calm, soothing colors. My brain's a fucking trip) 

unsee, unsee, UNSEE!!

I am notorious for my amazing ability of making TERRIBLE decisions.
I never fail to make idiotic decisions, which leave everyone--myself included-- confused... wondering what the FUCK made me think that shit was such a great idea.
Walk in front of that cow and pet the calf?! Does this idiot WANT to get killed?

Today was my latest showcase of less than spectacular judgement.
I was having a lovely morning, I had a tasty breakfast, I did my "This tastes like glory!" jig in my seat at the kitchen table, and I prepared to go to the gym.
I had everything completed, with a few minutes to spare, so I did what any other person with free-time does: I got on-line.
I did the usual e-mailing thing, and went off to the wonderful world of Facebook.
Ah, Facebook! My best frenemy!

As I browsed through the morning's events, I noticed one of my hilarious cousins had commented a video... a suspect video, where I couldn't make out what the hell was going on.
I saw every comment was along the lines of "WTF did I just watch?!" and "Why the fuck did you post this?!"
And what do I do? I watch the motherfucking video, of course!

What did I see? Two shirtless dudes, sitting down, slightly beaten, and with their hands tied behind their backs.
One was a fat bald dude in his mid-to-late twenties, who looked hell of pissed off. The second man was a thin, hick-ish man... in his mid-forties, and he was chatty. He was speaking Spanish, and saying that "Ya me llevo la verga" which pretty much means "I'm fucked." He was relaying a message, telling "others like" him that they better leave or end up like him-- fucked. Then he nods at the camera and leans against the wall. The fat dude just looks at him, clearly disgusted
Cue the chainsaw.
Yes, chainsaw.
I want to puke just thinking about it...
Anyway, so the masked assassin approaches the skinny man and BAM! Chainsaw to the neck.
It was a light touch, but... obviously cut the guy's aorta. The look on his face will haunt me for LIFE.
Then the assassin goes on for another nick at the neck. No luck with finishing the job, so he just goes at it, full-force, like carving a turkey.
The whole time the fat dude is turning his face the other way, but eventually looks over at the scene once he realizes the chainsaw has cut his left arm, since it was where the skinny man was leaning on him.
I had to stop the video when I saw a second guy going right for the fat dude's neck. I couldn't watch that one. I was too traumatized. I had enough.

WHY do I keep doing this? Because I'm a fucking idiot!

Now excuse me, I have to go watch video of puppies and kittens and pandas for the next three hours to recover positive mental images...

Blueberries

I know I'm going to come off as an emo asshole right now, but I'm only going to say it because it's extremely true in my case:

I feel most alone when I'm in a group of people.

Walking around large cities makes me frown.

All these people... ALL THESE PEOPLE in the world... at this moment... y yo sola como un perro. Toda mi puta vida.

I love it, because I do enjoy sight-seeing... life is beautiful, after all. However, once a few hours pass, I get extremely drained and depressed.

Add to that, all the beggars on the side of the street, and I seriously feel heartbroken by the end of the day.

I can't find this sort of Youtube video quick enough:

Haha....

Hahahahahaha.

Ok. I feel better.

Ballenita

Like how I lied and acted as if I posted an entry last night?
Well, it's a half-truth.
I was working on the entry when my sister walked into the room and yelled at me about "needing it for a bit!"
I did that cheat post where I post it and then save it as a draft, so when I DO post it, it'll show up as if it was written the previous day.
Anyway, I was planning on posting it once D was done with Mr. Mac, but I was so exhausted from the day's activities, that once I heard the Doug theme song (I am LOVING this "90's Are All That" programming on TeenNick. I will scream that at the top of my lungs if anyone doubts), I crashed. I really have no idea who turned off the lights and television.
Back to the post, once I saw it this morning, I realized all of my inspiration was gone, so I went ahead and posted it as-is.

And now... my inspiration is still gone.
No one made me angry.
I didn't swoon over some random cute dude.
Nothing.

My mind's blank.
So uh... yeah... here's a dancing Beluga Whale named Juno who happens to have similar taste in music as I do (and currently, Mom and I have a little joke where she asks "Como baila la ballenita?" [how does the little whale dance?] and I wiggle around... yeah, I'm calling myself a little whale, apparently).
Stole my heart, really... the cute little bastard.


If you happen to dislike whales for some reason or another--you heartless motherfucker-- here's a funny video on something I dislike. Take your pick of the two (I find both equally hilarious. So I watched both... twice. Oh yeah):

Hipsters:


They should have remained at the yuppie stage... Christian Bale made them irrevocably hot to me. Thanks a lot, you awesome... beautiful actor.

Facebook:

"FUCK YOU, MIKE! I WILL NOT JOIN YOUR CULT!"
I might have fallen in love. hahaha

Happy Thursday.

Todos dicen que soy...

Note to self:
Don't EVER listen to this song while intoxicated.
El Triste, sung by Jose Jose


Fuck how old this footage is... this man's interpretation is MAGICAL and timeless.
Ufff!
And the lyrics, well, what can I say about the lyrics besides "ding-ding-ding!"?


Que triste fue decirnos adios,
Cuando nos adorábamos mas.
Hasta la golondrina emigro
Presagiando el final.


Que triste luce todo sin ti.
Los mares de las playas se van.
Se tiñen los colores de gris.
Hoy todo es soledad.


No sé si vuelva a verte después...
No sé que de mi vida será...
Sin el lucero azul de tu ser,
Que no me alumbra ya.
(WAAAAAAAA!!!)


Hoy quiero saborear mi dolor.
No pido compasión ni piedad.
La historia de este amor se escribió
Para la eternidad.


Que triste todos dicen que soy.
Que siempre estoy hablando de ti.


No saben que pensando en tu amor,
En tu amor:
He podido ayudarme a vivir.
He podido ayudarme a vivir.


I relate... oh, how I relate.
I'm one of those giving you a standing ovation, Jose Jose! The video gave me goosebumps TWICE.

Now avoid this joint when you're... even tipsy, you'll make a scene... not that I made one. No, no. I'm good, remember?

The Internets

I've been spending the last couple of weeks trying to teach Mom and Dad how to use the internet.
Rafa suggested I get them started on Google Chrome, so I did.

The first few weeks were exasperating beyond belief. Not because of Mom, no, the little lady uses her noggin and remembers things we say. But Dad... holy moly... that man... he thinks we're in Jetson time.

Dad: Ivan (real estate agent) needs a bank statement. Send it to him.
Me: What?
Dad: SEND HIM THE STATEMENT!
Me: ... how... wha... D!

Dad: I want to see the earthquakes.
Me: What?
Dad: THE EARTHQUAKES!!
Me: Well... uh... ok. I'll try.
(I find the site and then I have to sit there and be accused of not believing in Jesus because I tell him he's wrong in assuming Jesus is coming because of all the marks on the map denoting the 600+ recorded tremors the site has marked. Dad... this area with all the "earthquakes" is the "Ring of Fire." The place is known for high activity... it has a ton of volcanos too... so uh... Jesus is NOT coming, plates are just shifting. Of course, this all went over his head and he nearly forced me to get exorcised for "not believing in Jesus")

Dad: I want to read El Heraldo de Durango (supposed Mexican newspaper).
Me: Umm... what's the website?
(I do this to try and test him. Seriously. The man just invents things and if he really does think it exists, I want to put it in his head that he should probably google things when he gets these urges)
Dad: EL HERALDO DE DURANGO!
I make him type it in the browser. It doesn't exist. I then, very irritated, google the stupid name.
Me: There. It's not "El Heraldo," it's "El Siglo." Mexico City uses "El Heraldo." Quit inventing things and then getting mean because I can't find them.
Dad: I knew I had heard the name somewhere. I just wanted a damn Durango newspaper.
::I point an imaginary gun to my temple and pull the trigger::

Things have sort of eased up since then. Dad can now check his e-mail, send e-mail, and check out a few sites. That's it. If he clicks on a wrong spot, that's when I usually hear him calling out for help.

Mom's a star, though. The lady is the one usually bailing out Dad whenever he clicks the wrong spot (we kids very stupidly gave Dad a mouse-less laptop which is driving him bonkers 'cause he can't get the hang of tapping his finger. He actually had an easier time with my MacBook than he does with his PC. It's baffling). She also understands how to open new tabs as opposed to opening new windows. Dad just clicks like a bewildered animal, but Mom has her act together, that little trooper.
Mom also turns on and turns off the computer.
Last night she spend SEVEN HOURS checking out Hometown's website before I FORCED her to get off-line.

This leads me to a conversation we had yesterday.
My sister was complaining about having to go to Volkswagen to have her Jetta's headlight fixed.
D: I HATE being one of those nacas driving around with a burnt-out headlight! But I don't want to dish out the 90 bucks!
Me: Umm... yeah... that sucks. I don't know how those fools sleep at night knowing they're charging a poor girl nearly a hundred dollars to change a damn light bulb.
Mom: I've been thinking... is there... couldn't you just... google how to do it? I mean... everything's on Google!

I've never been prouder.
My mom's a genius!

P.S. D googled it, found exact how-to direction, and saved herself some money. An overall feel-good day.

DENY!

Dudes I really do like ignore me as if it were their job, but middle eastern dudes... those guys, they don't hesitate to send me messages out of the blue.
My favorite so far is the one I received this afternoon:
i am shy to ask u ,r u engaged ! 
if not i hope we can be friend and know each other 
i hope to hear from u 
and hope u not get me wrong e 
so so so sorry
That had me laughing for a good minute (I particularly love the exclamation point at the end of "r u engaged !" I close my eyes and I can just see this cat act that out. Too funny). The message was sent to me on a languages-related place where I'm learning Portuguese and Catalan, and refreshing my French. How the hell my answer to that question is even relevant to the shit I'm on the site to do is beyond me, but whatever, being that I'm nice, I wrote back:
hahaha. No, I am not engaged. Don't worry about it, I wasn't offended by the question
Then he wrote back.
maybe my question creazy ..lol 
coz if i see my gf or my wife talk with any other men i get so creazy 
even i not have no gf or wife 
some time people get me wrong ,, 
i just ask and take permition from u 
so can u tell me about u and ask me if u want 
Wow.

Of course I only get the fucking crazy guys hitting on me... of course.
Craziest thing of all is Alo married one of those crazy guys.

Now, still staying in synch with the subject of dudes and the internet: Facebook.
I'm encountering a problem which seems to be escalating in severity. Well... I shouldn't put it like that. The problem is more of a nuisance, since my life isn't at jeopardy or anything like that, so I should ease up on the theatrics.
The problem is the fact that everyone and their damn grandmother is getting a FB account... these people are Hometown people.
It's really frustrating, especially since I've turned down three requests from Hometown dudes this week (starting Sunday). That is WAY too much for a town of like... 200.
It bugs me. A lot. I leave my Mexico shit in Mexico. I don't want them to have the ability to rummage through my photos, see what I talk about, or see my friends.
Damn, AnoMALIE, aren't you a bitch.
It's not even like that, Captain. Well, it kind of is... but I have to be.
Small town folk talk MAAAAAAD shit. They'll talk shit about me even when I don't give them reason... I can only imagine what will occur if I let them in on a tiny piece of my world.
I just think of them seeing my occasional scathing rants I leave as updates, and I get a little panicked.

Then they place me in the predicament of accepting them or denying their ass. Either choice is WRONG. I accept them, and they'll forever have shit on me. I deny them, and they'll forever talk shit about what a stuck up cunt I am.
Then I rationalize: Ok, so... if in real life I...
hug you... ACCEPT.
kiss you... DUH!
would have/have had a drink with you... ACCEPT.
play video games with you... ACCEPT.
joke with you... ACCEPT.
was invited to your wedding... I'll mull it over another week.
shake your hand then walk to the opposite side of the room... DENY.
shake your hand then walk back to my room... that's a big FUCK YOU, while I press DENY.
walk past you, while uttering a "hi." Yeah, that's a DENY.
walk past you and act like you don't exists... why the FUCK did you want to add me, retard? That deserves a "WTF?" message before the DENY, then pressing the "don't know this guy" link where FB no longer allows him to contact me.

So... with these Hometown boys...
I take a deep breath, wave at the computer screen, and press "IGNORE"... with my eyes closed.
Then I laugh and flick off the computer screen.

Feis Buk

I was a hard sell on Facebook.
A Canadian friend of mine bugged me to join back in... '06? I don't remember quite well, I just remember I joined as a means to appease the girl. I did not add a photo, or friends, but would only drop by when someone would add me and I would have to confirm the friendship.
I slowly merged into Facebook once I noticed my siblings would use it more often than Myspace. The last nail in the coffin for Myspace came in '08 when both my siblings moved to Europe and the only way to stay in touch was through FB... that, and MGH was super active on FB, and oh! the things we did on FB.
I welcomed the change then, since Myspace had been bringing nothing but drama. Too many family members, not enough privacy. At the time, FB was great because you needed a college e-mail address to join. Not too many family members went to college... it was my fucking heaven!

Now, in 2010... it has changed. Aunts, Uncles, middle schoolers... pickles... they all have a goddamn FB. I can't post a photo without someone having an issue with it... or at least talking about it the next time I see them. If my status update is deemed too vulgar, I'll hear about that as well.
And when guys write on my wall, my God!
"So I've seen *so and so* writes to you often... he's funny... what's going on there?"
Umm... I have intelligent, hilarious friends that have quick wits... and I like keeping it that way?

Initially, I promised myself I'd only add family members I spoke to frequently... and were drama free...  and wouldn't gossip about potentially compromising photos I'd be tagged in, but that soon changed once I refused to add one extremely communicative cousin, and she quickly confronted me about it.
You know, now that I think about it, my story is quite similar to the South Park episode.
"Why don't you poke grandma?" Because I don't want to! Who the fuck pokes people?!

After all this, I now even have people from Hometown on there.
Pain in the fucking ass. A place I once used to chit chat with school friends, has now become a place of entertainment for the gossip-loving family I was so unlucky to be born into.

Over the weekend, I finally had a melt-down/confrontation.
I'd go off and talk about it in detail, but who wants to hear it? Point is, I was being sarcastic and people took me too seriously (story of my life). I was then sent a scathing message... and I was "deleted" from certain people's page.
I DON'T like conflict, but I also tell people when I think they're being irrational fucks. I try my damn hardest NOT to be the irrational fuck in an argument.
Since these idiots are part of my family, I found myself APOLOGIZING for any hurt feelings I may have caused... and promising never to do it again.
They "accepted" my apology and I was re-added.
??
Nothing else. Not a "Oh, I'm sorry for making such a big issue, for not understanding, and for butting into something that was none of my business."

And people wonder why the fuck I don't talk in person.
Shit.

AIM, what?

Recently, I've started to neglect a shitload of things.

But don't blame me...

Blame Windows Live Messenger!!

(that shit is so fun! I never knew I liked talking so much. Plus... it connects me with MGH AND my godson... and we have FREE--imagine that-- conversations. I get to help Godson study biochem, histology, and embryology... while he gets to listen to me complain [and even cheer me up] about my friendship-challenged life ... it all works out)

God, I love the internet sometimes!