Saturday, April 25, 2015

Clearing visible

Not that I want to jinx anything, but I honestly feel it this time, and doubt I can jinx it...
I think I'm out of the woods.
I feel pretty solid about that statement.

It's not that I no longer think about suicide... but more like... I don't feel it's a threat... I don't "fear" it will happen, if that makes sense.
I'll once in a while wonder what life would be like without me... or I'll catch myself enjoying something, and think something like "See, imagine if you would have actually followed through with your thoughts back in January and not have been able to relish this moment!" The thought actually makes me enjoy little pretty moments that much more... I'm much more appreciative.

It really does feel like someone has woken me up. I have no idea who it was... or how it happened... I just know it was a semi-slow process... like watching a sunrise... watching the rays of sun slowly take over the darkness and reveal the beauty that had always been there-- just like that.

I still feel rage. I still get sad. I still cry.
But it's not... it doesn't have the same... weight. It doesn't burden me as much as it did a few months ago-- it also doesn't linger as long.
Just like I mentally beat the fucking shit out of myself to the point of extreme depression, I also forced myself back up. I reached the point where something inside me, that same little part of me which kept me going as a kid when all those bad things would happen to me, that relentless optimism that hides in a corner of my being which has yet to be destroyed... just slapped me across the face and told me to chill the fuck out. Like Bambi's dad commands his son to "GET UP!" in the movie after Bambi gets shot... some part of me commanded me to do the same.
"Goddamn it! You're going to enjoy this!"
"SMILE, you fucking imbecile!"
"NO! No! You fucking stop that motherfucking negative memory RIGHT NOW!"
"GET. UP."

And after much inner-turmoil, daily struggles with myself to NOT be sad... I eventually began to genuinely not feel sad. I began to enjoy things.

I'm not going to sit here and act like I'm fucking elated, because I'm not. I'm not a ball of energy, either.
But I feel strong. I'm not drained. I feel grounded AS FUCK. I'm present.

I'm taking things a day at a time, and allowing myself to enjoy things.
I still don't look forward to the future-- I don't dread it either-- but I sense this is a more optimistic thing for me. When I think too much about the future, that's when my issues begin, it's when I begin dipping my feet into those buckets of fresh cement, waiting for them to dry so I can throw myself into a deep body of water.
I actually give thanks at the end of each day, even the shitty ones. "Thank you for allowing me to smile today! That was nice." "Thank you for the learning experience today... I'll try not to do that again. Let it go, AnoMALIE."

There's nothing worse than feeling like an invisible "entity" just floating on by... I didn't even feel like a person the majority of the time... just an invisible, meaningless ghost.
I've never felt as horrible as the dark shit I'm just now leaving behind. Never. And I hope never to revisit that shit again... EVER.

Maybe I'll talk about the bad days further down the road.
But right now? I'm good. I'm sturdy. I'm ok. I'll be ok.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Tres Dias

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in a very long time. I laughed more over the course of three days than I have in the last three months.
Most instances required me to break away from the nagging negative thoughts, and forced me to get out-- actually PARTICIPATE, not just do my typical zombie shit. Each day was a battle with myself... I even cried one of the times before leaving my house... but by the end of the day, I was always happy I refused to listen to the depressive shit, and fought my way through the paralyzing fears.

Now the trick is to hold on to the feeling... or to at least not lose my grip and slip back into the land of misery.
I haven't mastered that shit yet.