Monday, December 31, 2012

The good, the bad, the departed.

I had to wait until the last day of the year to finally do the inevitable:
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of 2012.
First, THE GOOD:
This year, I made a freakish amount of new friends. Really cool friends. I used to be proud of myself when I made two new friends in a year... then this year gets all fucking crazy on me and is like "Here, dude, here's 50 new people. Enjoy."
I can't pinpoint which person is my favorite, not even a top ten... since they're all pretty cool. Shit, I even have a new family, the Costa Rican family-- they're awesome.

The traveling was good too. I didn't do as much as I did in previous years, but the places visited this year were fun. I will ALWAYS be a happy camper when given the opportunity to travel. Now, with this new car, road trips will be much easier and convenient, since I don't pay for diesel.

A yes, the new car. That's definitely a very good thing of 2012.

Tyson dying.

The Ugly:
The fighting. I fought A LOT this year. With everyone. What a shithead, I was. My bad.
Then there was that was the whole departure thing. The ending of things.
I can't say whether they were good or bad... since there tends to be a little bit of both when it comes to cycles ending. Of people and things leaving.
Initially it tends to hurt... like getting a facial peel. Your face burns and reddens... but after a while, new cells emerge and you're a-ok, often looking better than before that nasty chemical peel to your face.

At the start of the year, I was told this year was "the year of cycles ending." That whole numerology bullshit goes from 1-9, I think? And this year was my 9. Evidently the changes were going to hurt, but then I have that excitement of new things beginning.
I've always been shitty at starting new shit. But I guess I should kinda try to change that tendency.

As trite as this might be this time of year:
Cheers, to a new beginning.
I'll quit being a stubborn jackass.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Out the count

Now part 237,576,987 of: Let's Cheer Up AnoMALIE!

I like watching my friends and family's attempt at cheering me up... sometimes even strangers in the street throw me a bone.
They all have such different tactics, and even as the fucked up mess that I'll be, I'll smile at the observation.

There are some fantastic people at uplifting spirits and giving support, like my closest friends and family... then there are those that make my tears stop because I sit back and analyze what has just left their mouth... and leave me wondering what THE FUCK they were thinking.

"Just remember, you never get less than you deserve."
... Wait... so... wait, wait... let me see if I got this straight... what I'm currently experiencing... this incredibly HEAVY, destructive heartbreak, is well deserved, and probably the LEAST I could have gotten... like... I'm lucky I didn't straight-up get murdered instead of just heartbroken... ? What... ?

I have to giggle... because I think of these folks working a suicide hotline.
Just give the bitch a gun and a bullet and call it a day, homie. You're great.

Honestly, I'm better.
I took my day (and a half) to cry it all out. Like never before. Exhausting... and painful, obviously, but now is the readjusting period.
My pupils have narrowed, and a new ambition has entered my field of view. I'm up... and my heart is pumping strong... spite is running through my veins, and that has ALWAYS propelled me towards my biggest accomplishments-- as sad as the majority of the universe may see it.
It's the only way I've learned I can do things. It's the only thing that has EVER lifted me from the pit I am continuously, violently, and mercilessly thrown into.
I'm a good girl. I'm a nice girl. I'm a sweet girl. I'm an innocent girl.
But I have to hide all that, because everyone lunges at that vulnerability and shoots to kill. Every single time. The world eats up innocence. The world tramples kindness.
That girl will go back into seclusion.

It's back to acting. Smile on my face, though on the inside, all I want to do is disappear.

But at least I once again have drive, right? I may have lost my soul, but I definitely have some goals.


“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope... I have loved none but you.” -- Jane Austen, Persuasion

Never accuse someone of being delusional before a little retrospect.
I should have learned that lesson sooner.

Last night was the worst night I've had... up to date.
I have never been so... obliterated.
I woke up with both eyes swollen shut, which is typical, but this time I also woke up with the back of my head completely drenched from all the tears I had shed.
I couldn't even enjoy the fact that my car finally came in.
I had to go to the dealership to return all the sets of Bambi's keys, as well as get my new car's shit set up. As much as I begged not to go, I was forced to walk out in public with my right eye still COMPLETELY swollen shut, and my voice shaky at best.

My soul has been broken in so many different ways... and this time was no exception... it was a NEW type of hurt. A new type of disillusionment. A new part of my being that was massacred.
I can somewhat equate it to watching someone standing under a spotlight... then the light suddenly going out. There's that initial shock... that startled reaction... and then it's gone. As if nothing existed. You're left in silent, total darkness.

Tears have been pouring out of my eyes uncontrollably at random times of the day. Heavy, incredibly warm tears... just pound the surface they land on... I often hear them.

A very vital part of my soul died. The dreaming part. The hopeful part. The... important part.

And again I'm left wondering: What did I... why did I deserve this?

I'm just sitting here... almost in a yoga's Child's Pose... often times my face to the floor... crying and screaming into the carpet. And when I finally get tired... I lay completely motionless on the floor, flat on my stomach, hands over my head, tears dripping off the bridge of my nose.

There's a brand new, fully-loaded $61,000 car sitting in my garage... but it doesn't mean shit. It doesn't fix shit. It isn't worth shit.
It doesn't make me get off the floor. It doesn't make my body stop shaking. It can't even make these stupid hot tears stop flowing... shit, it can't even make the tears go down in temperature.
It doesn't make my breathing any easier. It doesn't make my dreams... resuscitate.
It doesn't erase the words. It doesn't erase the actions.

I. Am. Nothing.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Nah man!

Dudes in question are my COUSINS, hence my reaction.

My friends crack me the fuck up... but you already knew that.
This conversation came about because I was furious yesterday after this fucking idiot tried hollering at me. It's the guy I forgave a couple of months back, the one who I considered my ONE TRUE enemy... the ONE person I hated with all of my heart.
SOMEHOW, this act of kindness was misunderstood... and he somehow translated my peace offering as me being OK with him flirting.
NAH BITCH! Hold your motherfucking horses! I would not touch your dick if I were held at gunpoint. FUCK. OFF.
And so... one of my biggest pet-peeves once again rears its ugly head.
There is only one person I'd ever want to flirt with, and I do that fucking ABYSMALLY.

I hate how dudes, FRIENDS, often misunderstand my kindness for... wanting some dick? I mean... dude, when have I EVER given that vibe? Seriously.
Luckily, my closest guy-friends don't suffer from this problem... at least the vast majority of them, as far as I know. It's always those guys I shrug at and accept when they ask me to be friends.
Homie, you said "friend." Had you given the slightest indication that you wanted something else I would have thrown you as far as I fucking could with the help of my car.

Ahhhh... I just love delusional people.

Q...uit fuckin' around!

Know what else I need to practice? Some motherfuckin' PATIENCE.
My goodness! I'm freakin' dying for this damn car to finally get here!

Update on this beautiful creation:
So, originally we chose the "orca black" color. We were told the damn thing would arrive on the 24th.
Yesterday they called to inform us our car had been sold to someone else, who had purchased it minutes prior to my folks, AT the location it was being kept (somewhere in California).
So we had to choose a different car... well, it's still a Q7 TDI, but it's now gray. I guess it also has more options, which I wouldn't be able to list because I have NO CLUE what those are.

Supposedly the car comes in Friday afternoon, Saturday at its latest.
I feel like driving out to Audi and throwing a brick through their fucking showroom window.

Get your shit together, Audi!
Man, I fucking hate car-salesmen. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012


So, Christmas came and went, and now it's time to focus on the closing of this year and the start of the new.
It's time for some motherfuckin' resolutions.

I had been thinking about this resolution for a long time, especially since a few days ago I had a very in-depth conversation about it with my mother.
This forgiveness issue of mine.
I'm SO fucking stubborn when it comes to forgiveness.
I say I forgive, but never forget. When someone goes out of their way to apologize to me for any wrong they may have caused, I "accept" the apology, but things are never the same. I stop trusting the person, and the issue for which they apologized will forever remain in my head... I'll have my guard up around them, and I'll distance myself from them.
I have too difficult a stance on this topic... and I feel like a complete fucking asshole when I have to apologize... because I understand the offended party is in all his/her right to not accept my apology, and it also reminds me that: Hey! Pendeja! You fucked up!

So... the concept of apologizing and forgiveness has been pretty fucked in my head.

This recent fight with my brother made me realize that I'm a fucking dick... and I should really try to be kind... and apologize when I fuck up, but especially FORGIVE when someone offends me.

I fixed things with my brother today... which technically is yesterday. He left at 10PM, so before that, I made sure to be kind to him, and let him know that I love him, and that if I ever offended him I was terribly sorry, and if he ever offended me I've totally forgotten it. And all went back to normal... we even hugged when I dropped him off at the airport.

This will be what I work on most. I will be quick to ask for forgiveness, and more importantly, whole-heartedly forgive ANYONE who offends me or HAS offended me in the past.

I will be kind and forgiving... and not see it as a weakness.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


If I tell you guys something, promise not to tell my sister?

I... kinda got a car for Christmas.

We're telling everyone it's my mom's... but uh... my name's on the title and the new car has my plates.

She's going to fucking murder me when she finds out.

And oh, yeah, my brother is no longer speaking to me. Looks like my calm demeanor really struck a chord in him... I offended him to a degree I've never experienced.

So, how 'bout them holidays?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Only do it once

The thing about offending me is this:
You only do it once.

My brother has been in town since Friday night.
He had been very nice to me up until an hour ago.
He would crack jokes, offer me food, text me funny random shit, and he even paid for my movie ticket earlier today.
Then we argued again as we exited the movie theater.

The argument once again revolved around the subject of not wanting to share MY shit.
This sent Brother into a tailspin. And he began with his angry rant.
Brother: You're so... I'm just going to stop myself right here before I say something that...
Me: Might hurt my feelings? Oh, don't worry about that, you already crossed that threshold a few weeks ago. There's nothing you can really say that will hurt my feelings... maybe only if you wish death upon me... and even then, I kinda wouldn't care, 'cause death has been sounding pretty fucking appealing to me for over a year now.

Like I said, people only disillusion me once. After I learn of how badly they can hurt me, anything they do ceases to surprise me.
You only make me cry unconsolably once. After that, that one piece of my heart I dedicated for you dies. It becomes numb, useless... like when you suffer a heart attack, that part of your heart dies... it no longer works. So... shoot away, homie, I no longer care, I no longer feel, I'm no longer shocked.
Just keep opening your mouth and proving my judgement correct: YOU never cared.
As is customary, I admired the wrong person. The idea of never placing anyone on an altar is further reinforced.

My brother continued his ranting as we walked in the house, and I think he only became more outraged when he saw how calm and nonchalant I was about everything. I didn't scream, I didn't slam doors, I didn't sniffle, my eyes didn't water.
I held the door open that he originally swung nearly-shut on my face, walked in while playing a game on my cell phone, and poured myself a cup of cereal with some spinach on the side (it's good. Don't judge me).
He explained the situation-- quite agitatedly-- to my mom, and told her he couldn't eat with my "stupid face" in front of him.
I shrugged, continued eating my cereal, and once done, came straight to my room and decided to write.

I'm not crying. I'm not surprised... I'm just...

Oh, Universe, you're funny.

Happy Christmas Eve, people.
I'm going to eat tamales and be the quiet, weird one I always am at tonight's posada. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

Yup, didn't happen.

Another Armageddon comes and goes. (Seriously, you thought I wouldn't mention this shit considering how horrible this lame ass subject made my childhood? Come on now, you should know me better than that by now)

The first time I heard of this day being "the end" was back in my sophomore year of high school.
I remember the class was World History, and for some reason, my weirdo teacher decided to talk about it. I think the manner in which the subject was reached was that we were talking about the Mayan civilization, and so she went on and on about December 21, 2012.
She laughed.
I sat there sick to my stomach.
Another psycho idiot trying to end my world. Great.
As usual, I counted my age for the day. For a 15 year old, 27 seemed fucking geriatric.
I proceeded to take mental note of all the shit I wish I would accomplish by that ill-fated date.
I'll be fresh out of medical school... I'll live on my own... if I'm lucky I'll have  boyfriend by then, but obviously not married, since I would have spent all my time studying and all that shit... sucks balls we won't get to spend another Christmas together.
Ah, to be young and hopeful. MISERABLY failed that mental note.
I probably held on to my virginity because I subconsciously prepared to be volunteered for the Virgin Sacrifice to save the world... since that's what clearly kept the world going back in the days of the Mayas.
Never had a good reason for my reluctance to bang... that's as good as my excuse will get.

Winter Solstice also reminds me of my high school calculus teacher. He very adorably made us calculate how/why this day is the longest/darkest night of the year. That man was so good at educating people about the fantastic ways of math. Bless his heart.

Darkest night.
Tu regreso había esperado, mas te veía muy feliz. En los brazos de tu amada te olvidaste tú de mí. Mas ahora que recuerdas, á mis brazos vuelves ya. Seré por siempre tu amante... 
Tu novia, La Soledad.
P.S. Y si alguna vez regresas con aquella que te amó, sabes no será lo mismo... pues también me conoció.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

10 years later

D went back to Chicago today.

These last few days have been nothing short of amazing.
I've laughed a lot, I've spent much time with many family members... who have all been sweet to me.

I'm in the highest spirits because I spent last night hanging out and laughing with my high school friends. We had a mini ten-year reunion.
While my bestie was missing because she had to work, only two other girls from my close-knit circle of friends from high school were missing.
We hit Triple 7, where we sat at the bar and proceeded to catch up over some beers... like the fucking adults we've suddenly become.
I had not seen any of these girls in well over 7 years, since I did see them at some point in college.
While I was probably the least successful, and clearly the saddest, it was still ok. They were all very sweet, and within ten minutes we were back to laughing uncontrollably at our witty remarks... just like we would when we'd be at our high school cafeteria table.
It was exactly that: the reunion of our high school cafeteria table, our roles unchanged.
The coolest part was that at NO TIME did we badmouth anyone, or gossip. We were supportive of each other, and talked about... life. It was so weird, especially since I've rarely been in the presence of a girl herd where gossip was not the focal point.

All I could think of was that damn movie "Now and Then."
It's hard to believe it's been TEN YEARS since we last did all this... it's stranger that we haven't aged. We look pretty fucking great for 27/28 year olds... I guess that's the secret to smart, dorky girls-- we don't age, we're fuckin' Benjamin Buttons!
I'm also the ex-Fat Girl of the bunch. That chick who spent her teens fat and quiet... you don't see her for years then suddenly BAM! Look at her, she looks normal!
I'm the ex-fat-girl of the movie... creepy. (They always end up being the chicks who never find love regardless of how attractive they may be once thin. I now understand why those chicks never find love-- we're too mentally FUCKED UP)

Numerous times throughout the night, someone in the group would make a comment along the lines of "Are you SURE you're not a writer?" "You're definitely a writer..."
They also told me my affinity for writing definitely made sense-- in hindsight. They told me my comedic timing and wording was unique, something Kelley has been telling me for nearly a decade (!). I may be a quiet, reserved girl, but when I'm comfortable and I have a deep appreciation of you, I will be the funniest, wittiest person in a room; it's my way of thanking you-- making you laugh... it fills my heart.

I may not have many female friends, but the ones I do have are remarkable human beings.
I'm a happy girl.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


I've been enjoying my sister's company for the last couple of days.
The day she was flying in, Thursday, I was chirpy and practically bouncing off the walls. The behavior was subconscious, since I claimed I didn't care she was coming, but my body was clearly begging to differ.

We've had a few baby arguments, but for the most, we've been good... especially since we've gone to different family parties this weekend. We've been the dynamic, angry, tall due we've always been.

She heads back Wednesday afternoon... I feel sad. So sad.

Fuck you, Chicago. FUCK YOU.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12 of 12

Let's do a top 12 things about 2012, yeah?
1. First few hours of the new year. That was dope.

2. The Costa Rica Trip. Fun!

3. iChatting. Slows the shit out of the phone, but it's so fun.

4. Coffee. I have the craziest addiction to it now. It does my body good.

5. Summer. Crazy summer... where I sort of kind of told Darcy what was up... just not in person because I'm still a fucking idiot.

6. Hometown trip. I needed to recharge my batteries like that.

7. Painting. I painted SO MUCH this year. Good stuff.

8. Nail art. It's finally popular! I've been doing that shit since elementary school and it FINALLY caught on. Now I'm no longer given crazy stares.

9. Chicago... kind of. I mean, I don't give a shit about the city, but those couple of days were entertaining. It was pleasant to have a chill-out sessions with my sister.

10. The treadmill! The purchase of it was an odyssey, but I LOVE that thing. I complain about cardio, but obviously it's a necessary evil

11. EATING! My diet has finally gotten to the level where I can be less strict, and easier to maintain than it was last year... I mean, I can even eat cupcakes and pancakes on occasion now!

12. Peace! I made peace with TWO of the only three people I swore I'd never forgive, my only "enemies" so to speak. That is HUGE. I also SINCERELY forgave my grandfather, on the twentieth anniversary of... well, the summer that fucked up my life. That was the only thing I wanted to do.

And there it is, top 12 of 2012.
Cool thing that I could actually come up with the list.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Da? Ja? What?

Week long writing-free vacation!
Totally unintentional, always that thing where I plan on writing, but something comes up.
I guess I'll just talk about the most important thing to happen this past week:
I Skyped with my godson.

It was the strangest interaction, which left me so confused.
I felt excited, and happy, and sad, and mad... and... just too much.

Overall, he's a happy boy. He loves his job. He loves his new home.
All of this makes me smile, and clearly I'm happy to hear it all, but I'm most excited, and at peace, because he also finished his degree.

There is one tiny thing that throws me off, slightly, and it's that he has found a new love for metaphysics.
That creeps me out a bit... especially since he now suddenly and randomly is fluent in Russian and German.
Did you suffer an accident and now you're like those people who randomly acquire the knowledge of a foreign language? What the heck?!

However, by the end of our three-hour conversation, he was back to his normal self. He was not being philosophical, he was not smiling eerily, he was not being arrogant... he was being MY KID.

It felt good to reconnect.
I hope his life keeps going on that upward spiral he has suddenly found. I hope bad influences stay the fuck away.

Monday, December 3, 2012


I've been meaning to write about this for a while now, but for one reason or another, I always forget... maybe because I get so fucking distressed.

So, that whole modeling contest my godson was in back in October, he lost, as I previously posted.
I was going to talk about the events that ensued, but I would tell myself I'd hold off until I personally spoke to Godson and didn't just type hearsay.

For weeks, he promised me we'd talk "this weekend" because he was SO busy every single day. He'd only write me one or two sentences on Facebook... or worse yet, only "like" my comment.
What the fuck is that, you little asshole? I'm YOUR GODMOM! TALK TO ME, GOD DAMNIT!
I was urged to speak to him because he never returned home after the contest-- he STAYED IN CANCUN, where the contest took place.
This upset me because he was supposed to graduate on the 19th of this month... so he was TWO MONTHS AWAY from getting his diploma. TWO. FUCKING. MONTHS. AWAY.

At first, his status updates would be uplifting, and inspirational... though I noticed they were in all-caps.
That's odd... it's like he's screaming... he never types like that... he must be emotional right now.
As the days... hours progressed, his status updates became more insufferable. Bitter. Weird.
At first, he was very religious... every victory he dedicated to his parents, his brother, but above all god.
That was normal for me, because his mom is... fanatical Catholic.
Also, his statuses would always be "liked" or commented on by his dad and his brother.
That's how I knew he was ok.
But now, his brother does not comment or like anything Godson writes. It's as if he vanished from his life. This set off the first red flag.
Now, my Godson has always been a good kid. He's a sweetheart, and a pleaser. He's a pisces like me... hence why we get along like two peas in a pod.
He feels horrible when he upsets or offends others. He's a lamb.
Numerous times in his life, particularly his teens, we saw how easily his girlfriends manipulated him. He'd be brainwashed into worshipping only them, and forgetting his family.
My only wish was for this good, sweet, NOBLE boy to never bump into an exploitive asshole.
I wouldn't be too worried about Godson's well-being because he'd be with his brother. While Godson is a lamb, and believes everyone is a good person, his little brother is the opposite.
LittleBro is cautious as fuck. He is blunt, straightforward, analyzing, free-thinking... strong-willed. He is the Yin to Godson's Yang. LittleBro will tell Godson when he's being a naive dickhead and keeps him in line. LittleBro is a pro at reading people and their intentions, he DOES NOT get bamboozled-- he doesn't play that shit. He calls people out on their shit, fearlessly, regardless of who is present and HOW MANY people are present-- he had to stop going to church because of this (while I quietly protest in my head when the priest says something outragous, LittleBro would SPEAK when he'd disagree... even as a fucking FIVE YEAR OLD. People thought he was possessed, I thought he was the coolest human being I'd ever encountered). I absolutely adore and admire this quality in LittleBro.
LittleBro was Godson's number one fan and SUPPORT. He kept the bad people away, and uplifted Godson's spirits when things went wrong.
Once LittleBro quit approving of Godson's action... my gut-instinct told me something was wrong.

Looks like my noble lamb was wrangled by an exploitive asshole.
He's into all that metaphysical shit. His status updates are now just... self-centered rants about emitting the correct vibes and blah blah blah. He has completely removed all that is God-related.
All he does now is compliment his new "maestro."
He hints at eventually letting us all know what was so drastic that changed his life... what "removed the blindfold" from his eyes... what turned him "from zero to hero" (this last assertion worried my entire household. My brother rarely comments shit because HE truly is busy with his consular shit, but he couldn't tolerate that type of fucking conversation, so he had to speak up. "You were never a zero!").

So far, all I know is this:
The day of the competition, as he was making his way out of the building, some guy stopped him and invited him for a stroll to "talk."
Godson, who was with his dad, agreed to join the man.
Apparently the man took Godson for a ride around the city, and gave him some sort of inspirational speech about the universe. He then told Godson he was actually the owner of numerous hotels in Cancun, and that he'd love for Godson to work for him.
Godson told him he had no money, or clothes, since he only packed for that one week he'd be in town.
The man told Godson not to worry about a thing, that he'd give him his own credit card and set him up in one of the hotels.
Godson told his dad, and his dad shrugged "Son, I can't afford to have you living out here... so... if it's something you have to do, I'll let you and give you the emotional support, but I can't financially support you."
And with that, Godson stayed in Cancun.
Evidently he now has his own condo, and gets paid 12k a month.
His mom? She is NOT happy about this, but since she stayed home while Godson and her husband left for Cancun, she was not taken into consideration when the decision was made.

When I heard all this a sense of urgency overpowered me, and that's when I started messaging Godson.
Hit me up as soon as you can!
And so forth.
I did have a short FB chat session with him, but he cut me off just as I was going to ask him if he at least acquired his diploma.
How fucking amazing was this fucking mysterious offer... how much of a fucking prick was this asshole who didn't allow you TWO MONTHS to complete your fucking degree before permanently moving out so far away from home?!
He just told me he was happy, life was amazing, and that I'd be able to visit him whenever I wanted and for as much time as I wanted down in Cancun, since he now has his own place there.

I could be excited about all of this... and while I AM happy he's happy, something does not fucking add up. I feel a horrible pain my stomach each time I think about this.
Like I said, based on his status updates and comments, I sense he's been brainwashed. He's not MY boy anymore. He's this... weird robot... who is now so incredibly self-centered... even arrogant. All sense of humility in him is now gone.

I'm angry. I'm upset. I feel helpless... frustrated... I can't find the proper term.
I just want answers.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Friend evolution

During the month of December, it's inevitable to start recapitulating everything that went down in the year that is now coming to an end.

I have been looking back on this year since the start of November, and... and shit definitely changed. Things happened.
Was 2012 a good year? Not sure. Was 2012 a bad year? I don't know.
2012 was just different. It was my year of change... the start of it, at least.
I should have expected this would be 2012's theme-- Change-- considering the strange way it began.

After YEARS of wishing to grow some balls to hangout with a dude I came to refer to as my "Darcy," I finally just said "Fuck this. I'll go ahead and do it. Family parties be damned."
It was... awkward, but definitely something I don't regret and something I'd do again.
Here, I met some of his friends... who, with the passage of the year, I came to grow pretty damn endeared.
Come summer time, I have the opportunity to chill with him some more, and again, I meet some more of his friends, with whom I find I have much in common. They become some of my favorite people.

Then comes my favorite person, my best friend Kelley. She becomes engaged this year, and it finally strikes me-- dude, you're the last one. Your trio of friendship is now going to enter a new phase. Your best friends are going to be married, they're going to have legitimate, bonafide best friends, and you're... well, you're the proverbial grasshopper who fucked around all summer and didn't fix shit for the winter. Sola, homegirl.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic for my friend. I think it's one of the best bits of news I heard all year.
This is just a change I'll have to adjust to accordingly.

Another change in a similar fashion was my sister's abrupt departure to Chicago.
I don't know how to explain this one. I miss her, and I don't. I'm happy for her, but I'm also mad as fuck.
She has moved on, I have not.

Another abrupt departure this year was Tyson. He departed this world.
After 11.5 years of seeing him, touching him, hearing him, feeding him, smelling him, loving him... he's gone. Gone. The single creature who helped me through those terribly, painfully, depressing, suicidal years of my life-- gone.
I now have to readjust to once again being dog-less AnoMALIE... except now I know what's it's like to have an unconditional best friend... whose lifeless body I eventually find one morning.
I think about him every day. I miss him every day.

Then comes October's lovely surprise. My godson. He loses his big modeling competition... and now, he's a completely different person. He's... brainwashed.... he... didn't finish college-- one fucking month short of completion!-- he's living in Cancun and none of his family speaks to him and he's talking all sorts of crazy shit and I don't know what to do. I just wake up every morning, horrified with the new fucking propaganda they've instilled in his brain... and I feel completely frustrated and useless because I can't do anything. Absolutely anything.
This kid, this person who knew me so well, inside and out... is now a complete and total stranger to me.

... I've just realized that 2012 was... the year I continuously lost my best friend.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

sin benda

This day, as in, December 1st, will always be reserved for you.
I will always remember you, I will always think of you.

World AIDS Day...
It still trips me out to notice how upset it makes me. It's weird.

I love you.