Thursday, April 12, 2018

I'm the audience

Welp, look at that! I have time to update this thing after so many months.
My bad.

Life isn't slowing down. Life is actually getting hectic as shit and I'm dying for a breather.
Once in a while, I miss my old life. What I miss most is having the ability to workout as often as I did. I always took that shit for granted.
"Big deal. I workout every day, sometimes up to two hours... so what?"
Ummm... that's a big deal. And it was also a big factor in just HOW fucking athletic I actually was... but for stupid reasons, always underestimated ("stupid reasons" being other people convincing me it WASN'T a big deal. Motherfucker... it's a big motherfucking deal).
I'll occasionally see other chicks post "summer workouts" or "booty workouts" and feel immediate regret, since I could bust those moves out on the regular, no sweat.
I never fucking bragged enough. Poop.

Anyway. So right now we're in the middle of a custody battle.
Who would have thought those words would be coming out of my mouth two years ago?
Anyway, this whole thing has opened my eyes to how hideous these situations really are. I mean, I always saw them on television, in movies, read about them in books... but to live through it is another story. Sure, the kid isn't mine, but as an "outsider," I get to see the ugliness to it from a different perspective: as an audience.
I see the girl cry every day she has to go to her mom's. I see her chirpy, super social behavior drastically dip the moment "You go to your Mom's today" comes out of her dad's mouth. I see her in the mornings as she gets dropped off, crying as she hops out of her mom's car.
What the fuck is this woman doing to her kid to fuck her up so bad?
I see my dude try to console his daughter... I see his rage and frustration.
And I try to rationalize everything. But I can't.
The kid's mom is an animal... a selfish human being... a narcissist who is unable to see how badly she's impacting her daughter. That's my conclusion.
Then I see how the attorneys and judges approach family law. I see how skewed it is towards the mom... how she's given everything... and the dads get so fucked over. It's mind bowing.
You basically have to gave a police report or a hospital report proving the child was physically harmed by the mother in order for the court to even CONSIDER her a bad mother.
The dad can pay child support on time for years, never skip a payment... but somehow that's completely overlooked as a positive towards the father.
It's mind blowing.

The case isn't over, but after the first meeting, I felt sick to my stomach.
I don't feel sick for my dude, but his kid. The thought that she might get stuck living with her mom for good makes me sick. I feel for this child... if she gets take away by her mom, this kid's life will make such a flip to the negative, it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.
Poor baby.

So yeah. This new phase of my life... "adulthood," is ugly as shit.
I was totally on to something the entire time I refused to grow up to deal with adult issues... when I was convinced to stay single for life.

And life is only going to get crazier.

I just want to be silly again.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

bye 2017

Well, FUCK! Looks like this year takes the cake for least entries ever.

Unlike other years, it wasn't due to absolute trash happening in my life.
... Umm... maybe I should rephrase it to say crazy bullshit went down... but like, no deaths happened.

I have been incredibly busy, most of the time trying to remain level-headed... or keeping others calm.
That's right, my time has been consumed by ME calming OTHER people... ME... the girl who is tight-wound and neurotic... I have been given the role of... assuager (is that even a word?).

I've been keeping secrets... trying to stick to just myself... internalizing as much shit as possible. I've known this year was going to be like this since the end of January, but it was a task I took on willingly-- I needed to do it.

I've also stayed away from here because I didn't know how to approach what has been happening in my life.
I am both ridiculously happy-- to a level I never thought was meant for me-- but I have also seen some pretty dark days. I have been terrified, I have cried my eyes out for an entire night, I have shivered myself to sleep, I have laughed my ass off, I have helped raise a daughter.

So... it's so much... so damn much. I don't know where to start, what road to take, when it comes to telling what has gone down this year. I can't even tell it completely, because I'm still in the middle of some fucked up shit.

2017 had me doing shit I swore I would never do.
It slapped the fucking shit out of my very cynical ass. It made me believe... it frightened me into believing.
I'm in love. I have a lobster... he wasn't dead after all.
I have a beautiful love story, but as I've always suspected, it is full of... scary shit.
There isn't complete happiness. I adore my guy... he is the best part of me... he adores me, the problem isn't there. There are certain issues going on in our lives that... prove to be quite large to overcome. It's scary... it has me crying often... and it has me wondering just why the fuck the world is so hellbent in seeing little ol' me in pain.
And the pain I feel isn't because it's happening to me... it's strictly happening to my guy and his family... and that shit has me hurting almost every day. It drains me because I try my best to keep THEIR spirits up... because I want them to believe that there is good in this world and that they are deserving of happiness... of goodness... and the cynical/pessimist side of me eats away at me with the "Who are you kidding, Mother Theresa? YOU know the word fucking sucks... cut it out." But I'm stubborn, and if it's in my power, I go and help.

But enough cryptic shit. I'll lay it out for now.
What do I call 2017? The year of MY LOBSTER!
Guys... I married the love of my life. The guy who had been looking for me since he last saw me in seventh grade, found me at the ends of 2016, and refused to let me go.
I'm no longer an "AnoMALIE"... well, I am, but not in the way I always saw myself.
I'm not 'married, married" because I've been having issues with my church. I've been going back and forth with them since April, only to find out THEY lost BOTH my baptism papers and first communion papers... and it's been a shitshow trying to sort all of that.
But I do live with my man... and his thirteen year old daughter.
The year has been a year of adjusting-- poorly. I drive back and forth between his home in Arizona, and Vegas.
... SO MUCH could be said... and will be said, once this time crunch to beat the new year is over.

Did I love 2017? Yes. Did I hate 2017? Yes.
So where do I place this year? What outweighs the other?
I'll mark it as a yes.

And now I beg 2018 to please be kind... because there's a huge storm heading my way... and I'm petrified to face it. One tremendous hurdle was jumped clean 2017, but the next one is a motherfucking monster with potential to destroy my man.
2018... be good to me... make me smile.... make me believe. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

It was meant for me

I was ready, convinced, to end it all the summer of 2015.
I planned the Eurotrip as a last hurrah.
... Let my eyes see Rome and Paris one last time...
What exactly made me hold on, I do not know... since the trip was a flop, considering the amount of times I found myself crying or publicly humiliated.

2016 served as a constant reminder of what a foolish, downright selfish deed suicide really is. So many friends and family endured horrible health tragedies, I spent most of 2016 feeling ashamed for my suicidal thoughts.
Then just as 2016 was pulverizing me with the possibility of losing my beloved aunt... my world was turned upside down by the sudden reappearance of an old... "boyfriend."
Facebook... fucking Facebook... I'm one of those now... someone who was found through the social media platform and... had her life changed.
November 2016 to now has been a whirlwind of motherfucking whirlwinds. I look back to old posts from years ago and wonder HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?!
I've been so happy... but simultaneously so fucking scared... it has made me completely forget what 2015 even felt like... I can't remember what "fog" feels like.

I've been keeping all of this to myself... the stories, the memories, the cute conversations, the heart-melting stares, the visits, the days, the nights... just everything... to myself. I've never done that before. I find myself feeling bad for keeping so much to myself... when my sister or brother or best friend hear something for the first time (like when my brother found out I had a boyfriend... and WHO he was, he was in absolute shock for DAYS) I feel like shit for having kept them in the dark for so long. I just... I'm so scared of losing it, of losing what I have... like I always do... in motherfucking spectacular fashion... I feel the moment I speak of something so wonderful, it will leave my grip and leave me in the worst spot I've ever been.
I'm at such a high... an all-time high... a spot I NEVER thought I'd reach, that I was convinced was NOT meant for me... I'm certain losing it will be the end of me... I will have no way to recover from it... no way.
I've had many moments where I've quietly been embracing him... and have caught my conscience thinking "So this is what it feels like... this... this is what it feels like for someone to be as madly in love with me as I am with them?... this is beautiful..."
And then the negativity infiltrates my mind, the fear creeps in.
How is this going to get ripped out of my hands? When is it going to be stripped away?

I love him, and he loves me. It is insane how synched we are... it's even more insane how silent I have been about it, and how damn near no one knows about this giant step in my life... how I've managed to remain completely silent about it until now.

My life is so different now... and it's only going to further depart from my norm.
I didn't think I was meant to feel like this... to be loved like this... it's... I can't think too much about it or else I cry.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Burj Burj Burj

GUYS! GUYS!! HOLY SHIT, GUYS!

I... never in my motherfucking wildest dreams did I think I'd be experiencing the shit I've experienced in the last three months. I don't even know where to begin.
I have been wanting to write something up... but... good lord, it's impossible to contain the energy long enough to sit the fuck down for a minute or two to type shit up.

2017 has punched the fucking shit out of me, in the strangest way.... it has been a motherfucking Mack truck.

I want to say more, but I also grow scared and nervous that I'll fuck shit up.

I mentioned bracing myself for a horrible fall... and that shit has been hanging heavy in the back of my mind. I am at an all-time high, but I find myself unable to fully appreciate it because I know I'm going to find a way to trip and fall.
It's like... I made it to the fucking top of the Burj Khalifa-- zero safety railings or harnesses-- and I'm only preoccupied with looking down, knowing I'm going to fall down to a very gory death... instead of taking the time to appreciate the gorgeous sights around me and the amazing high of being able to reach that spot.

Eventually I'll talk more about it... when I'm comfortable and less paranoid about fucking up something awesome.

Monday, February 13, 2017

lobsters in a tank

It's like time stood still... like those 20 years didn't go by... the feelings are amplified.
I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
No one has looked at me like he does, spoken to me like he does, and much less touched me the way he does... as though I'm the most fucking precious object on Earth.

My lobster-- he's alive, and has found me. I have agreed to get caught in the same tank.

But this isn't a happy story... anything that ever has to do with me should never be considered a happy story.

I'm just trying to hold on to this feeling before the world collapses... like it always does... knowing full well that this time it will hurt worse than it ever has in the past.

... I jumped off that cliff with my motherfucking eyes closed.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Black Mustang

"I'm the black mustang," he texted.
I saw him through his tinted windows, and smiled... hopping out of my parked car.
I had been waiting about a minute, letting him know what part of the mall parking lot I was in.
He nervously stood in front of me, I immediately went in for the hug-- as tightly as possible.

"Jesus Christ... I haven't seen you since... seventh grade!" I said.
The smell of freshly blazed weed overtook my nostrils.
He bashfully kicked at the floor, hands in pockets, occasionally making eye-contact with my overly excited face.
"Oh my god... that is strong," I said as I cough a little.
"I knew it'd be a good idea to blaze before seeing you... you're fucking beautiful, I would have not been able to talk to you at all" he said.

I met up with 5thGradeBoyfriend today... and it was... so good... oddly very good... like... I... didn't even suspect it would feel this good.
He drove out from Arizona for the weekend, unbeknownst to me.
He was incredibly bashful, which was uncommon in the guy I always knew... he was a total bad kid last time I checked. I found myself in the awkward position of trying to make HIM feel comfortable... I was the one with the job of speaking... of asking questions... acting extroverted.
Often times, I'd come to a complete silence because I'd catch him through my periphery just gazing at me... a gaze I've never felt, really... the goofiest, dopiest... most... lovestruck gaze I've ever seen anyone throw my way. It was like live-action Bambi... the twitterpated part.
"Ummm... Hiiiii, *5thGBF*!" I'd say, waving while smiling.
"I'm sorry... I just..." he'd say.
"It's really me... I'm here, in the flesh," I said, grabbing his hand with mine, showing him I was really there.

The way he looks at me... it's... it'll follow me for life. He has always looked at me that way... like I'm... some fucking mirage of his wildest dreams come true... not a lusty dream, just... a calm, joyous dream... if that makes sense. There is no perverse lust in his look... or judgement... it's... such a lovely feeling... I can't explain it... I just, never thought anyone out there would be able to look at me that way... like... I'm being worshipped... like I'm the best fucking thing the universe could have placed in their tracks.
Like I am a motherfucking heavenly mirage, damn it.

I'd look down and blush... smiling when the quiet admiring of my face (and it was just my face... not my tits, or legs, or ass... he'd examine every inch of my face with the most tender glance... Jesus, it gives me goosebumps) would last too long.
"Whaaaaat?" I'd finally whine.
"You're just... so much prettier... I didn't think it could be possible... you're... so perfect. Everything about you is so perfect," he said one of the times.
There was a hint of melancholy in his speech... like his regrets over his bad decisions would get the best of him. The guy carries a lot of sadness... and he's genuinely shocked that I would insist on staying friends with him, on being with him.
"Aren't you ashamed of being seen with me?" he asked.
"Why would I?" I asked.
"Like that white dude. He's clearly wondering what a nice girl like you... in your Audi, is doing talking to a... lowlife like me," he said.
My heart broke.
"I don't give a shit what he thinks. Your heart is kind and kept me sane during a time I felt at my loneliest" I said.

We talked for two hours... in my car, in the parking lot of a mall... my flowery scent mixing with his lingering weed fumes... and that shit felt like heaven.

The way he quietly admired my face... I'll never forget that.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

So many thanks

Always my favorite holiday.
Always weird, often uncomfortable situations occur.
Still my favorite holiday.

I spend this day with the family I hold closest, the ones who always show their love and share it.

I didn't think this day would come as fast as it did, I was actually dreading the awkward political confrontation that was promised to occur instead.
I never thought one of my closest relatives would be fighting for her life so damn soon.
Instead of political fights, my beloved aunt, Mooney's mom, suffered a massive aneurysm... and has been hospitalized since Sunday morning. I haven't seen her conscious at all.

Life's a blur. I haven't stayed so long in a hospital for any other family member in the past, not even my father. I fucking hate hospitals... yet there I am, not giving a shit... for as long as I can.
I love this woman... a lot... like, I can't begin to explain how much of my happiness and mental sanity I owe to her. She helped rescue my childhood from the doom it was promised. She has helped put a smile on my face during bitter growing pains.

Today was somber... today we all forced the food down... but we also stuck together like the glue we are.
Tonight I saw my aunt open her eyes... and give the nurse her famous annoyed glare... and I saw her squeeze my uncle's hand, and move her index finger when asked to do it... she moved it with desperation... the "I'm here! I'm HERE!" kind of desperation you so often see in movies.

I just want her to come back... and today was a promising start.
Please come back, tia.