Thursday, December 31, 2009


I don't know where to start.

This year has been... insane... downright cruel to me.
It has done SO much shit... SO MUCH shit...
I should have known from that very first day. January 1st began horrifyingly frightening. At least I was given a day's break before it decided to take my grandpa from me.
Well, since we're on how this year has sucked dick, let's go on a monthly recap of everything:

Yes, it was fun for president's day weekend... aka Valentine's day, where I actually had 2 dates and blah blah blah. Ok, I lie... that weekend was pretty GREAT.
Of course, everything went to shit by the end. I didn't share this before... I forgot... sort of, but I also didn't want to worry anyone, I hate the attention. But, ok, I'll tell you now, since it has been 10 months: I had a cancer scare.
Yeah. My head was not here. I think it left me the instant I made my mind up to get cut.
I was sliced and I couldn't make sudden movements with my left arm for a week, but other than that, it's ok. It still kind of hurts if I sleep on my left side the entire night, and I still pass my hand over the spot andhave major "What if.." moments.
Once it came along (3 days later), as in, my birthday, my friends were inviting me to LA/San Diego/Rosarito, and when I declined, they almost got me to fess up, but I just told them I had a bad injury.
The month continued to suck because of the drama that one girl brought with the Cancun ticket fiasco. That was fun. But the month did end with a trip to Hollywood... so... I could finally stop crying a little.
My mom's older sister suffered a mild stroke/heart attack, which led to Mom rushing to Mexico and taking care of her, as well as grandma (since this aunt was the one in charge of caring for grandma). This turned me into an instant accountant after a 5 minute tutorial given by mom... and I worked FOR FREE for Dad. I was given jack-shit in return... just frequent headaches.
I was given a nice "Happy Mother's Day!" from LIFE with the sudden death of one of my favorite aunts. Her death was provoked... so... let's leave it at that. The family involved in her troubles no longer speaks to us, after a lifetime of friendship.
This month was marked by frequent heartache... well... I don't know how to put it. It was... me being an idiot... loving a boy who only loved me when he was lonely, basically. All the other time, he gave me backhanded compliments and rubbed my face in shit, metaphorically. He would keep me up until 4 in the morning the entire month, bullshitting around. Can you blame me for being hypnotized by the guy?
Oh, JUNE!! One word: CANCUN.
LIFE showed me just HOW wrong I have always been.
I confessed... and ERRRRR! BRIIIICK!
Oh! The degree of heartbreak a human being can reach.
Spent the entire month in a war zone... aka Durango, MX. There was not a day I could breathe easily while being down there.
I also spent the month with my very frail grandmother. It physically hurt me to see her like that. I couldn't look at her for more than 30 seconds before running out of the room crying.
If I think about it too long, I still cry.
"Como un Cristo..."
Last month I saw grandma alive. She cried, didn't want to leave our house, wanted us to bring her to Vegas... and she told us she wasn't going to make it to December. I have never seen so much heartbreak in someone's face... like that day on my grandma. Knowing she was no longer going to see us again, and wanting to share just ONE more day. That was... painful.
The end. 89 years, and she left. We rushed to Mexico for the final farewell.
Most surreal month of my life.
2 other deaths occurred... maybe more, I don't remember... but all in quick succession.
I can't really remember this month.
Just... detachment. Depression.
Realized... I... I don't know. I went to San Francisco again... and while I had an awesome time, after the clout died down, it just left me feeling sad... and once again, used.
Just when I think my heart's healed... it gets broken in some very innovative ways.
I applied for a job. I didn't even get a "We got your app. Thanks, but no thanks." I felt stupid. The end.
Started off super depressed. It only worsened once I realized I WASTED this entire year. I never got to taking the GRE, much less applying to grad school. SO overwhelmed by it all.
Total crisis mode.
Went to Mexico for almost 2 weeks and my mood lifted. I got lit a couple of times while out there (on one occasion, I was blacking out. It was definitely my worst drunken time EVER. I had only eaten 6 baby powdered doughnuts the entire day. I drank moderately originally, however, everything went to hell the moment I lost a hand at Texas Hold 'em. My friend bet 8 tequila shots, I called. I had pocket aces, he made a straight on the river. That shit FUCKED. ME. UP. I lost 2 more hands, but only for a total of 3 shots. Anyway, there was drama once I started passing out. My bro was also drunk and he made a toast to "That one Girl/Guy you will ALWAYS love, no matter what... even if you can never be with them again." He was forcing everyone at the party say a name. Not wanting to spill the beans, I acted as if I was passed out for the moment. HOWEVER, MGH's brother screamed MGH's complete name when it was my turn, and of course, I cried. "How does he know?!?!" Jesus. I was taken away after that), and being with my two little cousins is always awesome. They make me smile.
I thought of my grandma often while out there. Fuck, I miss her terribly. I'd fight back tears each time I saw something that reminded me of her. Mom had us all crying on Christmas eve, she cried a lot. It was... a very... umm, there was desperation in her voice. She'd rub at her eyes furiously while saying "I TRY NOT TO CRY! I TRY NOT TO THINK OF IT! I TELL MYSELF SHE'S WITH GOD, SHE'S IN HEAVEN. BUT.... AHHHHH! I MISS MY MOMMY!! NO ESTA MI MADRECITA!"
Then we got drunk that night and laughed really hard as Mom's older sister kept calling herself a gorilla and wanting us to take pictures of her behind her door gates (as if she were an attraction at the zoo), as Mom stood on the other side of the gates with the "gorilla" reaching out, menacingly, towards her. I mean... it was quite hilarious, to the point where you could hear us all laughing in the middle of the night in that tinyass town.
I guess you could say December went out sort of saying "Yo, dude, I'm sorry I was a fucking prick...
here, have a couple of laughs real quick, before I go."

2010... this WILL be MY year.
2009... fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK. YOU.

Recolutions? I'm going to be happy. I WILL make lemonade with the lemons life throws at me (I heard that line about 5 times yesterday as I drove back from MX, listening to the satellite radio).