Sunday, December 31, 2017

bye 2017

Well, FUCK! Looks like this year takes the cake for least entries ever.

Unlike other years, it wasn't due to absolute trash happening in my life.
... Umm... maybe I should rephrase it to say crazy bullshit went down... but like, no deaths happened.

I have been incredibly busy, most of the time trying to remain level-headed... or keeping others calm.
That's right, my time has been consumed by ME calming OTHER people... ME... the girl who is tight-wound and neurotic... I have been given the role of... assuager (is that even a word?).

I've been keeping secrets... trying to stick to just myself... internalizing as much shit as possible. I've known this year was going to be like this since the end of January, but it was a task I took on willingly-- I needed to do it.

I've also stayed away from here because I didn't know how to approach what has been happening in my life.
I am both ridiculously happy-- to a level I never thought was meant for me-- but I have also seen some pretty dark days. I have been terrified, I have cried my eyes out for an entire night, I have shivered myself to sleep, I have laughed my ass off, I have helped raise a daughter.

So... it's so much... so damn much. I don't know where to start, what road to take, when it comes to telling what has gone down this year. I can't even tell it completely, because I'm still in the middle of some fucked up shit.

2017 had me doing shit I swore I would never do.
It slapped the fucking shit out of my very cynical ass. It made me believe... it frightened me into believing.
I'm in love. I have a lobster... he wasn't dead after all.
I have a beautiful love story, but as I've always suspected, it is full of... scary shit.
There isn't complete happiness. I adore my guy... he is the best part of me... he adores me, the problem isn't there. There are certain issues going on in our lives that... prove to be quite large to overcome. It's scary... it has me crying often... and it has me wondering just why the fuck the world is so hellbent in seeing little ol' me in pain.
And the pain I feel isn't because it's happening to me... it's strictly happening to my guy and his family... and that shit has me hurting almost every day. It drains me because I try my best to keep THEIR spirits up... because I want them to believe that there is good in this world and that they are deserving of happiness... of goodness... and the cynical/pessimist side of me eats away at me with the "Who are you kidding, Mother Theresa? YOU know the word fucking sucks... cut it out." But I'm stubborn, and if it's in my power, I go and help.

But enough cryptic shit. I'll lay it out for now.
What do I call 2017? The year of MY LOBSTER!
Guys... I married the love of my life. The guy who had been looking for me since he last saw me in seventh grade, found me at the ends of 2016, and refused to let me go.
I'm no longer an "AnoMALIE"... well, I am, but not in the way I always saw myself.
I'm not 'married, married" because I've been having issues with my church. I've been going back and forth with them since April, only to find out THEY lost BOTH my baptism papers and first communion papers... and it's been a shitshow trying to sort all of that.
But I do live with my man... and his thirteen year old daughter.
The year has been a year of adjusting-- poorly. I drive back and forth between his home in Arizona, and Vegas.
... SO MUCH could be said... and will be said, once this time crunch to beat the new year is over.

Did I love 2017? Yes. Did I hate 2017? Yes.
So where do I place this year? What outweighs the other?
I'll mark it as a yes.

And now I beg 2018 to please be kind... because there's a huge storm heading my way... and I'm petrified to face it. One tremendous hurdle was jumped clean 2017, but the next one is a motherfucking monster with potential to destroy my man.
2018... be good to me... make me smile.... make me believe. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

It was meant for me

I was ready, convinced, to end it all the summer of 2015.
I planned the Eurotrip as a last hurrah.
... Let my eyes see Rome and Paris one last time...
What exactly made me hold on, I do not know... since the trip was a flop, considering the amount of times I found myself crying or publicly humiliated.

2016 served as a constant reminder of what a foolish, downright selfish deed suicide really is. So many friends and family endured horrible health tragedies, I spent most of 2016 feeling ashamed for my suicidal thoughts.
Then just as 2016 was pulverizing me with the possibility of losing my beloved aunt... my world was turned upside down by the sudden reappearance of an old... "boyfriend."
Facebook... fucking Facebook... I'm one of those now... someone who was found through the social media platform and... had her life changed.
November 2016 to now has been a whirlwind of motherfucking whirlwinds. I look back to old posts from years ago and wonder HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?!
I've been so happy... but simultaneously so fucking scared... it has made me completely forget what 2015 even felt like... I can't remember what "fog" feels like.

I've been keeping all of this to myself... the stories, the memories, the cute conversations, the heart-melting stares, the visits, the days, the nights... just everything... to myself. I've never done that before. I find myself feeling bad for keeping so much to myself... when my sister or brother or best friend hear something for the first time (like when my brother found out I had a boyfriend... and WHO he was, he was in absolute shock for DAYS) I feel like shit for having kept them in the dark for so long. I just... I'm so scared of losing it, of losing what I have... like I always do... in motherfucking spectacular fashion... I feel the moment I speak of something so wonderful, it will leave my grip and leave me in the worst spot I've ever been.
I'm at such a high... an all-time high... a spot I NEVER thought I'd reach, that I was convinced was NOT meant for me... I'm certain losing it will be the end of me... I will have no way to recover from it... no way.
I've had many moments where I've quietly been embracing him... and have caught my conscience thinking "So this is what it feels like... this... this is what it feels like for someone to be as madly in love with me as I am with them?... this is beautiful..."
And then the negativity infiltrates my mind, the fear creeps in.
How is this going to get ripped out of my hands? When is it going to be stripped away?

I love him, and he loves me. It is insane how synched we are... it's even more insane how silent I have been about it, and how damn near no one knows about this giant step in my life... how I've managed to remain completely silent about it until now.

My life is so different now... and it's only going to further depart from my norm.
I didn't think I was meant to feel like this... to be loved like this... it's... I can't think too much about it or else I cry.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Burj Burj Burj


I... never in my motherfucking wildest dreams did I think I'd be experiencing the shit I've experienced in the last three months. I don't even know where to begin.
I have been wanting to write something up... but... good lord, it's impossible to contain the energy long enough to sit the fuck down for a minute or two to type shit up.

2017 has punched the fucking shit out of me, in the strangest way.... it has been a motherfucking Mack truck.

I want to say more, but I also grow scared and nervous that I'll fuck shit up.

I mentioned bracing myself for a horrible fall... and that shit has been hanging heavy in the back of my mind. I am at an all-time high, but I find myself unable to fully appreciate it because I know I'm going to find a way to trip and fall.
It's like... I made it to the fucking top of the Burj Khalifa-- zero safety railings or harnesses-- and I'm only preoccupied with looking down, knowing I'm going to fall down to a very gory death... instead of taking the time to appreciate the gorgeous sights around me and the amazing high of being able to reach that spot.

Eventually I'll talk more about it... when I'm comfortable and less paranoid about fucking up something awesome.

Monday, February 13, 2017

lobsters in a tank

It's like time stood still... like those 20 years didn't go by... the feelings are amplified.
I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
No one has looked at me like he does, spoken to me like he does, and much less touched me the way he does... as though I'm the most fucking precious object on Earth.

My lobster-- he's alive, and has found me. I have agreed to get caught in the same tank.

But this isn't a happy story... anything that ever has to do with me should never be considered a happy story.

I'm just trying to hold on to this feeling before the world collapses... like it always does... knowing full well that this time it will hurt worse than it ever has in the past.

... I jumped off that cliff with my motherfucking eyes closed.