I make a goddamn honest effort to not clam up... I even do that stupid thing where I spend hours just pumping myself up to NOT be quiet and shy. I try and think of things that encourage me to be chirpy and nice and talkative... But it doesn't work. It doesn't work for anything more than half an hour.
Yesterday was a very bad day.
Neither D nor JC thought I'd reach the level I did.
It was a combination of sadness, anger, and above all FRUSTRATION... which led me to wilt from 4:30 in the afternoon and on.
D and JC thought I'd be able to laugh it off, because they thought I was being dramatic... but after an hour, they were concerned, doing everything in hopes of getting a smile out of me.
Then they were quiet. Frowning, they left me alone in the kitchen, where I was finally able to cry out my frustration.
When shit goes down, I swear it's like I'm having an out of body experience. My head keeps screaming "TALK, YOU IDIOT! RIGHT NOW! RIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOW!" But my body shuts down-- my lips seal, and I walk away.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!" I can hear my mind scream next. "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY! You go back in there and do what you came here to do!"
But I just keep walking.
Whether it's ordering gelato, or asking for directions, I panic... and I quit.
This is all so very exhausting for me. It saddens me like few other things can... Because I know what I NEED to do, but somehow I allow my intimidation to get the best of me, and I lose.
Yesyerday, I was SET to go out and chill with Darcy, regardless whether JC and/or D would accompany me.
First JC bailed, and I was fine-- I know my way around the city, I have a map, and he needed to finish up a very important assignment.
D was on board because she didn't want to be alone for so long... But I could tell she was very reluctant about it.
"Tell me again why I need to care about going here?" she asked as we made our way to the train station.
"Because I care..." was all I could say, feeling my throat closing up... knowing this was not going to end well.
We made line to purchase tickets, and as I touched the screen, D took over and started inputing the information.
Right before I inserted the money, she flipped out.
"WAIT! We're paying HOW MUCH?! No. I'm sorry, we're NOT GOING. I'm a broke ass. I don't have that kind of money. I don't know him. No. And I'm not going to let YOU spend this amount of money for a guy, either. No. It's stupid. I'm sorry."
I looked at her, completely confused by her display of bewilderment. I felt my throat closing up, and couldn't control the tears from escaping my right eye (that eye is such a weak piece of shit. Always loses it first and kills it for me).
But... It's only an hour away... Plans are ready... We just need to hop on a train and it... WE'RE ONLY AN HOUR AWAY!
Instead of making a further scene, I proceeded to quietly follow my sister out of the station, only murmuring "Well.. Yeah... If you didn't plan for this expense... I wouldn't want you to spend your hardearned money on something you'll be upset about doing..."
As the day continued into the night, my nonchalant façade only further broke down. By 9PM I was on the wood floor, curled up into a ball, trying to sleep as a means to keep from crying. The stiff floor welcomed, since the disconfort kept my mind off how frustrated I was with myself... All I could really think of was how to position myself to keep from physically hurting too much.
... anything to keep from thinking about how badly I was hurting on the inside.
Why do I fear conflict so much? Why do I just lay down and allow others to trample all over me just to keep the peace... To be the only one who will be left angry and upset?
JC tried "fixing" things by adding his two cents.
"If he really gave a shit, he would have made it up here. I don't know him, yet I ALMOST made the trip down there. If you mattered, that's what would have happened. I'm just telling the truth. Don't fool yourself, AnoMALIE... Now change out of those pajamas and let's go out and drink!"
I stayed in my pajamas, curled up in my bed, and proceeded to cry until I passed out for the night.
That wall... That wall will always be there.