No worries, you aren't missing much by not seeing (his current city), Berlin is by far the more interesting place.
Oh, silly boy, if you only knew...
Not missing much? Only what has mattered most to me for the last nine years.
I don't care where it is-- next door, across the ocean, a landfill, or the moon... wherever you are is what matters-- what I find interesting... the most interesting of interesting places. Anywhere else I may be, or anything else I may see, is secondary-- inconsequential.
In not seeing you, I'm missing much... I'm missing it all.
So... clearly I was upset two weeks ago... fucking devastated, heartbroken, pissed, sad, frustrated... all of that messed up shit.
So many things were running through my mind, that I finally couldn't keep my composure and I lost it in front of my sister and JC.
Now that I have time to look back and examine it all with a clear mind (because yes, my mind cleared and I cheered the fuck up the moment I stepped foot in Paris. I had to think of other shit, like "Goddamn it! NO ENGLISH, AnoMALIE! You are to speak ONLY FRENCH! Sound natural, sound natural, sound natural. 'Allo, la bas, si vous plait. Merci! Oui, c'est ma deuxième fois de visite a la cite'" and not about missing out on seeing and hanging out in a foreign country with the boy I've always swooned for-- for nearly a decade of my life), things are making sense.
Tuesday morning, as I made breakfast and fought any negative thoughts that tried creeping back into my head to make me cry about my incompetence, JC walked into the kitchen and checked up on my wellbeing.
JC: Oh, well, it's good to see you're in spirits to finally eat.
Me: Eh. Long day ahead. Hard to believe I'll be in Paris in a few hours.
JC: Oh look, you're talking again.
Me: Eh.
JC: You fucking irritated me last night. Luckily you're making us breakfast, so I forgive you.
Me: Forgive ME? I didn't know I needed it, but thanks...
JC: YOU'RE IN GERMANY! No room to be all fucking (copies me looking miserable, sulking) mopey and stupid. Shit fucking pissed me off.
Me: JC, I missed out on hanging out with the one guy I've ever liked... He lives way the fuck out here... and I KNOW he will never be for me... but ANY opportunity to even SEE him is important to me. Missing such a thing... because I'm such a fucking retard... broke my heart.
JC: It's not so serious.
Me: JC... he's the one I toasted to. YOU moved out here for the girl YOU toasted to that night. Shut the fuck up.
This is where I think JC and I are too alike.
He moved out to Berlin because he fell hard for a girl he met one night, and spent only ONE DAY getting to know.
It took him a few years to actually make his way out to Berlin, and in those years, he happened to meet Em. They became serious, because Em is the more tangible option... but BerlinGirl is still his ONE.
She's the one he will always admire and for whom his heart will wildly flutter... but she's also the one he knows will never be able to... be.
He gets to see her, hear her, smell her, touch her at the moment, but he too is victim of that invisible wall. Unspoken words... no, can't happen. Wont happen.
I saw the way he looked at her at the Champs League Finale party. He doesn't look at Em that way. The way he spoke to her... he doesn't speak like that to Em.
He sat right next to BerlinGirl, and leaned over even closer... this... sheepish look on his face... but that was it. It's like admiring a highly-guarded treasure: you can look, but the moment you touch you drop dead.
Maybe his irritation with me rose from seeing how I-- in a very similar situation to his-- choose to fade with my sadness, rather than move on and look for someone else.
It's not that I don't want to... it's just that I can't.
I'm destined to watch everyone find their "rib" as I quietly sit on my bench... acting unaffected... but wishing to really just be invisible.
Oh, silly boy, if you only knew...
Not missing much? Only what has mattered most to me for the last nine years.
I don't care where it is-- next door, across the ocean, a landfill, or the moon... wherever you are is what matters-- what I find interesting... the most interesting of interesting places. Anywhere else I may be, or anything else I may see, is secondary-- inconsequential.
In not seeing you, I'm missing much... I'm missing it all.
So... clearly I was upset two weeks ago... fucking devastated, heartbroken, pissed, sad, frustrated... all of that messed up shit.
So many things were running through my mind, that I finally couldn't keep my composure and I lost it in front of my sister and JC.
Now that I have time to look back and examine it all with a clear mind (because yes, my mind cleared and I cheered the fuck up the moment I stepped foot in Paris. I had to think of other shit, like "Goddamn it! NO ENGLISH, AnoMALIE! You are to speak ONLY FRENCH! Sound natural, sound natural, sound natural. 'Allo, la bas, si vous plait. Merci! Oui, c'est ma deuxième fois de visite a la cite'" and not about missing out on seeing and hanging out in a foreign country with the boy I've always swooned for-- for nearly a decade of my life), things are making sense.
Tuesday morning, as I made breakfast and fought any negative thoughts that tried creeping back into my head to make me cry about my incompetence, JC walked into the kitchen and checked up on my wellbeing.
JC: Oh, well, it's good to see you're in spirits to finally eat.
Me: Eh. Long day ahead. Hard to believe I'll be in Paris in a few hours.
JC: Oh look, you're talking again.
Me: Eh.
JC: You fucking irritated me last night. Luckily you're making us breakfast, so I forgive you.
Me: Forgive ME? I didn't know I needed it, but thanks...
JC: YOU'RE IN GERMANY! No room to be all fucking (copies me looking miserable, sulking) mopey and stupid. Shit fucking pissed me off.
Me: JC, I missed out on hanging out with the one guy I've ever liked... He lives way the fuck out here... and I KNOW he will never be for me... but ANY opportunity to even SEE him is important to me. Missing such a thing... because I'm such a fucking retard... broke my heart.
JC: It's not so serious.
Me: JC... he's the one I toasted to. YOU moved out here for the girl YOU toasted to that night. Shut the fuck up.
This is where I think JC and I are too alike.
He moved out to Berlin because he fell hard for a girl he met one night, and spent only ONE DAY getting to know.
It took him a few years to actually make his way out to Berlin, and in those years, he happened to meet Em. They became serious, because Em is the more tangible option... but BerlinGirl is still his ONE.
She's the one he will always admire and for whom his heart will wildly flutter... but she's also the one he knows will never be able to... be.
He gets to see her, hear her, smell her, touch her at the moment, but he too is victim of that invisible wall. Unspoken words... no, can't happen. Wont happen.
I saw the way he looked at her at the Champs League Finale party. He doesn't look at Em that way. The way he spoke to her... he doesn't speak like that to Em.
He sat right next to BerlinGirl, and leaned over even closer... this... sheepish look on his face... but that was it. It's like admiring a highly-guarded treasure: you can look, but the moment you touch you drop dead.
Maybe his irritation with me rose from seeing how I-- in a very similar situation to his-- choose to fade with my sadness, rather than move on and look for someone else.
It's not that I don't want to... it's just that I can't.
I'm destined to watch everyone find their "rib" as I quietly sit on my bench... acting unaffected... but wishing to really just be invisible.
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