I'm not editing these posts, man... I'm sure reading them sometime down the road I'll be cringing just like I do when I re-read my old paper diaries.
I find it appropriate my first two posts have been about my two babies. These two little humans are what have my anxiety at such a scary level. I'm always worrying about them, the smallest sneeze will have me paranoid for the entire day.
I read all the horror stories of parents with sick kids and freak out. I don't wish any type of pain and suffering on little kids... they're the least deserving.
I still weird myself out when I mention my kids. They appeared in my life in such a quick unexpected time... little humans I never thought I'd have... little humans I always said I'd never have.
I'm not your typical mom. I'm actually pretty fucking bad at it. I hear all the fellow moms talk about how enamored they are with the job... but I... I feel like a total failure.
I suck at comforting my kids. That shit makes me cry when I think about it too long. I also tell myself I'll get better at it as they get older.
A while back I was playing a game with my husband, where I had to interview him with a list of questions provided by a friend. It was one of those "get to know me" type games.
The question was "describe me in three words" and his response was "very good mom" and I started to cry. He thought I was crying because I was so touched by the answer... but I cried because... am I not more than a "mom"? Everyone else used three adjectives to describe their significant other, and my man said "very good mom." And I'm not even a good mom! I KNOW I'm not a good mom. I don't feed my kids all that organic shit, I don't make their puree... hell, I couldn't even breastfeed either of them-- they wouldn't accept it! Do you know how upsetting and heartbreaking it is for your offspring to reject you? Shit that has gone down for fucking ages... what has kept human kind going... is something my kids rejected... they would have preferred to starve to death.
I pumped for both kids, and both kids hated it... so I stopped.
That shit still makes me cry when I think about it.
I can't even play with my oldest... I've always been either too sick or too pregnant to do anything.
He's a very active little man... loves the outdoors and hates cartoons/television. I'm shit out of luck when it comes to helping him be happy. I apologize to him on the regular for being such a garbage mom. Everyone else picks up my slack and entertains him for me... just like they had to take care of him for me in his first months of life because my recovery was so stagnant and painful.
My littlest isn't faring so well with his mother. I apologize to him regularly as well... starting with how angry I was at knowing he existed... and how long I debated whether or not to keep him. I'll carry that guilt forever.
Then when I found out my body was poisoning him in the womb... I fucking cried and apologized for that too. I felt I brought that bad karma onto him... my poor chubby man. I cried so fucking much. I apologized so fucking much.
I can't care for him nearly as much as I should because my body is once again trash (but doing a little better than with the first baby). I apologize for that to both my kids... I'm sorry my body is such garbage.
My liver is enlarged/aggravated and my gallbladder has large polyps... that shit often makes me think about my mortality. I asked about what to do with my gallbladder, and my gastroenterologist said I basically have to wait until the pain is unbearable or the polyps turn cancerous before they remove them. That was encouraging.
t hope I live long enough to make it up to them.
I'm not a very good mom, but I've always been convinced I'm a pretty good human being.
I find it appropriate my first two posts have been about my two babies. These two little humans are what have my anxiety at such a scary level. I'm always worrying about them, the smallest sneeze will have me paranoid for the entire day.
I read all the horror stories of parents with sick kids and freak out. I don't wish any type of pain and suffering on little kids... they're the least deserving.
I still weird myself out when I mention my kids. They appeared in my life in such a quick unexpected time... little humans I never thought I'd have... little humans I always said I'd never have.
I'm not your typical mom. I'm actually pretty fucking bad at it. I hear all the fellow moms talk about how enamored they are with the job... but I... I feel like a total failure.
I suck at comforting my kids. That shit makes me cry when I think about it too long. I also tell myself I'll get better at it as they get older.
A while back I was playing a game with my husband, where I had to interview him with a list of questions provided by a friend. It was one of those "get to know me" type games.
The question was "describe me in three words" and his response was "very good mom" and I started to cry. He thought I was crying because I was so touched by the answer... but I cried because... am I not more than a "mom"? Everyone else used three adjectives to describe their significant other, and my man said "very good mom." And I'm not even a good mom! I KNOW I'm not a good mom. I don't feed my kids all that organic shit, I don't make their puree... hell, I couldn't even breastfeed either of them-- they wouldn't accept it! Do you know how upsetting and heartbreaking it is for your offspring to reject you? Shit that has gone down for fucking ages... what has kept human kind going... is something my kids rejected... they would have preferred to starve to death.
I pumped for both kids, and both kids hated it... so I stopped.
That shit still makes me cry when I think about it.
I can't even play with my oldest... I've always been either too sick or too pregnant to do anything.
He's a very active little man... loves the outdoors and hates cartoons/television. I'm shit out of luck when it comes to helping him be happy. I apologize to him on the regular for being such a garbage mom. Everyone else picks up my slack and entertains him for me... just like they had to take care of him for me in his first months of life because my recovery was so stagnant and painful.
My littlest isn't faring so well with his mother. I apologize to him regularly as well... starting with how angry I was at knowing he existed... and how long I debated whether or not to keep him. I'll carry that guilt forever.
Then when I found out my body was poisoning him in the womb... I fucking cried and apologized for that too. I felt I brought that bad karma onto him... my poor chubby man. I cried so fucking much. I apologized so fucking much.
I can't care for him nearly as much as I should because my body is once again trash (but doing a little better than with the first baby). I apologize for that to both my kids... I'm sorry my body is such garbage.
My liver is enlarged/aggravated and my gallbladder has large polyps... that shit often makes me think about my mortality. I asked about what to do with my gallbladder, and my gastroenterologist said I basically have to wait until the pain is unbearable or the polyps turn cancerous before they remove them. That was encouraging.
t hope I live long enough to make it up to them.
I'm not a very good mom, but I've always been convinced I'm a pretty good human being.
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