While in Chicago at the start of this month (I think it was something like July 8-13th. Feels like a fucking eternity ago for some reason), I managed to get my sister to admit to moving out there for a guy-- you know, what we ALL suspected.
Also during this time, I saw this guy (the dude for whom my sister moved to Chicago) for the second time in my life (first time I saw him was the same time Sister first saw him, which was back in September of 2010. I'm pretty sure there's an angsty post about that shit if I'd bother to check on here). I wouldn't necessarily call this Chicago trip "great," but it was pretty cool... more like educational... lots of prime people-watching was done (most of it bumming me the fuck out because I kept noticing how I AM the fucking anomaly of the group... actually, just a straight up anomaly of a human. I am totally not normal or average or typical. I'm one weird, odd case). Much, MUCH people-watching relating to romance was done. Hook ups and break ups and unreciprocated feelings were observed.
One thing in particular that irritated me was my sister's relationship with her guy. They had been in an argument where he had just dumped her a week earlier, but while I was with Sister, they were making up.
Things with Sister and her dude were good by the time I left the city.
Fast-forward to this weekend, which was a cousin's wedding to which my sister flew back home to attend with us.
Sister: Ugh. *Dude* is being a fucking asshole again... all fucking weird and moody... telling me not to talk to him because I offended him with a joke. I wish he were back to how he was when you were in Chicago. I'm mad at him now.
Me: I don't even want to hear it anymore. I'm mad at YOU for putting yourself through this again. How many times has he dumped you? You're an idiot for not moving on. You bring this onto yourself.
My self-righteous ass is one to talk. Here I am getting frustrated with my sister for her strong adherence to this dysfunctional relationship with a clearly damaged man... yet I have always been one to gravitate towards dysfunctionality as well. I only have to look back to that hell year that was 4th grade where my "friends" would beat my ass day in and day out to remember that I too participated in that strange behavior of staying put in an abusive relationship.
People show us they're not worth a shit, yet there we go again... back into the cycle of emotional abuse.
This brings me to my current frustration/drama with my godson. I am an absolute FOOL trying to act like this is the first time he shows his true colors. I remember a few years back he broke my heart when he did something to ruin my school/work plans by slighting me... something like that, I forgot the details of the situation because it was so upsetting to me. Point is, I KNEW the potential was there, I KNEW he was not loyal, I knew his word did not mean much... I KNEW he did not hold me in the same esteem. I had all these red flags, and FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE, and yet I still went ahead and steamrolled that shit... STILL taking him with me to Europe.
I damn this very fucking stupid trait of mine... this loyalty bullshit I acquire for someone who has helped me through a difficult time... this attachment and eternal gratitude I acquire for anyone who has taken the time to put a smile on my face. That fucking shit gets me in trouble... and yet I can't seem to kill this tendency.
Bad episodes of disillusionment put me in a predicament I hate. On one hand, I want to be much more ruthless, to cut out any tenderness in my heart so as to possess the ability to destroy someone with the same violence they used to destroy my faith in them. I want to be horrible and vindictive and HURT them where it counts... cause SO much fucking emotional damage to an outed ingrate, they'll have nightmares about me for the remainder of their life. I want to FUCK. THEM. UP.
ON THE OTHER hand, I want to remain... kind. I want to be the girl who remains... selfless and eternally grateful and at someone's service. I WANT to be that person... even when I know MANY of these people will see me as nothing more than an imbecile who deserves to be taken advantage of (I hate ending a sentence in a preposition, but fuck it). I want to remain the exception to the rule... the rule that even a good girl goes bad... that everyone has a breaking point. I want to prove someone out there can remain good-- dependable, sincerely fucking dependable... with zero ulterior motives aside from seeing YOU happy. Honestly. That's what I want, what I've always wanted. I want to help others be happy... even if it means I'm going to fucking pay for it at the end.
As furious as betrayal makes me... it comes nowhere near as strongly as the sense of fulfillment I get when I know I've helped someone out. But it fucking hurts to remain this way... and I get angry each time I catch myself getting hurt by someone's betrayal after I've helped them.
It's just so fucking nonsensical.
Does anything which I just mentioned make sense? Am I weird? I don't even know why I bother to ask that anymore, I fucking KNOW I'm weird.
I have a problem. I'm a fucking masochist. I'm an idiot.
... or maybe, just deep down inside, woven tightly into the fabric of my being, I whole-heartedly believe in this (I first saw it attributed to Mother Teresa, and only just now read up on the actual story of the actual author):
ANYWAY
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of
selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful,
you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be
destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help
but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have
And you'll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.
... I just don't want others to be miserable-- the thought of anyone else feeling as horrible as me kills me. I'll do anything to get a smile out of them... even if in the end I'm the one who winds up shedding tears. And that's my truth.
Also during this time, I saw this guy (the dude for whom my sister moved to Chicago) for the second time in my life (first time I saw him was the same time Sister first saw him, which was back in September of 2010. I'm pretty sure there's an angsty post about that shit if I'd bother to check on here). I wouldn't necessarily call this Chicago trip "great," but it was pretty cool... more like educational... lots of prime people-watching was done (most of it bumming me the fuck out because I kept noticing how I AM the fucking anomaly of the group... actually, just a straight up anomaly of a human. I am totally not normal or average or typical. I'm one weird, odd case). Much, MUCH people-watching relating to romance was done. Hook ups and break ups and unreciprocated feelings were observed.
One thing in particular that irritated me was my sister's relationship with her guy. They had been in an argument where he had just dumped her a week earlier, but while I was with Sister, they were making up.
Things with Sister and her dude were good by the time I left the city.
Fast-forward to this weekend, which was a cousin's wedding to which my sister flew back home to attend with us.
Sister: Ugh. *Dude* is being a fucking asshole again... all fucking weird and moody... telling me not to talk to him because I offended him with a joke. I wish he were back to how he was when you were in Chicago. I'm mad at him now.
Me: I don't even want to hear it anymore. I'm mad at YOU for putting yourself through this again. How many times has he dumped you? You're an idiot for not moving on. You bring this onto yourself.
My self-righteous ass is one to talk. Here I am getting frustrated with my sister for her strong adherence to this dysfunctional relationship with a clearly damaged man... yet I have always been one to gravitate towards dysfunctionality as well. I only have to look back to that hell year that was 4th grade where my "friends" would beat my ass day in and day out to remember that I too participated in that strange behavior of staying put in an abusive relationship.
People show us they're not worth a shit, yet there we go again... back into the cycle of emotional abuse.
This brings me to my current frustration/drama with my godson. I am an absolute FOOL trying to act like this is the first time he shows his true colors. I remember a few years back he broke my heart when he did something to ruin my school/work plans by slighting me... something like that, I forgot the details of the situation because it was so upsetting to me. Point is, I KNEW the potential was there, I KNEW he was not loyal, I knew his word did not mean much... I KNEW he did not hold me in the same esteem. I had all these red flags, and FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE, and yet I still went ahead and steamrolled that shit... STILL taking him with me to Europe.
I damn this very fucking stupid trait of mine... this loyalty bullshit I acquire for someone who has helped me through a difficult time... this attachment and eternal gratitude I acquire for anyone who has taken the time to put a smile on my face. That fucking shit gets me in trouble... and yet I can't seem to kill this tendency.
Bad episodes of disillusionment put me in a predicament I hate. On one hand, I want to be much more ruthless, to cut out any tenderness in my heart so as to possess the ability to destroy someone with the same violence they used to destroy my faith in them. I want to be horrible and vindictive and HURT them where it counts... cause SO much fucking emotional damage to an outed ingrate, they'll have nightmares about me for the remainder of their life. I want to FUCK. THEM. UP.
ON THE OTHER hand, I want to remain... kind. I want to be the girl who remains... selfless and eternally grateful and at someone's service. I WANT to be that person... even when I know MANY of these people will see me as nothing more than an imbecile who deserves to be taken advantage of (I hate ending a sentence in a preposition, but fuck it). I want to remain the exception to the rule... the rule that even a good girl goes bad... that everyone has a breaking point. I want to prove someone out there can remain good-- dependable, sincerely fucking dependable... with zero ulterior motives aside from seeing YOU happy. Honestly. That's what I want, what I've always wanted. I want to help others be happy... even if it means I'm going to fucking pay for it at the end.
As furious as betrayal makes me... it comes nowhere near as strongly as the sense of fulfillment I get when I know I've helped someone out. But it fucking hurts to remain this way... and I get angry each time I catch myself getting hurt by someone's betrayal after I've helped them.
It's just so fucking nonsensical.
Does anything which I just mentioned make sense? Am I weird? I don't even know why I bother to ask that anymore, I fucking KNOW I'm weird.
I have a problem. I'm a fucking masochist. I'm an idiot.
... or maybe, just deep down inside, woven tightly into the fabric of my being, I whole-heartedly believe in this (I first saw it attributed to Mother Teresa, and only just now read up on the actual story of the actual author):
ANYWAY
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of
selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful,
you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be
destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help
but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have
And you'll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.
... I just don't want others to be miserable-- the thought of anyone else feeling as horrible as me kills me. I'll do anything to get a smile out of them... even if in the end I'm the one who winds up shedding tears. And that's my truth.
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