Sunday, December 31, 2017

bye 2017

Well, FUCK! Looks like this year takes the cake for least entries ever.

Unlike other years, it wasn't due to absolute trash happening in my life.
... Umm... maybe I should rephrase it to say crazy bullshit went down... but like, no deaths happened.

I have been incredibly busy, most of the time trying to remain level-headed... or keeping others calm.
That's right, my time has been consumed by ME calming OTHER people... ME... the girl who is tight-wound and neurotic... I have been given the role of... assuager (is that even a word?).

I've been keeping secrets... trying to stick to just myself... internalizing as much shit as possible. I've known this year was going to be like this since the end of January, but it was a task I took on willingly-- I needed to do it.

I've also stayed away from here because I didn't know how to approach what has been happening in my life.
I am both ridiculously happy-- to a level I never thought was meant for me-- but I have also seen some pretty dark days. I have been terrified, I have cried my eyes out for an entire night, I have shivered myself to sleep, I have laughed my ass off, I have helped raise a daughter.

So... it's so much... so damn much. I don't know where to start, what road to take, when it comes to telling what has gone down this year. I can't even tell it completely, because I'm still in the middle of some fucked up shit.

2017 had me doing shit I swore I would never do.
It slapped the fucking shit out of my very cynical ass. It made me believe... it frightened me into believing.
I'm in love. I have a lobster... he wasn't dead after all.
I have a beautiful love story, but as I've always suspected, it is full of... scary shit.
There isn't complete happiness. I adore my guy... he is the best part of me... he adores me, the problem isn't there. There are certain issues going on in our lives that... prove to be quite large to overcome. It's scary... it has me crying often... and it has me wondering just why the fuck the world is so hellbent in seeing little ol' me in pain.
And the pain I feel isn't because it's happening to me... it's strictly happening to my guy and his family... and that shit has me hurting almost every day. It drains me because I try my best to keep THEIR spirits up... because I want them to believe that there is good in this world and that they are deserving of happiness... of goodness... and the cynical/pessimist side of me eats away at me with the "Who are you kidding, Mother Theresa? YOU know the word fucking sucks... cut it out." But I'm stubborn, and if it's in my power, I go and help.

But enough cryptic shit. I'll lay it out for now.
What do I call 2017? The year of MY LOBSTER!
Guys... I married the love of my life. The guy who had been looking for me since he last saw me in seventh grade, found me at the ends of 2016, and refused to let me go.
I'm no longer an "AnoMALIE"... well, I am, but not in the way I always saw myself.
I'm not 'married, married" because I've been having issues with my church. I've been going back and forth with them since April, only to find out THEY lost BOTH my baptism papers and first communion papers... and it's been a shitshow trying to sort all of that.
But I do live with my man... and his thirteen year old daughter.
The year has been a year of adjusting-- poorly. I drive back and forth between his home in Arizona, and Vegas.
... SO MUCH could be said... and will be said, once this time crunch to beat the new year is over.

Did I love 2017? Yes. Did I hate 2017? Yes.
So where do I place this year? What outweighs the other?
I'll mark it as a yes.

And now I beg 2018 to please be kind... because there's a huge storm heading my way... and I'm petrified to face it. One tremendous hurdle was jumped clean 2017, but the next one is a motherfucking monster with potential to destroy my man.
2018... be good to me... make me smile.... make me believe. 

No comments: