Friday, April 7, 2017

It was meant for me

I was ready, convinced, to end it all the summer of 2015.
I planned the Eurotrip as a last hurrah.
... Let my eyes see Rome and Paris one last time...
What exactly made me hold on, I do not know... since the trip was a flop, considering the amount of times I found myself crying or publicly humiliated.

2016 served as a constant reminder of what a foolish, downright selfish deed suicide really is. So many friends and family endured horrible health tragedies, I spent most of 2016 feeling ashamed for my suicidal thoughts.
Then just as 2016 was pulverizing me with the possibility of losing my beloved aunt... my world was turned upside down by the sudden reappearance of an old... "boyfriend."
Facebook... fucking Facebook... I'm one of those now... someone who was found through the social media platform and... had her life changed.
November 2016 to now has been a whirlwind of motherfucking whirlwinds. I look back to old posts from years ago and wonder HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?!
I've been so happy... but simultaneously so fucking scared... it has made me completely forget what 2015 even felt like... I can't remember what "fog" feels like.

I've been keeping all of this to myself... the stories, the memories, the cute conversations, the heart-melting stares, the visits, the days, the nights... just everything... to myself. I've never done that before. I find myself feeling bad for keeping so much to myself... when my sister or brother or best friend hear something for the first time (like when my brother found out I had a boyfriend... and WHO he was, he was in absolute shock for DAYS) I feel like shit for having kept them in the dark for so long. I just... I'm so scared of losing it, of losing what I have... like I always do... in motherfucking spectacular fashion... I feel the moment I speak of something so wonderful, it will leave my grip and leave me in the worst spot I've ever been.
I'm at such a high... an all-time high... a spot I NEVER thought I'd reach, that I was convinced was NOT meant for me... I'm certain losing it will be the end of me... I will have no way to recover from it... no way.
I've had many moments where I've quietly been embracing him... and have caught my conscience thinking "So this is what it feels like... this... this is what it feels like for someone to be as madly in love with me as I am with them?... this is beautiful..."
And then the negativity infiltrates my mind, the fear creeps in.
How is this going to get ripped out of my hands? When is it going to be stripped away?

I love him, and he loves me. It is insane how synched we are... it's even more insane how silent I have been about it, and how damn near no one knows about this giant step in my life... how I've managed to remain completely silent about it until now.

My life is so different now... and it's only going to further depart from my norm.
I didn't think I was meant to feel like this... to be loved like this... it's... I can't think too much about it or else I cry.

1 comment:

Mooney said...

This fills my heart with joy!