Compounding Depression

I never thought depression could take on this intensity. 

So much bullshit compiling... postpartum, quarantine, seasonal... it has conglomerated in the strangest, most difficult manner I could have never imagined.
I think I'm coming out of it... I can joke now, and I also go outside and participate in living... but that is more of a recent thing.

I now stand firmer in my belief that depression never really leaves your body, it lies dormant, ready to pounce when given a chance (or just random as fuck when your brain chemistry says "Why the fuck not? Come along, little homie, I'll make room for you"). It has nearly succeeded in its intent three times this go around... this time what has made me stay is the thought that I'm still needed. I'm not sure what will happen once the feeling of being "needed" is gone... once the ones I think require my existence are finally capable of continuing without me.

I spend my days watching my kids play. I'll sit alone on my porch outside-- husband at work-- and cry most of the time... or I'll be cussing... or wondering how the fuck I got here... wondering why the universe gave my poor kids such a bad mom. Why the fuck was I given kids?
Did you ever think this would be you, five years ago?

I recently had my four year anniversary. My dude came up here to visit (ahhhh, yes, I'm once again with my parents because-- SURPRISE! my gallbladder has to be removed. I had a horrifying gallstone attack on Valentine's Day that lasted from 10pm until 5am. I was doubled over in pain, on my knees, because that was the only way I could breathe. I cried that entire nigh because no one could really help me... all the urgent cares were closed because I live in the BIGGEST FUCKING SHITVILLE in Arizona. I fucking DETEST that place. Anyway, turns out my gallstones are now super huge and I need the entire organ out since that's the only way you get rid of gallstones. Apparently I acquired mine because I gained too much weight way too fast, and proceeded to lose weight way too fast. Oh, and besides that, my two year old broke his leg in three places on the 7th and I had to rush to Vegas for him to see a specialist because the urgent care out in Arizona was ridiculously racist and abused my child. They manipulated the shit out of his leg and proceeded to tell me "I don't think he's broken because if he were, he wouldn't let me do all this to his leg" while my poor kid writhed, spit, and hissed in pain. They didn't want to run x rays on him but I begged for them to please just do it anyway. They sent me home-- 30 fucking minutes away, because again, Arizona's a fucking piece of shit place-- because "from what we observed, there doesn't appear to be a breakage anywhere," then called me back half an hour to tell me that "the tech checked out the x-rays, turns out he's actually fractured in his fibula and tibia. Bring him back so we can put a splint." I saw a specialist here in Vegas and he found a third fracture--the biggest-- in the middle of his tibia. Again, I fucking detest Arizona) and we "celebrated" by going to a restaurant. He would stare into my eyes lovingly while I was staring blankly. I'd snap out of my drift once I'd sense his eyes on me for too long.

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm not myself. I don't know who this new version of Me is. She doesn't like anything... everything makes her cry... she has so much anger and sadness in her heart, she hardly ever feels happiness.
My kids make me laugh a lot, I won't lie... they really are cool as fuck and hilarious. They exhaust the life out of me... and my oldest scares me a bit because sometimes I wonder if he's going to be a maniac due to his random thoughts that are too mature for his age (I prayed for an intelligent child, but this guy is too fucking smart and it's straight scary sometimes) and how intense his tantrums are... but I love the fucking shit out of them.

I just don't know who I am. And I'm unhappy. I cry a lot. The feeling of loneliness has returned (as opposed to my beloved solitude. Loneliness is a different lion... it's at 1999-2001 levels, but this time I don't have a Tyson to accompany me on my nights of quietly sitting outside as I stare at the stars and cry my eyes out. Now I have two kids that become frightened the moment they see Mami with any sign of sadness... I have to find a way to comfort myself).

It's crazy... now that I supposedly have so much unconditional love coming my way, I feel alone and foreign. I feel inadequate. 

I'm riding this bitch out... but it fucking sucks. I hope the sadness and confusion leaves soon enough... no one is having a good time.