Te Pertenece

This drama with the pigs I've been dealing with recently... you'd think I'd be able to keep my mind busy.

And it had been busy... I had been good... so very good.

I wouldn't think... I wouldn't... I wouldn't miss. I wouldn't wonder. I wouldn't daydream. 

I just lived.

But this time of year, it always has, and always will, resuscitate the ghosts I try to forget.

Halloween for AnoMALIE is owned by one person, and one person alone.

And so I remember him. He comes to mind. With everything that is associated with this holiday. At all hours of the day... mercilessly on the actual day.

I remember his smile, and his eyes when he smiles-- it's probably my favorite thing in the world. I think of... everything I've ever heard him say.

And I miss him.

Now I can even add missing how his hand feels on my waist.

I miss his sarcastic little comments... even miss seeing his nails painted black back in the day.

I had been good. I had been good at keeping any and all thoughts and memories of him locked. Any and all feelings for him subdued. Numb.

I hardly spent any time wondering what he might have done in the day... or if he had at all looked up at the stars at night... or if he even COULD see the stars at night that day. How many times did he smile? I wonder if anyone aggravated the fucking shit out of him today... How many jokes did he crack? How many times did he smile... ?

But not today. Today... this past week... the memory of him has been haunting... reminding me. I have caught myself thinking such thoughts... wondering such things as I go about my daily routine. I catch myself smiling when I think of his cute mannerism... his peculiar walk... and I catch myself frowning when I catch myself remembering all the things that made me like him... when I catch myself remembering him so fondly.

Here I am, being consumed by this... weird, stupid shit... and he's out there living a pretty damn cool life... with me not even being a motherfucking blip on the screen.

But alas... I don't care about this... about not being an afterthought in his world, while he is the main attraction, the star of my show.

Fact of the matter is, ever since I met him, this day belongs to that boy. That dark, alluring, intriguing, interesting, sarcastic, cynical boy I met nine years ago. The boy with the dark, curly hair, black nail polish... and sly, sometimes sardonic, smile.

And it makes me smile.