Yesterday I noticed I've reached the level of depression where I literally forget to speak.
As in, I do not know how to articulate... I cannot make sounds, and when I do, I'm surprised by them.
I haven't spent my days crying, like I do other times.
I'm just numb. Blank. Extremely forgetful... EXTREMELY.
I don't know what caused this current bout. Maybe it's the whole Chicago trip... maybe it's a very delayed--or perhaps escalating--reaction to being considered older than my brother... or just a whole negative combination of EVERYTHING... but the point is: I'm very much depressed... and not the "I'm a teenaged girl who just broke up with her boyfriend and I can't stop crying while I listen to these sad songs" type of depressed... but this numb depressed where I feel worthless as fuck... and so fucking... I don't know, I'm just NOT present. Not present at all. The only mental imagery I can think of using, but which describes it perfectly, is when you close your eyes, and just imagine a white background. Just a plain blank, white background. Nothingness.
How do you feel, AnoMALIE?
Like that ::points at white, bare wall of room::
But I'm not crying.
I'm sleeping 8 hours. I go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 7 in the morning.
I'm eating-- twice a day, but that's better than nothing.
I go to the gym and smile at my friends... answer questions.
I do my workouts with my mind on each movement, making my best effort not to hurt myself.
I come home and do not dwell on the past... or on anything.
I'm also not raging hard on anyone... or anything.
I just don't feel.
I just don't care.
I don't look forward to a damn fucking thing.
I'm just going through the movements. That's all. Just follow through with the motions of each day.
No thoughts.
No worries.
No feelings.
No dreams.
Blank.
Blank blank blank. Blank blank.
I hadn't felt the silent type of depressed in a minute.
It's inconvenient when you try to go about your day... talking to optometrists about your shitty right eye that can't stop watering like a sprinkler.
It's awkward... sitting there and trying to formulate a coherent sentence, trying to remind yourself of HOW to make sounds... pleasant sounds. Then jolting a little the moment you hear your own voice...
Jesus, do you have to be so loud, AnoMALIE? Tone-deaf-ass.
And now I have to be social. Tomorrow I must present myself in front of a couple of social circles and act "normal." I have to once again hold conversations with people... answer questions... NOT look like an awkward weirdo that makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I have to go about and act like I'm ok... like nothing bothers me... like everything makes me laugh... and like I fucking love life.
Life is WONDERFUL!
SMILE!
WOOOOO!
AWESOME!
THIS FOOD IS DOOOOOPE!
THIS MUSIC IS BOOOOOMB!
OH SHIT! I LOVE THAT CHANDELIER SONG, TOO!
GIMME MORE LIQUOR!
CUUUUUUPCAKES!
YOU'RE AWESOME!
OH YES! PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW FUCKING AMAZING OF A SHOW "SCANDAL" IS! I'D LOVE TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT! DRAMA? OH GIRL! I LOVE DRAMA!
OH SHIT! BABIES ARE AWESOME?! SHOW ME PHOTOS!
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE UNTIL YOU GAVE BIRTH? Heard of oxytocin levels? That's some good shit... or so I hear... my levels are low. BUT THAT'S TOO MUCH SCIENCE! FUUUUUCK SCIENCE! OH SHIT! YOU'RE GLUTEN-FREE? TELL ME ALL ABOUT THAT, PLEASE! I'VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT THAT BEFORE!
SMIIIILE!
ME? A BITCH?! OH NO! I'M JUST PAINFULLY SHY... and I've had to wrestle with severe depression for decades now... BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME! NOBODY LIKES HEARING SAD SHIT! THERE ARE KIDS HERE, THEY DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT!
BOYSSSSSS!
As in, I do not know how to articulate... I cannot make sounds, and when I do, I'm surprised by them.
I haven't spent my days crying, like I do other times.
I'm just numb. Blank. Extremely forgetful... EXTREMELY.
I don't know what caused this current bout. Maybe it's the whole Chicago trip... maybe it's a very delayed--or perhaps escalating--reaction to being considered older than my brother... or just a whole negative combination of EVERYTHING... but the point is: I'm very much depressed... and not the "I'm a teenaged girl who just broke up with her boyfriend and I can't stop crying while I listen to these sad songs" type of depressed... but this numb depressed where I feel worthless as fuck... and so fucking... I don't know, I'm just NOT present. Not present at all. The only mental imagery I can think of using, but which describes it perfectly, is when you close your eyes, and just imagine a white background. Just a plain blank, white background. Nothingness.
How do you feel, AnoMALIE?
Like that ::points at white, bare wall of room::
But I'm not crying.
I'm sleeping 8 hours. I go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 7 in the morning.
I'm eating-- twice a day, but that's better than nothing.
I go to the gym and smile at my friends... answer questions.
I do my workouts with my mind on each movement, making my best effort not to hurt myself.
I come home and do not dwell on the past... or on anything.
I'm also not raging hard on anyone... or anything.
I just don't feel.
I just don't care.
I don't look forward to a damn fucking thing.
I'm just going through the movements. That's all. Just follow through with the motions of each day.
No thoughts.
No worries.
No feelings.
No dreams.
Blank.
Blank blank blank. Blank blank.
I hadn't felt the silent type of depressed in a minute.
It's inconvenient when you try to go about your day... talking to optometrists about your shitty right eye that can't stop watering like a sprinkler.
It's awkward... sitting there and trying to formulate a coherent sentence, trying to remind yourself of HOW to make sounds... pleasant sounds. Then jolting a little the moment you hear your own voice...
Jesus, do you have to be so loud, AnoMALIE? Tone-deaf-ass.
And now I have to be social. Tomorrow I must present myself in front of a couple of social circles and act "normal." I have to once again hold conversations with people... answer questions... NOT look like an awkward weirdo that makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I have to go about and act like I'm ok... like nothing bothers me... like everything makes me laugh... and like I fucking love life.
Life is WONDERFUL!
SMILE!
WOOOOO!
AWESOME!
THIS FOOD IS DOOOOOPE!
THIS MUSIC IS BOOOOOMB!
OH SHIT! I LOVE THAT CHANDELIER SONG, TOO!
GIMME MORE LIQUOR!
CUUUUUUPCAKES!
YOU'RE AWESOME!
OH YES! PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW FUCKING AMAZING OF A SHOW "SCANDAL" IS! I'D LOVE TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT! DRAMA? OH GIRL! I LOVE DRAMA!
OH SHIT! BABIES ARE AWESOME?! SHOW ME PHOTOS!
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE UNTIL YOU GAVE BIRTH? Heard of oxytocin levels? That's some good shit... or so I hear... my levels are low. BUT THAT'S TOO MUCH SCIENCE! FUUUUUCK SCIENCE! OH SHIT! YOU'RE GLUTEN-FREE? TELL ME ALL ABOUT THAT, PLEASE! I'VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT THAT BEFORE!
SMIIIILE!
ME? A BITCH?! OH NO! I'M JUST PAINFULLY SHY... and I've had to wrestle with severe depression for decades now... BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME! NOBODY LIKES HEARING SAD SHIT! THERE ARE KIDS HERE, THEY DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT!
BOYSSSSSS!
GO AHEAD, STARE DOWN MY SHIRT! I HAVE TITTIES! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR!
Socializing isn't my thing.
Depression makes me forget everything... like communicating... in any form.
I trust I'll be better soon... maybe by the end of the month... maybe by then I'll find a couple of fucks to give.
Socializing isn't my thing.
Depression makes me forget everything... like communicating... in any form.
I trust I'll be better soon... maybe by the end of the month... maybe by then I'll find a couple of fucks to give.
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