Sunday, June 7, 2015

Draining vs energizing

Yesterday was one of the best days I've enjoyed in recent memory.

It's insane how some activities take me down to my lowest, whereas others take me to such calm... I wouldn't call it ecstasy, because I imagine being all hyper and stoked when I say "ecstasy", but yesterday I was serene and happy. Anything that helps me calm down and be mellow makes me happy.

Clubbing and bar hopping makes me miserable. Anything that requires I look sexually appealing to others makes me miserable. It drains the fucking shit out of me to have to dress to the nines, put on make up, and comb my hair... so as to have dudes think I'm some hot babe (which I've painfully learned that regardless of the degree of effort I may put into the activity, I just don't meet the standards. Ever. So... it's all fucking futile and fucking stupid). While I do drink, and will drink if that's what everyone in my company is doing, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy the taste, and I certainly don't like the feeling. And then there's the smoking... FUCK ME and my fucking life when I have to subject myself to that fucking pollution at my own free will. Might as well have me chill in a truck stop, positioned directly behind the exhaust pipe of the fucking trucks and just inhaling deeply. Same fucking shit to me... thought the exhaust pipe might give me the added benefit of a high... which would hopefully render me unconscious and put me out of the fucking misery of polluting my lungs (and it wouldn't fuck up my teeth... but I digress).
SO! This nightlife shit is not and has never been my jam. Apparently dudes pick up chicks in such scenario, but that has never happened to me, because as previously mentioned, I don't meet the standards... even when the men are piss drunk... although... some have hit on me when intoxicated out of their mind, which only leads to a very violent reaction from me. SO NO ONE WINS... but I lose big... especially my "feelings." Sure feels like fucking shit to see every girl in a pub or club get some sort of attention whereas I only get stared at with a shitton of disdain. It's fun, guys, motherfucking FUN!

Ok, so this sort of social interaction psychologically mind fucks the shit out of me... especially since people my age are supposed to enjoy said activity (clubbing/bar hopping... NOT psychologically damaging others. I hope no one gets a thrill out of that, 'cause that's fucked up).
My time at the bar or club is mostly spent getting sad over the fact that I find NO enjoyment in the activity, actually. Seeing your peers having a good time while all you want to do is repeatedly stab yourself in the chest is confusing as shit... obviously depressing.

But then you invite me to go hiking to the most remote area you know.
No, you're not going to kill me and leave me for the wild life to eat my remains... you just want to explore the terrain.
And FUCK! Am I happy! I'm... there.
Just like that puppy
A group of eight people and a dog, climbing a steep mountain. Climbing across boulders, jumping off hills, and crouching under low-lying tree branches (that sting like a motherfucker when they touch your skin). Sweat slowly-- then rapidly-- drenching my hair and clothes.
I get SO MUCH pleasure out of this.
Is this real life?
I will quietly smile to myself as I follow the group.
I guess I enjoy being part of a group, but not entirely forced to constantly interact. We're a group looking out for one another (lending a hand when one has too much difficulty to jump a particular gap or climb down a tall boulder), but still individuals to explore our surroundings. I fucking love it.
We're concentrated on our breathing and where we step, so there isn't much chatter. Then, upon reaching a flat location, we take a rest, and have a good laugh as we rehydrate and snack a bit.
It's fucking perfect.
Puppy lead me most of the time.
And then we reach a valley... grass up to our shoulders... wild flowers in full bloom. A gentle breeze blowing, and making stray hairs sway over my face.
Everyone scatters to examine whatever has caught their attention-- a tree stump, a daisy, a stone-- and I just look at the scenery... take it all in.
THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. THIS makes me happy. Jesus Christ. This feeds my motherfucking SOUL.
The wilderness, the fresh air... the company that still gives me SPACE. I'm part of a pack but I'm NOT FORCED to interact and that's fucking NORMAL.
THIS! I fucking LOVE THIS!

It's moments like that which will ALWAYS make me return to life even after my darkest moments. Knowing this is out there, and possible... makes me STAY... stay here-- not give into the very fucking dark thoughts that cloud my mind the majority of the time.
There's no pretentiousness... no mindless chatter... no fucking air pollution. I'm not trying to impress anyone, not trying to discuss some fucking obnoxious controversial topic, I'm not trying to find somebody to fuck... I'm just... I'm just alone, but not alone. I'm working out my body, but not competing with ANYbody.
Everyone's pace is respected... and... the laughs are so hearty and real.
No make up. Simple hair and clothes... and everyone's OK with it... NO ONE is judging. NO ONE is numbing some part of themselves with mood-altering shit.

That's life. THAT'S what makes me happy. That's what completes me. That's what I enjoy. That's what is real to me.
This deer MIGHT have been a dick...
Spent allllll motherfucking day hiking Parnitha, outside of Athens, where at the end of the hike, a herd of non-hostile deer greeted us.
Our way down provided by a funicular.
One could get used to that.
I was so calm and reenergized I even had a couple of beers with the gang afterward when we entered the city. Smelly and tired, we all took seats at a large table and ate South African meats... laughed about life... and shared stories of the most interesting kind (everyone at the table was interesting... but the most interesting to me was a special ops medic who gave me some of the kindest advice I've ever been given. Dude is 31 but has lived though so much... absolutely non-judgmental of where I am in life, but instead compassionate).
Hate to admit it was pretty tasty.
Motherfucking paradise.
I. Am. Full.
I. Am. Happy.

No comments: