I'm back... and sick as hell.
Yesterday enraged me so bad, I pretty much fell apart.
I have a case of nausea... no idea where it came from, either. Fucking shit has me all messed up since last night.
I also have a completely numb right leg, and feeling is just now returning to my right arm (my pinkie and ring finger on that hand are still completely numb).
My left tonsil has gone to shit, too.
Ugh.
Anyway, onward with the post... see if I can crank out something semi-coherent. (I have to take breaks every five minutes because I feel sick as shit after staring at the screen any time longer than that)
This trip was just what I needed.
I was alone... the right type of alone. I was given the perfect amount of space, and was excited to my appropriate level (not so high that the drop down was demoralizing, but not so low that it could be considered mediocre). I had my own room... but was free to join the party at any time I wished. The couples never pressured me to join their outings, and they never nagged to join me anywhere. I'd join excursions that piqued my interest, but I was also free to take off and walk along the beach with no company.
Best of all, I had zero connection to the outside world. I stayed off the internet with the exception of two hours-- the first one being... whatever day I last updated... and that only happened because I had to connect with my godson via FB messenger, and then towards the end, when I checked in for my return flight.
The internet really fucks me up... it forces me to be social, and that never ends well. I prefer to live in my own world, where I don't know what's going on and others don't know what is going on with me. I love being... lost. It's just me and my thoughts, zero interaction from others or influence from their ideas. I can be me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically me.
I'm not saying I dislike my friends, or that all the ideas they influence me on are bad (no! Many of them are awesome or so perfectly critical, I build upon them and become a better person), I just... I'm built to require absolute solitude for a while... to recharge. I bet I was some sort of hermit monk in a past life or some shit... because that NEED of mine I can't really explain. I just NEED to be completely closed off. And it's not like I meditate... I've tried that shit and I have zero patience for it-- I find it either too ridiculous to not bust out laughing, or I just get so irritated, I find myself frustrated and breaking shit within minutes.
I just sit there and take in my surroundings... I observe nature, people... everything... and this fills me. Something I've personally witnessed others having difficulty with--being alone and enjoying their alone time without fidgeting with their phone or trying to make small-talk with strangers-- fills me.
I sit quietly... I cry quietly... I smile to myself-- no one catching a glimpse of the smile or the frowns.
It's my paradise. When my physical surroundings match the state of my heart... it's when I'm at peace.
You are alone, AnoMALIE... you are literally alone... don't you feel good? Absolutely. It's the closest I'll ever get to being invisible... I've always wanted to be invisible, a total ghost.
Nothing feels worse than being alone in a crowded room. Nothing.
It's you I see, but you don't see me. It's you I hear, so loud and so clear. And you know how much I need you, but you never even see me, do you?
This life consumes me... social interaction drains me. Of course, I do love interacting with my friends and meeting new people... but the energy it takes from me, the toll it takes on me is still present. When my social interactions happen to be negative, well, that energy is drained out rapidly.
These last few months killed me. I was seriously running on empty. Quite honestly, I have no clue where I mustered the courage to step outside of my house by the end of August.
I never got into specifics, and I'm afraid I no longer will beyond this: I had not been so disrespected or betrayed like I was these last few months in a very, very long time. What beat me so badly was that I was completely blindsided by it all. I had no time to prep for the bullet. I hadn't been that destroyed in ages.
Then the awful news on the first day of this month sealed it for me. Seeing someone I've ever considered a friend suffer-- regardless of how badly they've hurt me-- is something I do not enjoy. I buckled down and... tried to console any way I could. And yes, even consoling takes away from me... it takes A LOT from me. Consoling the one person who trampled me the most this past year was something I never would have imagined I'd be willing to do. I don't drink-- I drank. I don't dance-- I danced. I don't sing-- I sang. Anything, if it meant getting a smile out of him during one of the most horrible moments of his life. Of course I would do it again... even if it means I'd once again wake up the next day feeling completely... done. Because when I tell you I have your back, I mean it.
I needed to retreat. I needed to disappear. I needed to seriously be a nobody-- it's the only way I know how to stop the free-fall into the abyss I'm always hurled into.
Back in grade school, we were made to play this game, where we had to come up with a descriptor that began with the first letter of our first name. I remember when my turn was up, this asshole kid in class screamed "Nobody No***!" and my classmates laughed.
"Nobody No***"... indeed.
My week of invisibility made that nickname tolerable... downright enjoyable.
Yesterday enraged me so bad, I pretty much fell apart.
I have a case of nausea... no idea where it came from, either. Fucking shit has me all messed up since last night.
I also have a completely numb right leg, and feeling is just now returning to my right arm (my pinkie and ring finger on that hand are still completely numb).
My left tonsil has gone to shit, too.
Ugh.
Anyway, onward with the post... see if I can crank out something semi-coherent. (I have to take breaks every five minutes because I feel sick as shit after staring at the screen any time longer than that)
This trip was just what I needed.
I was alone... the right type of alone. I was given the perfect amount of space, and was excited to my appropriate level (not so high that the drop down was demoralizing, but not so low that it could be considered mediocre). I had my own room... but was free to join the party at any time I wished. The couples never pressured me to join their outings, and they never nagged to join me anywhere. I'd join excursions that piqued my interest, but I was also free to take off and walk along the beach with no company.
Best of all, I had zero connection to the outside world. I stayed off the internet with the exception of two hours-- the first one being... whatever day I last updated... and that only happened because I had to connect with my godson via FB messenger, and then towards the end, when I checked in for my return flight.
The internet really fucks me up... it forces me to be social, and that never ends well. I prefer to live in my own world, where I don't know what's going on and others don't know what is going on with me. I love being... lost. It's just me and my thoughts, zero interaction from others or influence from their ideas. I can be me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically me.
I'm not saying I dislike my friends, or that all the ideas they influence me on are bad (no! Many of them are awesome or so perfectly critical, I build upon them and become a better person), I just... I'm built to require absolute solitude for a while... to recharge. I bet I was some sort of hermit monk in a past life or some shit... because that NEED of mine I can't really explain. I just NEED to be completely closed off. And it's not like I meditate... I've tried that shit and I have zero patience for it-- I find it either too ridiculous to not bust out laughing, or I just get so irritated, I find myself frustrated and breaking shit within minutes.
I just sit there and take in my surroundings... I observe nature, people... everything... and this fills me. Something I've personally witnessed others having difficulty with--being alone and enjoying their alone time without fidgeting with their phone or trying to make small-talk with strangers-- fills me.
I sit quietly... I cry quietly... I smile to myself-- no one catching a glimpse of the smile or the frowns.
It's my paradise. When my physical surroundings match the state of my heart... it's when I'm at peace.
You are alone, AnoMALIE... you are literally alone... don't you feel good? Absolutely. It's the closest I'll ever get to being invisible... I've always wanted to be invisible, a total ghost.
Nothing feels worse than being alone in a crowded room. Nothing.
It's you I see, but you don't see me. It's you I hear, so loud and so clear. And you know how much I need you, but you never even see me, do you?
This life consumes me... social interaction drains me. Of course, I do love interacting with my friends and meeting new people... but the energy it takes from me, the toll it takes on me is still present. When my social interactions happen to be negative, well, that energy is drained out rapidly.
These last few months killed me. I was seriously running on empty. Quite honestly, I have no clue where I mustered the courage to step outside of my house by the end of August.
I never got into specifics, and I'm afraid I no longer will beyond this: I had not been so disrespected or betrayed like I was these last few months in a very, very long time. What beat me so badly was that I was completely blindsided by it all. I had no time to prep for the bullet. I hadn't been that destroyed in ages.
Then the awful news on the first day of this month sealed it for me. Seeing someone I've ever considered a friend suffer-- regardless of how badly they've hurt me-- is something I do not enjoy. I buckled down and... tried to console any way I could. And yes, even consoling takes away from me... it takes A LOT from me. Consoling the one person who trampled me the most this past year was something I never would have imagined I'd be willing to do. I don't drink-- I drank. I don't dance-- I danced. I don't sing-- I sang. Anything, if it meant getting a smile out of him during one of the most horrible moments of his life. Of course I would do it again... even if it means I'd once again wake up the next day feeling completely... done. Because when I tell you I have your back, I mean it.
I needed to retreat. I needed to disappear. I needed to seriously be a nobody-- it's the only way I know how to stop the free-fall into the abyss I'm always hurled into.
Back in grade school, we were made to play this game, where we had to come up with a descriptor that began with the first letter of our first name. I remember when my turn was up, this asshole kid in class screamed "Nobody No***!" and my classmates laughed.
"Nobody No***"... indeed.
My week of invisibility made that nickname tolerable... downright enjoyable.
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