you DON'T?

(Dad  introduced me to his friend Sunday night, as I played Wii with MGH)
Dad: This is my daughter, AnoMALIE.
Me: Nice to meet you.
Dad: And this is MGH, a friend of the family... but he's more like a son.

(At the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. I'm directing MGH as I attempt to snap a decent photo of him)
Stranger: Go stand over there with him. I'll take a photo of you two together.
Me: No, just him.
Stranger: What, you don't like him?

MGH hung out with me this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
I had him to myself.
He did not get drunk.
He did not flirt with girls.
He did not stay out all night long.
He had family dinner with me.
He played hours of Wii with me.

I wanted to jump off the highway overpass a couple of times. Yes, he was driving me insane, but not in his usual way (immaturity, instability, etc).
I wanted to die because he was so damn perfect, and I couldn't... he wasn't... he ISN'T mine.
I loved the time spent with him... I was in heaven after any word he spoke. I listened to him lecture me on roulette, for fucks sake!
And I maintained eye-contact with him as often as possible... not the creepy kind... but the "my... you have big pupils!" kind.

We both had sad eyes.
I was sad because I knew it was impossible... he looked sad because he felt sorry for me.

This weekend felt so good... but cut me so deeply.

Someone please tear out my heart already... I want to be funny!

mo to the ron

Saturday afternoon, cell rings, caller ID says it's MGH's grandma's house.

MGH: So I want to go to Vegas the weekend of the 1st to the 3rd of May... will you be there?
Me: Yes.
MGH: So... I can... book my flight and... stay at your place?
Me: (internally) Are you fucking CRAZY?! (spoken) Of course! You just book your shit and give me the time and place and I'll be there. Whatever you need, don't even worry about it!

I am now planning a 21st birthday celebration for a boy... with a girlfriend... that is NOT me.
Why the FUCK am I so damn stupid around this boy? Fuck, fuck, fuck, man!

I had been doing GREAT before this... laughing, smiling, studying... and he worked his way into my life again... posting his little poker-related comments, texting me... and SNAP! In less than 2 weeks, he caught me.

I'm a fucking moron.

Mackie Mac

It has been a minute since I last wrote.
ADD at its best.
Although... I do have a very justifiable excuse: my laptop died.
I'm not entirely sure what occurred, it just didn't want to turn on any more. While various resuscitation attempts were made, and I refused to accept the fact that it was dead (each day I'd plug it in and wishfully stare at the computer, hoping to see that little blue ring light up where the extension chord and computer meet. However, my wishes were never granted), I had to accept that my days of adventure with Mr. HPPC were quite simply over.

So I purchased a new laptop.
I went drastic and decided PC would never hurt my heart again, and traded for a Mac.
Now, I'll be the first to admit I don't know what the fuck it is that I'm doing, but I also know it's fun... and the thing itself is absolutely stunning.
So, I have a mac. And I love it.

Let's hope I do more on it than only play poker.

Crap

My dad's side of the family is very into diet fads.
They'll do anything to lose weight... anything but eat right and exercise.

About a week ago, they approached my quite excitedly. Apparently, an acquaintance lost 37 pounds in a month taking some "magical pills."
They wanted to know if I was interested in taking such pills... especially since the entire family (more like, both of my dad's sisters and their families) was on board (another acquaintance got them prescriptions and they were willing to dish out as many prescriptions as "necessary").
I, of course, turned the offer down... I don't play with that shit. And prescription diet pills? PASS... that shit's for the morbidly obese who need help with the initial steps of dropping weight... and you should really get checked out by a doc before ingesting something like that.

Fast forward to yesterday.
One of my cousins works for my dad. Work for him consists of sitting on a chair, waiting for buses to pull up to the diesel pump, he then approves the transaction, once the driver walks into the building my cousin asks for the driver's signature, and he then gives him a copy of his receipt. Basically, his job consists of SITTING.

My cousin has been morbidly obese since his middle school years, when their family doctor threatened my aunt with legal action if she didn't get her son on a proper diet and exercise program. Upon hearing about these magic pills, he jumped on the idea. His entire family did.

Apparently (I didn't witness this, I was told the story by my father last night, as he was nearly pissing his pants from laughing so hard), Dad's brother-in-law (obese cousin's dad) was at work yesterday afternoon... my dad's work.

Dad: Hey, what's up?
Uncle: Just dropping by... checking on my son... making sure everything's going ok.
Dad: Those pills workin' well for you guys?
Uncle: Oh man... TOO well... you gotta watch out with those those things. You can't even fart in peace...
Dad: Why?
Uncle: Just the simplest movement can trigger... well... you know... shit.
Dad: What?? As in... shitting your pants, shit?
Uncle: Yes!

(Dad looks at my cousin, cousin nods with a smirk on his face)

Uncle: Yesterday I shit my pants thinking I was only farting!

(all three guys laugh... then my cousin stands still... with a worried look on his face)

Dad: You just shit your pants, didn't you?

(Cousin nods)

Uncle: Fuck... I'll be back... gotta bring the diaper bag from home.
Dad: Gotta bring him underwear?

(Uncle nods... then they both burst into laughter)

Dad proceeds to tell me, in the middle of dry heaves from laughing so hard, how my cousin looked with his shitted pants.
Dad: I was so concerned with where he was standing... making sure there wasn't any shit lying around for others to see. He just stood there, frozen... not wanting to put his legs together... his eyes like a deer caught in headlights.

(Uncle comes back with fresh underwear for my cousin, and new pants)

Dad: Well, let's forget about me ever taking those pills... that would be a disaster! I drive a semi!

(All three laugh... then my uncle stands still)

Uncle: Fuck... I gotta go.
Dad: You just shit your pants?

(uncle nods)

Dad: Yeah... fuck those pills.

It was like a real-life episode of Terrence and Philip...
but fuck me if I wasn't laughing!

Going

"Remember... Elvis didn't go to the crowds, the crowds came to Elvis. Girls don't go to the boys... the boys will come looking for the girls."

I went for academic advice, but apparently "heartbreak" is written across my face.

Advice appreciated, however. The person dishing it I've unofficially adopted as my new grandfather.
He makes me happy :)

I'm going back to school... and that makes me SO damn happy!

Bluh-duh

(Mom, Sis, and I are sitting at the table drinking tea. I look down at my mug as I drink)
Me: Ah, man, what the fuck?! Why does my cup have blood all over it?

(what appears to be blood drops run down a side of the mug as well as the inside rim, and handle. Not huge drops, ok, the one on the side is a long smear, but the other ones are small ovals)

Mom: It's not blood...
Me: Uh... didn't you guys have steak for dinner tonight? And this fucking mug was sitting in the "dry" side of the sink. Shit... this is why I HATE having the dishes sitting out there as you guys make dinner... a bloody fucking dinner! You guys just splatter that shit everywhere.
Mom: Oh... well... yeah... we made steak...
Me: Let me guess, Dad prepared it? He's such an animal...
Sister: No! There was also an empty wine bottle turned upside down in the dish rack... I bet it's wine!
Me: No, this shit looks like blood!
Sister: You know, there's only one way to settle this!

(Sister grabs mug, and proceeds to lick the long smear of blood)

Sister: ... yeah... ok... it is blood.

And I'm the one with the parasitic infection...

Breaks

I drive a Toyota...
is it mean of me to mess around with other drivers and act like I can't control my car's breaks?

I'm a ray of motherfucking sunshine!!!