Crap

My dad's side of the family is very into diet fads.
They'll do anything to lose weight... anything but eat right and exercise.

About a week ago, they approached my quite excitedly. Apparently, an acquaintance lost 37 pounds in a month taking some "magical pills."
They wanted to know if I was interested in taking such pills... especially since the entire family (more like, both of my dad's sisters and their families) was on board (another acquaintance got them prescriptions and they were willing to dish out as many prescriptions as "necessary").
I, of course, turned the offer down... I don't play with that shit. And prescription diet pills? PASS... that shit's for the morbidly obese who need help with the initial steps of dropping weight... and you should really get checked out by a doc before ingesting something like that.

Fast forward to yesterday.
One of my cousins works for my dad. Work for him consists of sitting on a chair, waiting for buses to pull up to the diesel pump, he then approves the transaction, once the driver walks into the building my cousin asks for the driver's signature, and he then gives him a copy of his receipt. Basically, his job consists of SITTING.

My cousin has been morbidly obese since his middle school years, when their family doctor threatened my aunt with legal action if she didn't get her son on a proper diet and exercise program. Upon hearing about these magic pills, he jumped on the idea. His entire family did.

Apparently (I didn't witness this, I was told the story by my father last night, as he was nearly pissing his pants from laughing so hard), Dad's brother-in-law (obese cousin's dad) was at work yesterday afternoon... my dad's work.

Dad: Hey, what's up?
Uncle: Just dropping by... checking on my son... making sure everything's going ok.
Dad: Those pills workin' well for you guys?
Uncle: Oh man... TOO well... you gotta watch out with those those things. You can't even fart in peace...
Dad: Why?
Uncle: Just the simplest movement can trigger... well... you know... shit.
Dad: What?? As in... shitting your pants, shit?
Uncle: Yes!

(Dad looks at my cousin, cousin nods with a smirk on his face)

Uncle: Yesterday I shit my pants thinking I was only farting!

(all three guys laugh... then my cousin stands still... with a worried look on his face)

Dad: You just shit your pants, didn't you?

(Cousin nods)

Uncle: Fuck... I'll be back... gotta bring the diaper bag from home.
Dad: Gotta bring him underwear?

(Uncle nods... then they both burst into laughter)

Dad proceeds to tell me, in the middle of dry heaves from laughing so hard, how my cousin looked with his shitted pants.
Dad: I was so concerned with where he was standing... making sure there wasn't any shit lying around for others to see. He just stood there, frozen... not wanting to put his legs together... his eyes like a deer caught in headlights.

(Uncle comes back with fresh underwear for my cousin, and new pants)

Dad: Well, let's forget about me ever taking those pills... that would be a disaster! I drive a semi!

(All three laugh... then my uncle stands still)

Uncle: Fuck... I gotta go.
Dad: You just shit your pants?

(uncle nods)

Dad: Yeah... fuck those pills.

It was like a real-life episode of Terrence and Philip...
but fuck me if I wasn't laughing!