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Discussing my relationship issues with a guy... that's fun.
I don't normally discuss relationships with others, especially not men... and I especially don't often have men ASK to hear details about my relationship issues. It's weird.
Discussions normally go:
Dude: You single?
Me: Yep.
Dude: Aight, cool. Wanna chill?
Me: Sure.
Ten minutes later, dude tries to touch me.
Me: What the fuck are you doing?
Dude: You're single, what's your problem?
Me: Don't touch me, that's my problem.
Dude: Dyke.
Me: Fuck you.
Dude: You ain't even cute. Fatass.

I feel horrible when I find out a dude likes me... even worse when I learn that after letting him know that I don't do relationships, and that I'm really one really fucked up chick, they still harbor the crush... or whatever I can call that weird attraction they have. I feel bad because I know their crush is not going to take them anywhere, only down a road that will end in their hatred/resentment of me.

I feel like a freak because of the way my heart works. It seems it's terribly uncommon to like people the way I do... it makes me feel crazy, actually.
Is it normal for someone to like one person... well, to only feel with one person? One person for a very extended period of time? And that when you realize this feeling for the guy will never be reciprocated, instead of looking for someone who will make you forget... or almost match your feeling for the one who scorned you... you just feel yourself go numb? I'm talking... absolute numbness... where you feel absolutely NOTHING for anyone... where in the place in your mind where everything was bright and chirpy and hopeful, it's all just this huge blank... absolute darkness, where you don't have happiness or sadness, just... nothing.
There's no desire, no need... no hope, no... no memory... no idea of what it's all supposed to be like.

I've been entertaining Mario this weekend. He's in town for the famous tournament that's in town... of the addictive activity I had to quit a few year back...
He came to town on his own, and knows no one, and since we've agreed we're adopted family, I took him in.
It's been a chill time. We've really just hung out in his room, chatting about life. He tells me his future plans for his career and love life... he even discussed his past relationship.
M: Guess who told me to say hi to you! You're going to laugh!
Me: Ummm... is it a guy?
M: It's a girl. A blond girl...
Me: Your ex?
M: Yeah! Can you believe that? I told her I would, but that you were going to burst out laughing.
Me: Why would I burst out laughing?
M: Because it's Heather!
Me: So? We're friends in real life...
M: Come on... we all know you don't really like her... you were only nice to her to not make things awkward for me... because you...
Me: No, I really like her as a person. She's great. And I'm glad she thought of me.
M: You know she only said that to piss me off, right? Come on... everyone knows you...
Me: No. You're my brother.

I have moments where I just admire him as he irons his clothes... or brushes his teeth... or reads his email... or answers a text... or even switches the television channels.
I love this kid... I know his mannerism... his quirks... I can predict his movements... but I'm not in love with him.
I loved this kid for so long... I was so in love with him... and now, I search for the feeling... and it's like it never existed.
You know what does exist? The particular pang of pain (writing the alliteration killed me more than it killed you to read it) his rejection inflicted. That feeling is still there, raw as ever.
When he hugs me, it's tight... but it... it's so fucking apologetic... it hurts.
Yesterday, as we walked through the poker tables, smiling and laughing as we people watched, our hands bumped into each other. I quickly apologized, but he, instead of removing his hand, grabbed my hand. I turned to look at him as he stood to my right. I smiled, and did not remove my hand.
M: Walk behind girls. People will always make way for girls.
Me: ... you do understand I AM a girl, right?
M: I meant sluts. You're too polite and get manhandled easily... let me show you how it's done.

As he walked me through the crowds of tourists, all I could think of was how badly I wanted a tiny gesture of this nature five years ago. Now, it just feels like... a guide, you know, what it really is. It's not a man shielding the woman he loves... a man showing society his concern for this particular woman... it was just a friend making sure his idiot shy friend wouldn't get trampled by the glittery hoes decked out in six inch heels.
My heart wasn't fluttering, my cheeks weren't flushing... I was just quietly following my friend who wanted to exit a casino. I was following like a lost little girl follows a store employee in a department store.

The moment I got home, I broke down into violent sobs.
I don't feel anything... I don't... I don't have anyone. I don't love anyone. I don't feel anything.

I never thought being numb would be so damn terrifying.