Going to Mexico gives me the best opportunity to step back and analyze my life.
The best soothing effect.
I'm alone in Mexico, but it's a different type of loneliness... it's a good kind of loneliness... a comforting sort of loneliness.
It feels warm... golds, reds, and oranges... sunlight... if that makes sense.
Feeling lonely in the States is different... it's horrible. It's cold. It's blue and black... a world of shadows.
In Mexico, it's absolutely normal to be alone. People will see you walking by yourself... hanging out by the river on your own, and won't question it. They'll look at you, smile, greet you, and if you allow them, they keep you company for as long as you'd like. They are also perfectly fine with leaving you alone if that's your wish.
I guess this type of alone is "warm" because despite being on your own, you're still surrounded by creatures--not just humans-- intrigued by you. I don't know how to better describe it. You're not just another faceless lump in the crowd... they think you're interesting, but respect the fact that you'd rather be on your own for a bit... and they don't think you're crazy for it... they don't FORCE you to be social.
Here in the states, they tag you a loner, a negative connotation. Many times, the people in my surroundings get ANGRY because I want to be alone... because I don't want to text or talk or even have my phone anywhere near me. This, in turn, only makes ME aggressive.
CAN'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE?! Can you go out and do something that doesn't require my input or presence? NO, I'm NOT angry, NO I'm not being passive aggressive with you... I just WANT TO BE ALONE... unreachable. I do things on my time... because I'm a broken girl... give me a minute to piece myself together.
In hopes of alleviating the angry friend, I will pretty much be bullied into calling/texting back... which never fully makes the friend happy, and only builds resentment in me. It's never a winning combo.
I'm not saying I'm ALWAYS pissed about my friends calling and texting... I enjoy that shit like normal people, too. I just get really frustrated when I show clear signs of wanting to be left alone (say you text me at 5 in the afternoon and I don't text back within two hours. I'm PROBABLY busy... and if it goes longer than 2 hours, it probably means I'm in a mood that requires I not socialize... because all you'll get is some overly aggressive shit, or some disturbingly depressing shit. Do any of us want that? Nah, man! Unless you hate me and enjoy my pain for some reason).
It's exhausting to be my friend, I bet, but it's also why I love the people in my life... because, for the most part, they understand.
I just need to recharge every few months in order to give others the best of me... because when I'm good, I'm fucking rad. I'm playful... so very playful when I'm happy. I'm convinced that's my natural state, however, it is too often weathered down to nearly non-existence with the passage of time. I run and jump and tickle and hide... and moreover, I allow others to be the same way with me (I'm a total curmudgeon when I'm running on empty. Even the laughter of children irritates me). I laugh and giggle and randomly smile all over the place. I hug people. I listen to others with the attention they deserve when I'm recharged-- EVERYONE wins.
Anyway, I enjoyed plenty of time to myself out in Mexico. I was free to walk around and admire nature, listen to it... bask in the sun, run in the rain. I also had the chance to socialize when in the mood-- which was just the correct amount to neither be overwhelmed by the demand, nor depressed by absence of people. It was all just right. Shit, I even had a couple of dudes crushing on me-- all at least four years my juniors (that cougar shit is real. I've embraced it. Whatever, man. It's just what's in my draw. Unpopular in my teens/early20's, babe in my late 20's+. I'm being facetious-- I'm not a babe, I'm a nerdy mouse. Probably explains why I make these guys "crush" on me all bashfully instead of inspiring passion like vixens do... I make boys CRUSH sheepishly like nerdy grade-schoolers). But that right there is an entirely different entry, because (of course) shit went down after I said I had no interest in finding a guy.
It feels warm... golds, reds, and oranges... sunlight... if that makes sense.
Feeling lonely in the States is different... it's horrible. It's cold. It's blue and black... a world of shadows.
In Mexico, it's absolutely normal to be alone. People will see you walking by yourself... hanging out by the river on your own, and won't question it. They'll look at you, smile, greet you, and if you allow them, they keep you company for as long as you'd like. They are also perfectly fine with leaving you alone if that's your wish.
I guess this type of alone is "warm" because despite being on your own, you're still surrounded by creatures--not just humans-- intrigued by you. I don't know how to better describe it. You're not just another faceless lump in the crowd... they think you're interesting, but respect the fact that you'd rather be on your own for a bit... and they don't think you're crazy for it... they don't FORCE you to be social.
Here in the states, they tag you a loner, a negative connotation. Many times, the people in my surroundings get ANGRY because I want to be alone... because I don't want to text or talk or even have my phone anywhere near me. This, in turn, only makes ME aggressive.
CAN'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE?! Can you go out and do something that doesn't require my input or presence? NO, I'm NOT angry, NO I'm not being passive aggressive with you... I just WANT TO BE ALONE... unreachable. I do things on my time... because I'm a broken girl... give me a minute to piece myself together.
In hopes of alleviating the angry friend, I will pretty much be bullied into calling/texting back... which never fully makes the friend happy, and only builds resentment in me. It's never a winning combo.
I'm not saying I'm ALWAYS pissed about my friends calling and texting... I enjoy that shit like normal people, too. I just get really frustrated when I show clear signs of wanting to be left alone (say you text me at 5 in the afternoon and I don't text back within two hours. I'm PROBABLY busy... and if it goes longer than 2 hours, it probably means I'm in a mood that requires I not socialize... because all you'll get is some overly aggressive shit, or some disturbingly depressing shit. Do any of us want that? Nah, man! Unless you hate me and enjoy my pain for some reason).
It's exhausting to be my friend, I bet, but it's also why I love the people in my life... because, for the most part, they understand.
I just need to recharge every few months in order to give others the best of me... because when I'm good, I'm fucking rad. I'm playful... so very playful when I'm happy. I'm convinced that's my natural state, however, it is too often weathered down to nearly non-existence with the passage of time. I run and jump and tickle and hide... and moreover, I allow others to be the same way with me (I'm a total curmudgeon when I'm running on empty. Even the laughter of children irritates me). I laugh and giggle and randomly smile all over the place. I hug people. I listen to others with the attention they deserve when I'm recharged-- EVERYONE wins.
Anyway, I enjoyed plenty of time to myself out in Mexico. I was free to walk around and admire nature, listen to it... bask in the sun, run in the rain. I also had the chance to socialize when in the mood-- which was just the correct amount to neither be overwhelmed by the demand, nor depressed by absence of people. It was all just right. Shit, I even had a couple of dudes crushing on me-- all at least four years my juniors (that cougar shit is real. I've embraced it. Whatever, man. It's just what's in my draw. Unpopular in my teens/early20's, babe in my late 20's+. I'm being facetious-- I'm not a babe, I'm a nerdy mouse. Probably explains why I make these guys "crush" on me all bashfully instead of inspiring passion like vixens do... I make boys CRUSH sheepishly like nerdy grade-schoolers). But that right there is an entirely different entry, because (of course) shit went down after I said I had no interest in finding a guy.
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