Monday, February 23, 2015

Horse doodle

Yesterday I attended a friend's babyshower (the couple whose wedding I was in back in December of '13).
I'm actively trying to dig myself out of the horrible, mean-ass depression I've fallen victim to these past... almost three months... so attending this social function was a must.

This party, as predicted by the pessimist in me, drained me. I ended up sleeping for twelve hours last night... after crying myself to sleep, of course.
This shit sucks, man.
I can't really pin-point what it was... but... I get so tired trying to act as though everything is ok. I'd catch myself at the party spacing out, usually with some innocent bystander observing me with a worried look on their face.
The party started out fun, in a way I had never experienced before-- we were given crayons and a sheet of paper, and asked to draw an animal or fruit or some other object for the letter given on the sheet of paper. There was a sheet for every letter of the alphabet, so after everyone was done with their work, the sheets would be put in order and made into an alphabet book for the baby.
This, of course, cheered me the fuck up, since I have a tendency to doodle in the first place when I'm in a social setting, just to calm my nerves. Give me paper and crayons so I can doodle ON PURPOSE? Well FUCK! No need to ask me twice! Give me five different letters if you want!
What letter was I given? H.
H... as in HORSE.
So, there I sat at my table with my mother and some other ladies, and doodled my heart out... for an hour. Because FUCK talking to people.

As I doodled away, my cousin/friend sat next to me with her 23-month-old. This child was smitten with me despite having only met me that day. She refused to stop crying unless I held her, and she refused to eat unless I held her. She'd mumble weird baby talk, and then shoot me the craziest, most hilarious looks, waiting for my reply (which was always "... oh yeah?" This was always acceptable to her). It was odd. And heart warming. I tell you, kids sense the fear I have of them and purposely gun for me.
So this baby was cool... her mom? Well, she was ok. She kept throwing shade, in her usual manner. She kept taking jabs at my appearance (kept staring at the four gray hairs I have on my bangs... my hair part, my nose... I could just feel an aneurism coming on from the pent up aggravation this was causing me), my single status, my unemployed status... typical shit.

Anyway, after enough frustrating exchanges with this mean girl, I went back to my doodling.
Once I felt the horse was sufficiently colored (the crayons were not Crayola... and so... it was a pain in the ass to get it to stay on the paper), I decided to turn it in to the celebrated lovely couple. This was a mistake. The area was packed with people, and instead of retreating to my seat like my brain told me to do (and just wait for the people to leave), I decided it was going to look stupider if I would sit back down... so I kept walking towards the area.

The look people give me when they learn/realize I'm good at something breaks my heart. The look of... surprise and... how excited they are to see I'm genuinely good at something makes me sad.
... it makes me feel like a loser.
"*GIRL*, I'm sorry, but AnoMALIE just beat you."
There they were, a group of seven women and three men gushing over my horse doodle... and all I could do was stand quietly, avoiding eye-contact because their look of... surprise with my skill was bumming me the fuck out.
"She's actually GOOD at something?" That's what I feel goes through their mind, so I'm shitty at handling the attention because I'm too busy trying not to cry.

I should have taken a photo of the horse so I could have proof that it really wasn't much... but meh, just take my word for it, it wasn't much.
Nothing I do really is.

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