No tengo dinero

Me: Did you hear?! *Brother* got the consulate job in South Africa!
Mom: Really?! Thank you, God! Mijo's really blessed! I always ask God to grant every one of your desires... as long as they're good for you, and he always hears my prayers!
Me: You ask for that?
Mom: Yeah. As long as it's good for you. If it doesn't come, it means it was never going to serve you any good, and I'd rather God not grant it for you. Like with you, baby, you haven't had your wishes come true because it's not meant to be... yet. You'll get the millions you want... soon... once it's good for you.
Me: You think that's my biggest wish?!
Mom: It's not?

I can't help but feel a bit worried when my mother suspects money to be the top priority in my life.

FYI- My biggest wish is to visit as many countries as possible. I want to see the world... meet its people... and write about it. I WANT TO WRITE!
That is my biggest wish.

You weren't happy?!

Dad is still in Mexico... he's getting some wack ideas while over there, and I think it's about time he comes back. Take for example, this conversation he had over the phone with Mom:

Dad: So I was looking through our wedding album today...
Mom: Yeah?
Dad: You don't look happy. WHY don't you look happy?!
Mom: Because I wasn't.
Dad: How can you say that?!
Mom: I don't know. I mean, I was losing my freedom. How can anyone be happy about losing their freedom?
Dad: You weren't happy to be marrying me?!
Mom: I wasn't happy about losing my freedom, that's all.
Dad: (silence)
Mom: Man, you're gonna bring this shit up after 27 years of marriage? Come the fuck on!
Dad: Well, it's only now that I noticed how upset you looked!
Mom: You think I'd stay with someone I hated for 27 years?? Oh, shut up!

Mom was laughing about the conversation at first... then it quickly progressed to anger... then she just rolled her eyes and said what we all were thinking:

Ridiculous! Get your self away from those losers and back home, jackass!!

40+ NOT welcome

Operation "I'm Happy!" is in full swing, and so far, so good.
I did have a minor relapse on Thursday, however, it was only because I had to go to a funeral.

Now that I mention the funeral, let me just put this out there:

If you're over 40 years old and your highest level of education reached is below high school: DON'T YOU DARE holler at me.

I was standing next to Mom and TravelinDin as Mom gave her condolences to the son of the dead lady, when the guy next to him spoke up.
Creepy Guy (totally in his 40's, he was the only man NOT wearing a suit. Fuckin' bumming it with a hoodie): *Mom* is that you?!
Mom: Yes, it's me *Creepy Guy*
CG: Well, don't just stand there, hug me!

(sis and I stare at each other, and decide to start walking away)

CG: And who are these beauties?
Mom: Them? They're my daughters.
CG: Very gorgeous girls! Beautiful! Amazing! Gorgeousss!

(Stupid ass TravelinDin's head was in the clouds or some shit, as she stood in my way, impeding me from rushing out of the building and getting the fuck away from that creep)

Mom: Well, you're telling me. They're my daughters, of course I'm going to agree.

(Mom starts walking away and DUMB SHIT sister wasn't moving! I was getting ready to punch her)

CG: Hey, Mom (he said it in Spanish, the equivalent of "mother-in-law")!
Other dude standing by: Shhh! Shut up, idiot.

I wanted to vomit. It didn't help that the little fiasco occurred inside the chapel, at a very audible volume.
Fucking crazy bastard. I don't know what about me screams "Don't have a job/tact/future? Holler at me! I'll take you!" But... if that type of dude is my only hope for marriage, then God, please kill me! I'll slit my own throat if that's what I have to look forward to. No.

Aside from this uncomfortable encounter, I did bump into the girls involved in the Bellagio Weekend Fight. Instead of ignoring them or downright fighting them, I decided to mend fences. I hugged them and chatted for about 20 minutes, then went on my merry way.

Being nice is... nice.
:)

Come back!

So my dad stayed in Mexico after we left.

I haven't had comfortable sleep the entire time I've been back. I keep having nightmares, and I nearly freak out each time the phone rings. I'm terrified that one day we'll get a phone call asking for ransom (we've gotten one before, and it was so bizarre... also quite infuriating).
I guess while we were in Mexico, the narcos let out some sort of press release (ha! ok, whatever) saying they were now going to abduct civilians and not just public officials like the poor dude they last abducted and killed (really close to my neck of the woods in Mexico, nonetheless. Jesus).

I wasn't scared while IN Mexico... I actually sort of wanted to come back various times during 2010 to celebrate Mexico's bicentennial. I had plans, damn it!

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: this shit ANGERS me. The speed with which my little wonderland, my little piece of heaven, turned into a hell pit is astonishing. And why we let it happen is beyond me. It's like having an all-out drug war here in the U.S. with the biggest headache being found in some tiny town in... not Alaska, because it's not part of the continental U.S., but let's say Wyoming.

God, I can't wait until my dad gets back.

No need to read.

Ok, so part of my resolution is to go back to writing more often on this thing, at times other than when I'm feeling depressed out of my mind (like at 3 AM. Even I ask myself wtf that's all about).
While it's only the first day of the year, I decided to answer a mini survey I never completed last year... mainly for my own bookkeeping sake, so, carry on.

1. Was 2009 a good year for you?

HELL. NO

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?

I'm going to have to say the day I spent at Chichen Itza. That place is magic.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?

There were so many horrible moments this year... but the day we buried my grandma was difficult... so was the day we buried my grandpa. Those two were possibly the worst moments of '09 for me.

4. Where were you when 2009 began?

On the Strip, freaking the fuck out as my brother was drunk off his ass and my sis and cousin were attempting to get him home safe, I was lost in the sea of people with nothing but my phone on me. It was BAD!

5. Who were you with?

My bro, sis, cousin, Lucky Soprano and 2 of her friends... at one point there were 4 other chicks who are friends and all, but a little annoying.

6. Where will you be when 2009 ends?

I was home.

7. Who will you be with when 2009 ends?

I was with family.

8. Did you keep your New Year's resolution for 2009?

One aspect, yes... but the "no boys" rule was slightly bent... SO STUPID.

9. Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2010?

indeed.

10. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I did...

11. If yes, who?

you mean with whom? The wrong people. Let's leave it at that.

12. If yes, do they know?

They knew, except for one... and I'll never mention it to him because... I can't. The torch will always burn for him because he is that great.

13. Are you still in love with him/her?

of course. I always will be. ::Whitney Houston playing in the background:: (It's not even like that, I'm just fond of them and always will be)

14. Do you regret it?

I say I do for some, but honestly, they brought joy to my heart at some point, and that's always a good thing.

15. Did you break up with anyone in 2009?

Things were never official, so I can say NO here. But did I distance myself? Hell yes.

16. Did you make any new friends in 2009?

YES! :)

17. Who are your favorite new friends?

The F family from Cancun! They are such an awesome group of people!

18. What was your favorite month of 2009?

Ha! Um.. I think... well, February was so promising and cool at first... I guess I'll say February.

19. Did you travel outside the US in 2009?

I went to Mexico 4 times this year.

20. How many different states did you travel to in 2009?

.California, Illinois, Indiana, Texas, Georgia, and Arizona. 6 :)

21. Did you lose anyone close to you in 2009?

My final 2 grandparents. It was devastating. I also lost a couple of aunts/uncles and distant relatives with whom I got along. '09 bulldozed through loved ones like nobody's business.

22. Did you miss anyone in the past year?

I missed (still do) my grandma often. I also missed a couple of my friends, since I was a recluse the majority of the year due to my depression. I also have to add MGH, because I'd be lying if I didn't.

23. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009?

In theaters? I can't remember many, but I'll go out on a limb and say "Up."

24. What was your favorite song of 2009?

haha... I'll say "I know you want me." "Single Ladies" was a close 2nd.

25. What was your favorite record from 2009?

I didn't purchase ANY, but I did d/l Franz Ferdinand's new album when it came out. It holds good memories now.

26. How many concerts did you see in 2009?

1! and it was a JAZZ concert!! I was SO mad!

27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?

How? I only attended one!

28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?

initially no, but come June, the toll skyrocketed...

29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?

None.

30. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

Yes. 2 things.

31. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?

"Damn, I didn't know you liked me." Oh, FUCK OFF!

32. Did someone treat you badly in 2009?

yes, and probably because I allowed it.

33. Did you treat someone badly in 2009?

Not to my knowledge.

34. How much money did you spend in 2009?

$89,657? I dunno, it was a good chunk of change though.

35. What was your proudest moment of 2009?

hmmm... well... when the "hot trainer" at the gym walked into my room just to introduce himself and shake my hand (and no one else's) in front of a ton of chicks who drool over him was pretty rad, I won't lie. haha

36. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?

December 20th... I made such an ass of myself.

37. If you could go back to any moment in time and change something what would it be?

in 2009? That first night at the night club... I should have said it.

38. What are your plans for 2010?

I'm going to be happy.

2009: WORST. YEAR. EVER.

I don't know where to start.
Honestly.

This year has been... insane... downright cruel to me.
It has done SO much shit... SO MUCH shit...
I should have known from that very first day. January 1st began horrifyingly frightening. At least I was given a day's break before it decided to take my grandpa from me.
Well, since we're on how this year has sucked dick, let's go on a monthly recap of everything:

FEBRUARY-
Yes, it was fun for president's day weekend... aka Valentine's day, where I actually had 2 dates and blah blah blah. Ok, I lie... that weekend was pretty GREAT.
Of course, everything went to shit by the end. I didn't share this before... I forgot... sort of, but I also didn't want to worry anyone, I hate the attention. But, ok, I'll tell you now, since it has been 10 months: I had a cancer scare.
Yeah. My head was not here. I think it left me the instant I made my mind up to get cut.
I was sliced and I couldn't make sudden movements with my left arm for a week, but other than that, it's ok. It still kind of hurts if I sleep on my left side the entire night, and I still pass my hand over the spot andhave major "What if.." moments.
MARCH
Once it came along (3 days later), as in, my birthday, my friends were inviting me to LA/San Diego/Rosarito, and when I declined, they almost got me to fess up, but I just told them I had a bad injury.
The month continued to suck because of the drama that one girl brought with the Cancun ticket fiasco. That was fun. But the month did end with a trip to Hollywood... so... I could finally stop crying a little.

APRIL

My mom's older sister suffered a mild stroke/heart attack, which led to Mom rushing to Mexico and taking care of her, as well as grandma (since this aunt was the one in charge of caring for grandma). This turned me into an instant accountant after a 5 minute tutorial given by mom... and I worked FOR FREE for Dad. I was given jack-shit in return... just frequent headaches.

MAY

I was given a nice "Happy Mother's Day!" from LIFE with the sudden death of one of my favorite aunts. Her death was provoked... so... let's leave it at that. The family involved in her troubles no longer speaks to us, after a lifetime of friendship.
This month was marked by frequent heartache... well... I don't know how to put it. It was... me being an idiot... loving a boy who only loved me when he was lonely, basically. All the other time, he gave me backhanded compliments and rubbed my face in shit, metaphorically. He would keep me up until 4 in the morning the entire month, bullshitting around. Can you blame me for being hypnotized by the guy?

JUNE

Oh, JUNE!! One word: CANCUN.
LIFE showed me just HOW wrong I have always been.
I confessed... and ERRRRR! BRIIIICK!
Oh! The degree of heartbreak a human being can reach.

JULY

Spent the entire month in a war zone... aka Durango, MX. There was not a day I could breathe easily while being down there.
I also spent the month with my very frail grandmother. It physically hurt me to see her like that. I couldn't look at her for more than 30 seconds before running out of the room crying.
If I think about it too long, I still cry.
"Como un Cristo..."

AUGUST

Last month I saw grandma alive. She cried, didn't want to leave our house, wanted us to bring her to Vegas... and she told us she wasn't going to make it to December. I have never seen so much heartbreak in someone's face... like that day on my grandma. Knowing she was no longer going to see us again, and wanting to share just ONE more day. That was... painful.

SEPTEMBER

The end. 89 years, and she left. We rushed to Mexico for the final farewell.
Most surreal month of my life.
2 other deaths occurred... maybe more, I don't remember... but all in quick succession.

OCTOBER

I can't really remember this month.
Just... detachment. Depression.

NOVEMBER

Realized... I... I don't know. I went to San Francisco again... and while I had an awesome time, after the clout died down, it just left me feeling sad... and once again, used.
Just when I think my heart's healed... it gets broken in some very innovative ways.
I applied for a job. I didn't even get a "We got your app. Thanks, but no thanks." I felt stupid. The end.

DECEMBER

Started off super depressed. It only worsened once I realized I WASTED this entire year. I never got to taking the GRE, much less applying to grad school. SO overwhelmed by it all.
Total crisis mode.
Went to Mexico for almost 2 weeks and my mood lifted. I got lit a couple of times while out there (on one occasion, I was blacking out. It was definitely my worst drunken time EVER. I had only eaten 6 baby powdered doughnuts the entire day. I drank moderately originally, however, everything went to hell the moment I lost a hand at Texas Hold 'em. My friend bet 8 tequila shots, I called. I had pocket aces, he made a straight on the river. That shit FUCKED. ME. UP. I lost 2 more hands, but only for a total of 3 shots. Anyway, there was drama once I started passing out. My bro was also drunk and he made a toast to "That one Girl/Guy you will ALWAYS love, no matter what... even if you can never be with them again." He was forcing everyone at the party say a name. Not wanting to spill the beans, I acted as if I was passed out for the moment. HOWEVER, MGH's brother screamed MGH's complete name when it was my turn, and of course, I cried. "How does he know?!?!" Jesus. I was taken away after that), and being with my two little cousins is always awesome. They make me smile.
I thought of my grandma often while out there. Fuck, I miss her terribly. I'd fight back tears each time I saw something that reminded me of her. Mom had us all crying on Christmas eve, she cried a lot. It was... a very... umm, there was desperation in her voice. She'd rub at her eyes furiously while saying "I TRY NOT TO CRY! I TRY NOT TO THINK OF IT! I TELL MYSELF SHE'S WITH GOD, SHE'S IN HEAVEN. BUT.... AHHHHH! I MISS MY MOMMY!! NO ESTA MI MADRECITA!"
:(
Then we got drunk that night and laughed really hard as Mom's older sister kept calling herself a gorilla and wanting us to take pictures of her behind her door gates (as if she were an attraction at the zoo), as Mom stood on the other side of the gates with the "gorilla" reaching out, menacingly, towards her. I mean... it was quite hilarious, to the point where you could hear us all laughing in the middle of the night in that tinyass town.
I guess you could say December went out sort of saying "Yo, dude, I'm sorry I was a fucking prick...
here, have a couple of laughs real quick, before I go."

2010... this WILL be MY year.
2009... fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK. YOU.

Recolutions? I'm going to be happy. I WILL make lemonade with the lemons life throws at me (I heard that line about 5 times yesterday as I drove back from MX, listening to the satellite radio).

Mi Abue

This past month has been... one of the worst in a very long time (this year, overall, has been one of the worst).

I've had the intention to update this thing since I got back from Mexico, but so many things occurred in such a short span of time (my dad's aunt passed away ten days after my grandma, and my mom's uncle passed away maybe 4 days after that... so funerals were all over the place. The world apparently wanted to see me miserable ever so badly, which of course, it got), I just never got to it.

So, concerning the whole week-long trip to Mexico, these are my points:

1. I was not scared this time around when it came to the trip. Whatsoever. (There's just something about an actual death [as opposed to just the threat of one] in the family that made me... feel invincible... if that makes sense. "My grandma just died! God wouldn't fuck us over like that right now..." And frankly, I could have cared less if I was really meant to die on the way there)
   
2. Funerals are FAR more painful/difficult to endure in Mexico than the U.S. (The entire fucking town is at your house, as your dead relative sits in the living room... the entire fucking day/night. You have ZERO privacy to cry by yourself, because they're sitting there, staring at you... that's right, they just STARE. No one offers to hug you, or pull you away... they just stare at you as you sob uncontrollably at the casket. In my case, I was greasy and smelly from the 20+ hour non-stop car ride. My hair was in a messy, uncombed braid when I walked into the living room to see my grandmother. I did not bother to comb my hair, change clothes, and much less shower before going in public. I just wanted to go in there, kiss my grandmother, and then continue with the living.The room was packed with people who fell silent when we walked in, they stared at my mom, expecting her to scream or something, and they continued to stare as we struggled to open the casket. They stared as Mom hugged and kissed her mother... and I caught them staring at me as I turned away to sob out of my mom's view. I couldn't whisper the "Perdóneme, abuelita... perdóneme" I had been thinking all day... I couldn't do shit [technically, if I were into theatrics, I could have done A LOT, but as far as I'm concerned, NO ONE will know that AnoMALIE cries]. Let's not forget I had not slept in over 36 hours... and I had only been snacking on 2 granola bars Dad was smart enough to pack. Since the house was packed day and night, I had to sleep sitting up... for maybe 2 hours. Mass is a different story. 6 people are to stand at guard next to the casket at all time... and each person that would volunteer to stand would bring a tear to my eye. So many memories flooded my mind while in church. My grandma wanted to go to church SO badly the second to last Sunday we were in Mexico. Of course, since she was bedridden, we couldn't do anything about it. "You're here now, grandma," was all I could think, and I couldn't stop crying over the state we could finally bring her: dead. From there, we had to man up, and walk behind the hearse all the way to the cemetery as the ladies of town sang the [scary] church songs they've sung for centuries in this town. The trip is long... the songs are sad... and hearing/seeing my mom and her siblings sobbing... that shit made me feel like my chest was ready to explode. And I sang... oh yes... I sang. I bugged my poor grandmother for the last 2 years with fucking guitar hero day and night, why the hell was I going to shut up now? And that, of course, made me cry some more. Then the actual burial was HARD. Something about the part where they close the casket... it... it kills me just a little more inside. "This is it, grandma... no more. No more. Now you're just a memory." Then to see the boys of the town, shoveling dirt on top... not strangers doing their job at Palm... but kids with which I grew up playing tag/basketball/volleyball, kids I fought with almost every summer, kids I'd cuss out in heated arguments... they were the ones helping with a task none of us dared to do: bury my grandmother. It touched my heart... hella. And then to just sit there, by the dirt... holding flowers... staring at that fresh mound of dirt... everyone gone... just you. That's when I can talk to my grandma? When she's in the hole, under all this dirt? Fucked. Up.)
3. My mom is the shit! (she eulogized my grandma right after they finished covering the grave. I've never heard such eloquence. And no, I'm not saying that because she's my mother... EVERYONE there noticed it. EVERYONE there cried. Even the town badass--yeah, we have one of those-- that NEVER shows emotion. No one beats her performance... no one, educated, famous, whatever... my mom made town history that day. She did not cry, her voice did not crack, she did not stutter, she did not have awkward pauses... and the whole time she improvised. My mom only went to 6th grade... yet she is one badass female. BADASS. "Damn *MyBrother*, did you inherit that gift of public speaking?" Bro: No... I fucking wish! I'd be running the world by now! Cousin: Daaaamn, she should write for Obama!)
4. Mexico is GORGEOUS in September! (on our drive through Sonora, Chihuahua and finally Durango, I saw nothing but beauty. The mountains were green, lush fields of wild flowers appeared every couple of minutes... there were deer, eagles!, bunnies, coyotes... I mean... it was absolutely beautiful. I couldn't help but silently thank my grandma...)

My grandma played a GIANT role in my life... something I wasn't very aware of up until the moment I walked into that living-room, that Monday afternoon.
I walk like she did  (shuffling my feet).
I cuss like she did (sweet Jesus, did she cuss! and it was SO cute! "Ahi voy... viejo cabron...").
I hate fish like did (ok, so I eat sushi now, but I can't stand cooking fish).
I puke bile when pissed/nervous like she did.
I mean... the list can go on.
She gave me my name... something I didn't grow fond of until recently.
She purchased my first bike back in like... '93?
She... protected my mom when my grandpa would go fucking crazy... and she would try calming us down as well.
I spent the vast majority of my summers in Mexico. Yes, OFTEN I'd complain... and often I'd straight up try my hardest to avoid visiting my grandparents.
I'd complain over my grandma "not loving me." "Why didn't she have ANY pictures of any of YOUR kids, Mom?!" And it wasn't until I saw her laying in the coffin that I realized... she had no need to have photos of us, she saw us each and every summer. Whether we'd be happy because our crush finally held our hand in public, pissed because we were called in early from play in order to eat dinner, dirty/sweaty after a long day at the park, she had the opportunity to see us, hear us, smell us, feel us. She would wait 9 months to hear/see all our bullshit antics... she got to know us... go as far as advise us (Her: Go to the dance, AnoMALIE. Me: Why?? Her: So you can ::puts her hands up, as if dancing with an imaginary partner:: dance and find yourself a cute guy!).

These past summers, my college summers, I felt regret over going to Mexico so often. I turned down internships, jobs... things that would help further my science career... all for going to Mexico and spending the maximum amount of days possible. Basically, I felt I had wasted my life, for no reason.
And now that I think about it... all that time STILL isn't enough... it WASN'T enough. My grandma, my grandparents deserved that and much more. They gave me so much, yet I gave so little in return.

I'll never forget our last moment together this summer:

We sat in her room, saying our goodbyes 6 hours before our departure time... she laid in her bed, immobile... her eyes watery, but Mom, Sis, Aunt, and I "cracking jokes" in hopes of making her smile.

Grandma: When are you coming back?
Mom: December.
Grandma: ... that's... too long.
:: two tears roll down her cheeks::

Mom: No... look, it's September, October, November, December. 4 months. You'll see us in 4 months! :)
Sis: When we get back, you'll probably be walking by then! :)
Me: Yeah, Grandma! And we'll all be here for Christmas! :)
She just looked at us... tears still in her eyes...
Grandma: ...no.
::We hug her::
Mom: I want you to get better! Start eating... and... move those legs of yours! :)

She gave us her blessing... gently (not like the way in which we'd complain, saying she'd just "slap" our mouth, instead of the real thing)... and she gave me a real (as opposed to an "air") kiss on my cheek.

...I didn't kiss her.
I ran out of the room.

My resilient... "Iron" grandma... all 4 foot 8 of her... is gone. Now just a sweet, sweet memory. Her 89 years of life, a true testament of the courage, patience, and dedication a woman is capable of possessing.

You finally got to rest, abuelita.