Penny for your thoughts

You can't give me 20 bucks out of the blue and expect me:

-to think you have ZERO feelings for me...  
-to think NOTHING is going on there...
- NOT to like you.


Just sayin'.

WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS BOYS?!
Don't give me 20 bucks "out of the goodness of your heart." I don't need them.  
Just tell me what your deal is!
I'd be much, much happier.

No tengo dinero

Me: Did you hear?! *Brother* got the consulate job in South Africa!
Mom: Really?! Thank you, God! Mijo's really blessed! I always ask God to grant every one of your desires... as long as they're good for you, and he always hears my prayers!
Me: You ask for that?
Mom: Yeah. As long as it's good for you. If it doesn't come, it means it was never going to serve you any good, and I'd rather God not grant it for you. Like with you, baby, you haven't had your wishes come true because it's not meant to be... yet. You'll get the millions you want... soon... once it's good for you.
Me: You think that's my biggest wish?!
Mom: It's not?

I can't help but feel a bit worried when my mother suspects money to be the top priority in my life.

FYI- My biggest wish is to visit as many countries as possible. I want to see the world... meet its people... and write about it. I WANT TO WRITE!
That is my biggest wish.

You weren't happy?!

Dad is still in Mexico... he's getting some wack ideas while over there, and I think it's about time he comes back. Take for example, this conversation he had over the phone with Mom:

Dad: So I was looking through our wedding album today...
Mom: Yeah?
Dad: You don't look happy. WHY don't you look happy?!
Mom: Because I wasn't.
Dad: How can you say that?!
Mom: I don't know. I mean, I was losing my freedom. How can anyone be happy about losing their freedom?
Dad: You weren't happy to be marrying me?!
Mom: I wasn't happy about losing my freedom, that's all.
Dad: (silence)
Mom: Man, you're gonna bring this shit up after 27 years of marriage? Come the fuck on!
Dad: Well, it's only now that I noticed how upset you looked!
Mom: You think I'd stay with someone I hated for 27 years?? Oh, shut up!

Mom was laughing about the conversation at first... then it quickly progressed to anger... then she just rolled her eyes and said what we all were thinking:

Ridiculous! Get your self away from those losers and back home, jackass!!

40+ NOT welcome

Operation "I'm Happy!" is in full swing, and so far, so good.
I did have a minor relapse on Thursday, however, it was only because I had to go to a funeral.

Now that I mention the funeral, let me just put this out there:

If you're over 40 years old and your highest level of education reached is below high school: DON'T YOU DARE holler at me.

I was standing next to Mom and TravelinDin as Mom gave her condolences to the son of the dead lady, when the guy next to him spoke up.
Creepy Guy (totally in his 40's, he was the only man NOT wearing a suit. Fuckin' bumming it with a hoodie): *Mom* is that you?!
Mom: Yes, it's me *Creepy Guy*
CG: Well, don't just stand there, hug me!

(sis and I stare at each other, and decide to start walking away)

CG: And who are these beauties?
Mom: Them? They're my daughters.
CG: Very gorgeous girls! Beautiful! Amazing! Gorgeousss!

(Stupid ass TravelinDin's head was in the clouds or some shit, as she stood in my way, impeding me from rushing out of the building and getting the fuck away from that creep)

Mom: Well, you're telling me. They're my daughters, of course I'm going to agree.

(Mom starts walking away and DUMB SHIT sister wasn't moving! I was getting ready to punch her)

CG: Hey, Mom (he said it in Spanish, the equivalent of "mother-in-law")!
Other dude standing by: Shhh! Shut up, idiot.

I wanted to vomit. It didn't help that the little fiasco occurred inside the chapel, at a very audible volume.
Fucking crazy bastard. I don't know what about me screams "Don't have a job/tact/future? Holler at me! I'll take you!" But... if that type of dude is my only hope for marriage, then God, please kill me! I'll slit my own throat if that's what I have to look forward to. No.

Aside from this uncomfortable encounter, I did bump into the girls involved in the Bellagio Weekend Fight. Instead of ignoring them or downright fighting them, I decided to mend fences. I hugged them and chatted for about 20 minutes, then went on my merry way.

Being nice is... nice.
:)

Come back!

So my dad stayed in Mexico after we left.

I haven't had comfortable sleep the entire time I've been back. I keep having nightmares, and I nearly freak out each time the phone rings. I'm terrified that one day we'll get a phone call asking for ransom (we've gotten one before, and it was so bizarre... also quite infuriating).
I guess while we were in Mexico, the narcos let out some sort of press release (ha! ok, whatever) saying they were now going to abduct civilians and not just public officials like the poor dude they last abducted and killed (really close to my neck of the woods in Mexico, nonetheless. Jesus).

I wasn't scared while IN Mexico... I actually sort of wanted to come back various times during 2010 to celebrate Mexico's bicentennial. I had plans, damn it!

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: this shit ANGERS me. The speed with which my little wonderland, my little piece of heaven, turned into a hell pit is astonishing. And why we let it happen is beyond me. It's like having an all-out drug war here in the U.S. with the biggest headache being found in some tiny town in... not Alaska, because it's not part of the continental U.S., but let's say Wyoming.

God, I can't wait until my dad gets back.

No need to read.

Ok, so part of my resolution is to go back to writing more often on this thing, at times other than when I'm feeling depressed out of my mind (like at 3 AM. Even I ask myself wtf that's all about).
While it's only the first day of the year, I decided to answer a mini survey I never completed last year... mainly for my own bookkeeping sake, so, carry on.

1. Was 2009 a good year for you?

HELL. NO

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?

I'm going to have to say the day I spent at Chichen Itza. That place is magic.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?

There were so many horrible moments this year... but the day we buried my grandma was difficult... so was the day we buried my grandpa. Those two were possibly the worst moments of '09 for me.

4. Where were you when 2009 began?

On the Strip, freaking the fuck out as my brother was drunk off his ass and my sis and cousin were attempting to get him home safe, I was lost in the sea of people with nothing but my phone on me. It was BAD!

5. Who were you with?

My bro, sis, cousin, Lucky Soprano and 2 of her friends... at one point there were 4 other chicks who are friends and all, but a little annoying.

6. Where will you be when 2009 ends?

I was home.

7. Who will you be with when 2009 ends?

I was with family.

8. Did you keep your New Year's resolution for 2009?

One aspect, yes... but the "no boys" rule was slightly bent... SO STUPID.

9. Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2010?

indeed.

10. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I did...

11. If yes, who?

you mean with whom? The wrong people. Let's leave it at that.

12. If yes, do they know?

They knew, except for one... and I'll never mention it to him because... I can't. The torch will always burn for him because he is that great.

13. Are you still in love with him/her?

of course. I always will be. ::Whitney Houston playing in the background:: (It's not even like that, I'm just fond of them and always will be)

14. Do you regret it?

I say I do for some, but honestly, they brought joy to my heart at some point, and that's always a good thing.

15. Did you break up with anyone in 2009?

Things were never official, so I can say NO here. But did I distance myself? Hell yes.

16. Did you make any new friends in 2009?

YES! :)

17. Who are your favorite new friends?

The F family from Cancun! They are such an awesome group of people!

18. What was your favorite month of 2009?

Ha! Um.. I think... well, February was so promising and cool at first... I guess I'll say February.

19. Did you travel outside the US in 2009?

I went to Mexico 4 times this year.

20. How many different states did you travel to in 2009?

.California, Illinois, Indiana, Texas, Georgia, and Arizona. 6 :)

21. Did you lose anyone close to you in 2009?

My final 2 grandparents. It was devastating. I also lost a couple of aunts/uncles and distant relatives with whom I got along. '09 bulldozed through loved ones like nobody's business.

22. Did you miss anyone in the past year?

I missed (still do) my grandma often. I also missed a couple of my friends, since I was a recluse the majority of the year due to my depression. I also have to add MGH, because I'd be lying if I didn't.

23. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009?

In theaters? I can't remember many, but I'll go out on a limb and say "Up."

24. What was your favorite song of 2009?

haha... I'll say "I know you want me." "Single Ladies" was a close 2nd.

25. What was your favorite record from 2009?

I didn't purchase ANY, but I did d/l Franz Ferdinand's new album when it came out. It holds good memories now.

26. How many concerts did you see in 2009?

1! and it was a JAZZ concert!! I was SO mad!

27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?

How? I only attended one!

28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?

initially no, but come June, the toll skyrocketed...

29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?

None.

30. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

Yes. 2 things.

31. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?

"Damn, I didn't know you liked me." Oh, FUCK OFF!

32. Did someone treat you badly in 2009?

yes, and probably because I allowed it.

33. Did you treat someone badly in 2009?

Not to my knowledge.

34. How much money did you spend in 2009?

$89,657? I dunno, it was a good chunk of change though.

35. What was your proudest moment of 2009?

hmmm... well... when the "hot trainer" at the gym walked into my room just to introduce himself and shake my hand (and no one else's) in front of a ton of chicks who drool over him was pretty rad, I won't lie. haha

36. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?

December 20th... I made such an ass of myself.

37. If you could go back to any moment in time and change something what would it be?

in 2009? That first night at the night club... I should have said it.

38. What are your plans for 2010?

I'm going to be happy.

2009: WORST. YEAR. EVER.

I don't know where to start.
Honestly.

This year has been... insane... downright cruel to me.
It has done SO much shit... SO MUCH shit...
I should have known from that very first day. January 1st began horrifyingly frightening. At least I was given a day's break before it decided to take my grandpa from me.
Well, since we're on how this year has sucked dick, let's go on a monthly recap of everything:

FEBRUARY-
Yes, it was fun for president's day weekend... aka Valentine's day, where I actually had 2 dates and blah blah blah. Ok, I lie... that weekend was pretty GREAT.
Of course, everything went to shit by the end. I didn't share this before... I forgot... sort of, but I also didn't want to worry anyone, I hate the attention. But, ok, I'll tell you now, since it has been 10 months: I had a cancer scare.
Yeah. My head was not here. I think it left me the instant I made my mind up to get cut.
I was sliced and I couldn't make sudden movements with my left arm for a week, but other than that, it's ok. It still kind of hurts if I sleep on my left side the entire night, and I still pass my hand over the spot andhave major "What if.." moments.
MARCH
Once it came along (3 days later), as in, my birthday, my friends were inviting me to LA/San Diego/Rosarito, and when I declined, they almost got me to fess up, but I just told them I had a bad injury.
The month continued to suck because of the drama that one girl brought with the Cancun ticket fiasco. That was fun. But the month did end with a trip to Hollywood... so... I could finally stop crying a little.

APRIL

My mom's older sister suffered a mild stroke/heart attack, which led to Mom rushing to Mexico and taking care of her, as well as grandma (since this aunt was the one in charge of caring for grandma). This turned me into an instant accountant after a 5 minute tutorial given by mom... and I worked FOR FREE for Dad. I was given jack-shit in return... just frequent headaches.

MAY

I was given a nice "Happy Mother's Day!" from LIFE with the sudden death of one of my favorite aunts. Her death was provoked... so... let's leave it at that. The family involved in her troubles no longer speaks to us, after a lifetime of friendship.
This month was marked by frequent heartache... well... I don't know how to put it. It was... me being an idiot... loving a boy who only loved me when he was lonely, basically. All the other time, he gave me backhanded compliments and rubbed my face in shit, metaphorically. He would keep me up until 4 in the morning the entire month, bullshitting around. Can you blame me for being hypnotized by the guy?

JUNE

Oh, JUNE!! One word: CANCUN.
LIFE showed me just HOW wrong I have always been.
I confessed... and ERRRRR! BRIIIICK!
Oh! The degree of heartbreak a human being can reach.

JULY

Spent the entire month in a war zone... aka Durango, MX. There was not a day I could breathe easily while being down there.
I also spent the month with my very frail grandmother. It physically hurt me to see her like that. I couldn't look at her for more than 30 seconds before running out of the room crying.
If I think about it too long, I still cry.
"Como un Cristo..."

AUGUST

Last month I saw grandma alive. She cried, didn't want to leave our house, wanted us to bring her to Vegas... and she told us she wasn't going to make it to December. I have never seen so much heartbreak in someone's face... like that day on my grandma. Knowing she was no longer going to see us again, and wanting to share just ONE more day. That was... painful.

SEPTEMBER

The end. 89 years, and she left. We rushed to Mexico for the final farewell.
Most surreal month of my life.
2 other deaths occurred... maybe more, I don't remember... but all in quick succession.

OCTOBER

I can't really remember this month.
Just... detachment. Depression.

NOVEMBER

Realized... I... I don't know. I went to San Francisco again... and while I had an awesome time, after the clout died down, it just left me feeling sad... and once again, used.
Just when I think my heart's healed... it gets broken in some very innovative ways.
I applied for a job. I didn't even get a "We got your app. Thanks, but no thanks." I felt stupid. The end.

DECEMBER

Started off super depressed. It only worsened once I realized I WASTED this entire year. I never got to taking the GRE, much less applying to grad school. SO overwhelmed by it all.
Total crisis mode.
Went to Mexico for almost 2 weeks and my mood lifted. I got lit a couple of times while out there (on one occasion, I was blacking out. It was definitely my worst drunken time EVER. I had only eaten 6 baby powdered doughnuts the entire day. I drank moderately originally, however, everything went to hell the moment I lost a hand at Texas Hold 'em. My friend bet 8 tequila shots, I called. I had pocket aces, he made a straight on the river. That shit FUCKED. ME. UP. I lost 2 more hands, but only for a total of 3 shots. Anyway, there was drama once I started passing out. My bro was also drunk and he made a toast to "That one Girl/Guy you will ALWAYS love, no matter what... even if you can never be with them again." He was forcing everyone at the party say a name. Not wanting to spill the beans, I acted as if I was passed out for the moment. HOWEVER, MGH's brother screamed MGH's complete name when it was my turn, and of course, I cried. "How does he know?!?!" Jesus. I was taken away after that), and being with my two little cousins is always awesome. They make me smile.
I thought of my grandma often while out there. Fuck, I miss her terribly. I'd fight back tears each time I saw something that reminded me of her. Mom had us all crying on Christmas eve, she cried a lot. It was... a very... umm, there was desperation in her voice. She'd rub at her eyes furiously while saying "I TRY NOT TO CRY! I TRY NOT TO THINK OF IT! I TELL MYSELF SHE'S WITH GOD, SHE'S IN HEAVEN. BUT.... AHHHHH! I MISS MY MOMMY!! NO ESTA MI MADRECITA!"
:(
Then we got drunk that night and laughed really hard as Mom's older sister kept calling herself a gorilla and wanting us to take pictures of her behind her door gates (as if she were an attraction at the zoo), as Mom stood on the other side of the gates with the "gorilla" reaching out, menacingly, towards her. I mean... it was quite hilarious, to the point where you could hear us all laughing in the middle of the night in that tinyass town.
I guess you could say December went out sort of saying "Yo, dude, I'm sorry I was a fucking prick...
here, have a couple of laughs real quick, before I go."

2010... this WILL be MY year.
2009... fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK. YOU.

Recolutions? I'm going to be happy. I WILL make lemonade with the lemons life throws at me (I heard that line about 5 times yesterday as I drove back from MX, listening to the satellite radio).