Wednesday, February 10, 2016

PJs

Lent begins today.

I decided to forgo the entire "I'm not cussing" promise, it's never going to happen... and like I've said before, I actually turn into a worse person when I give up on cussing.

I'm still dealing with some shock issues... from what I've seen and heard these last four weeks.
The issues range from that cheating scandal with the Costa Ricans, to a couple of terrible health issues (not my own), to hearing the most unexpected person trashtalking me.
I'm all sorts of sad... like, disappointed sad, angry sad, heartbroken sad, confused sad... but not deep-depression sad.
It's a sad that makes me turn into a mute... because my brain is having such a shitty time processing everything.

So... as I sat in church today (I realized 30 seconds after taking my seat that I was wearing MY PAJAMA TOP... YES... THAT'S how mindfucked I am currently) I kept thinking about what to do this season.
There's the whole dietary upheaval thing I'm gonna do (I MUST... for SCIENCE!), but that isn't going to make me a better person... it usually makes me a worse person, with my low-carb/no-carb rage.
What can I do to become a better person? My heart is so... shocked... it's kind of reluctant to be a better person. I am bitter, and confused, and... disappointed.
I'm on a kick right now, an "I refuse to continue being a doormat!" kick, that turning the other cheek when I feel wronged seems counterintuitive.

So... I uncomfortably sat in church, in my pajama top (as though this were some sort of nightmare, but it was real life), wondering what the hell I was going to do. Then, with Mass yet to begin, I hear an angel, sitting directly in front of me-- this 60-something-year old lady, hair white as snow, say "SHIT! I FORGOT TO TURN OFF MY PHONE! Oh! I mean, CRAP! I don't even KNOW how to turn off my phone!"
I laughed as her group of equally snow-haired ladies joined me.

I'm gonna laugh. This Lent, I'm going to laugh. Maybe I won't be a super nice girl, but I'm gonna laugh every day... just to fight off this ugly, dark cloud of "WTF?!" that's trying to creep into my mind.

I WENT TO CHURCH IN MY PAJAMA TOP, GUYS! My night-mask-stained, sweaty pajama top. My gosh... man oh man.

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