How I know I am A-fucking-OK:
Things are really fucking piling up-- people intentionally trying to piss me off, my sister dealing with some fucking bullshit at work where one of her coworkers is harassing the shit out of her, the Costa Rican family's telenovela hitting a motherfucking INCREDIBLE level of "WTF IS THIS SHIT?!", people fuckin' with my travel plans...
And so much more...
Yet, I remain happy (hmmm... that might be an ambitious claim, but I'll stick with it for now).
No, I'm not cartwheeling all over the place... I'm not even skipping around the house (I have jumped with joy a couple of times, but part of it was because one of the times I was freezing my ass off)... but I don't feel surrounded, or suffocated, by those dark clouds from last year. I don't feel a single ounce of heaviness in my chest... and that's considering I've had a couple of heartbreaking Tyson dreams.
Now, I did wonder "maybe this is just like... being manic-depressive and I'm currently in a manic episode," but... aren't manics typically super happy and all that shit? I wouldn't necessarily consider my happiness as "extreme"... but more precisely as "constant."
It's steady.
While I have moments where I remember something unpleasant, or bump into someone I definitely do not hold in a favorable light (I hate the motherfucker, k?), the negative feelings don't linger (or worse yet-- accumulate).
I'm not fucking jubilant and laughing like a maniac all over the place, either... I'm just fucking NORMAL for once-- not wanting to strangle some idiot, but also not laughing so loud the neighbors are calling the cops.
Not too long ago, I heard what maybe six months ago would have sent me into a deep depression. Instead of falling into a pit of darkness, I sat perplexed for a few hours ("Did... I just hear that?"), then spent another couple of hours trying to make sense of it ("Why... would he say that about me? Why would this other person think it was ok to tell me this? Who is lying? IS someone lying? Consider the narrator..."). I decided I WOULDN'T make sense of it... I would just let that sit there and fucking rot away on its own. Eventually the truth will emerge, it always does, even if it doesn't look like it will happen for quite some time. When I find out what was really said, IF I find out, THEN I'll make my conclusion. Until then? I'm gonna ride this shit out.
This is something that would have been too fucking unimaginable a few months ago.
And I'm ok. No depression... no extreme jubilance... I'm chill. When something happens, I have a certain feeling about it... but don't dwell.
I'm not in love, or even crushing on anyone... so I can't blame the pleasant mood on that (this is odd. I can't recall a time where I didn't have at least a TINY crush on someone).
I'm not taking any medication or drugs... so I can't accuse any of that mind altering shit on my mood.
I don't have a puppy.
I'm not working out or pigging out like a savage.
I haven't suffered brain trauma.
Real talk, it feels like someone excised a motherfucking demon from me. The extreme, suicidal depression that side-swiped the fucking shit out of me last year, is totally gone... totally... and I did nothing to really change that... I think?
Only explanation I have is that someone out there prayed super hard for me... like... that person has a direct line to God or something.
Visiting Rome three times in a year does that to someone? Well... shoot! I wish that prescription were cheaper, then.
Bad things are happening to me and around me, bad things BRING ME DOWN for a minute or two... but they don't keep me down... and that is odd as fuck.
I welcome this change.. obviously... because it's very nice to feel warmth and see colors again... I actually appreciate them much, MUCH more now.
Things are really fucking piling up-- people intentionally trying to piss me off, my sister dealing with some fucking bullshit at work where one of her coworkers is harassing the shit out of her, the Costa Rican family's telenovela hitting a motherfucking INCREDIBLE level of "WTF IS THIS SHIT?!", people fuckin' with my travel plans...
And so much more...
Yet, I remain happy (hmmm... that might be an ambitious claim, but I'll stick with it for now).
No, I'm not cartwheeling all over the place... I'm not even skipping around the house (I have jumped with joy a couple of times, but part of it was because one of the times I was freezing my ass off)... but I don't feel surrounded, or suffocated, by those dark clouds from last year. I don't feel a single ounce of heaviness in my chest... and that's considering I've had a couple of heartbreaking Tyson dreams.
Now, I did wonder "maybe this is just like... being manic-depressive and I'm currently in a manic episode," but... aren't manics typically super happy and all that shit? I wouldn't necessarily consider my happiness as "extreme"... but more precisely as "constant."
It's steady.
While I have moments where I remember something unpleasant, or bump into someone I definitely do not hold in a favorable light (I hate the motherfucker, k?), the negative feelings don't linger (or worse yet-- accumulate).
I'm not fucking jubilant and laughing like a maniac all over the place, either... I'm just fucking NORMAL for once-- not wanting to strangle some idiot, but also not laughing so loud the neighbors are calling the cops.
Not too long ago, I heard what maybe six months ago would have sent me into a deep depression. Instead of falling into a pit of darkness, I sat perplexed for a few hours ("Did... I just hear that?"), then spent another couple of hours trying to make sense of it ("Why... would he say that about me? Why would this other person think it was ok to tell me this? Who is lying? IS someone lying? Consider the narrator..."). I decided I WOULDN'T make sense of it... I would just let that sit there and fucking rot away on its own. Eventually the truth will emerge, it always does, even if it doesn't look like it will happen for quite some time. When I find out what was really said, IF I find out, THEN I'll make my conclusion. Until then? I'm gonna ride this shit out.
This is something that would have been too fucking unimaginable a few months ago.
And I'm ok. No depression... no extreme jubilance... I'm chill. When something happens, I have a certain feeling about it... but don't dwell.
I'm not in love, or even crushing on anyone... so I can't blame the pleasant mood on that (this is odd. I can't recall a time where I didn't have at least a TINY crush on someone).
I'm not taking any medication or drugs... so I can't accuse any of that mind altering shit on my mood.
I don't have a puppy.
I'm not working out or pigging out like a savage.
I haven't suffered brain trauma.
Real talk, it feels like someone excised a motherfucking demon from me. The extreme, suicidal depression that side-swiped the fucking shit out of me last year, is totally gone... totally... and I did nothing to really change that... I think?
Only explanation I have is that someone out there prayed super hard for me... like... that person has a direct line to God or something.
Visiting Rome three times in a year does that to someone? Well... shoot! I wish that prescription were cheaper, then.
Bad things are happening to me and around me, bad things BRING ME DOWN for a minute or two... but they don't keep me down... and that is odd as fuck.
I welcome this change.. obviously... because it's very nice to feel warmth and see colors again... I actually appreciate them much, MUCH more now.
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