Oh, sweet babies...

Oh, Notre Dame! Babies! What was that? Way to break my heart.
I'm not even mad... it was an incredible, amazing, exhilarating season. But I am sad.

Too sad to update properly.
I'm also sleepy as fuck.
So... here's a nice little thing to say adios today.
The hundred-word minimum can go fuck itself this year.

H-h-h-hate

Aaaaand it begins.
Again.
Oh, Shaman! I need that fucking limpia.
Aren't people supposed to be famous in order to have haters?
Fantastic.

And I made myself so easy to love...

Luckily I can put this stress to good use and fucking PUSH.

You haters, how can I gain your favor?
I need to know, 'cause I care.
I need you to love me, I swear. Look here.

I'll just keep acting like I don't know anything is going on... and mind my own business.

I need you, stay there.
I breathe you, like air.

Oh, HOVA, why you so smart? 
The man gets me.

Que viaje

I've heard numerous friends mention how... not sure how this works, but something about affirmations and manifestations.
"It will manifest because I thought it so!"
Stuff like that.

I've never been one to give a fuck about "affirmations" or "manifestations," but I can agree that when I'm being a NegativeNancy, things tend to worsen. Also, when I wake up with a positive attitude, and SMILE, the world--for the most part-- smiles right back.

So... umm... I guess I'll make a list of places I'd like to visit before this year comes to an end.
Maybe if I "think it" hard enough, it'll manifest and I'll get to do what I love so much: travel.
And keeping in line with superstitions, or whatever this might be, let's make it lucky 13... because that number has always been a fantastic number to me.

Ok, so... before December 31st, 2013, I will have visited... and even had a magnificent time in:
1. San Francisco.
This one is happening... so fuck it, let's add it. It's not cheating-- it's being realistic. I need more fucking REALISM in my life.
2. Los Angeles.
The end of the month will mark one year that I haven't visited this place. I dig it... regardless of how often I shit-talk this place.
3. Boston.
COME ON, Beantown! You've been on my list for SO LONG! I MUST visit. NO excuses.
4. Chicago.
Fuck this place. Seriously. But... my sister's there... so... I have to go all the way out here in order to see her stupid, ever-so-lovely face that I miss so dearly. Bitch. I'll just wait until that despicable snow melts away. FUCK snow.
5. Juarez, CH, MX.
My bro has been asking us to go visit him for nearly a year now. He'll only be there until November... after that he returns to DC for a few months... like... 11. He thinks we're not proud of him for living in this WIDLY dangerous city... but that's far from the truth... we just shit bricks thinking about having to breathe there for longer than twenty minutes.
6. Washington DC!
YEAH, BOY! HELL YEAH! I ADORE this city. It's SO fucking dope, and there is SO much to discover each time. I'm excited just remembering my brother will move back here before the year's over. Man, I missed this place!
7. San Jose, CR.
I miss my babies! They're so huge now! I go to the store and buy these girls shit all the time. I have a stash, my "CR Stash" I'm already planning on filling my suitcases with for my when I visit these lovely humans again. Must return this year... MUST.
8. Cancun, MX.
I promised my godson I'd visit him. So far, this one seems like the one closest to actually happening. Time frame is mid-February, since my Dad was a jerkwad and booked a Cuba trip for March 4th. He doesn't return until mid-March... and that's like... Spring Break time. I DON'T want to deal with that fucking retarded crowd. Ever.
9. HOMETOWN, MX.
God... it's terrifying, but I really, REALLY want to return. I also sort of promised my friend I'd be her bridesmaid this summer. That would require me to head out there. Dear lord.
10. Mexico City, MX.
This city has been on my list for over a decade. I HAVE visited the airport twice... with layovers that were each well over three-hours long, but I never saw the sights... besides what I spotted from the plane. So much history and culture is here, I don't think I can last longer without finally giving it the proper respect and attention it deserves.
11. Barcelona, Spain.
Now here come the lofty plans. I HAVE to return to Europe. I have to. It's been five years. I'm overdue for a visit... especially now that I can fit properly in their stupid barstools.
12. Paris, France.
FUCK FRANCE! But... I have to return. I have to give this place another shot. Everyone I know has had a wonderful time here... and from what they tell me, people are sweethearts. It'd be great to learn I didn't waste four years of my life learning about these people.

And now for that wild 13.
13. Berlin, Germany.
JC has been asking me to finally visit him... and I... well, it's a hard sell. Not knowing a lick of the language of a country I'm visiting freaks me the fuck out. I managed to find my way around Italy because of my orchestra knowledge... and Italian music and movies I've always listened to... but German? Yeah, no. I know the words "nein" and "Schwarz"... where will that get me? Yeah, I know they are nice and speak English to idiot tourists like me... but that only makes me feel like an asshole. However any time I spend with JC is always a wonderful time. That crazy kid knows how to make me laugh, how to get me to be outgoing, and when to be "classy." I'm sure he'd make my visit memorable... and I'd hopefully come out of it alive... he IS crazy after all.

No idea if I'll do all these trips alone... I trust I can handle a good few with just me and my charming smile.
Feel free to sign up to be my travel-buddy at any time. I think I'm pleasant... as long as we don't get lost... or I'm hungry. That turns me into a giant monster.

"Oh no!" wimp

I'm on time, I'm on time!
Yeah, ok, I sort of cheated.

Eventful day, I guess... so eventful, I nearly fainted twice.
It's all good, I just have to learn to quit being so fucking stubborn.

Thing that cracks me up about fainting is how freaked out it makes me... well, the moment where I sense I'm about to blackout (obviously once I'm blacked out I don't give a shit... considering I'm unconscious and all).
Prior to passing out, I can feel my heart race and my conscious always says the same thing: Oh no!
I don't cuss... I don't ask for help... I just think "OH NO!"
When my fright manages to keep me awake, I then proceed to freak out some more... mentally.
I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Idon'twannadie!

Once I sense myself coming back... I proceed to smile or laugh.
Yeah... I'm the bitch constantly complaining about life and how I don't care if I get struck dead any second... but the moment I feel myself "leaving" I freak the fuck out and mentally scream how I fucking love life. What a pussy.

I am such a wuss.

Fishy 2013

Haaaa! And just when I make my resolutions, astrology stops me in my tracks and freaks me the fuck out.
It's on the money, not gonna lie.
How the fuck is this... how do they... fuck, man...
(Like how I play catch-up? I'm a master of procrastination!)
Check it. My year according to... some astrology dude or something like that:

2013 is nothing short of stellar for you, Pisces. By summer, you're ready for the grand water-trine influence as Saturn, Jupiter and Neptune all flow together in Water signs to make magic. Your powers of psychic perception and healing have never been stronger. Your ability to create glamour, weave fantastical illusion and provide invisible-but-potent healing to others is beyond measure. Others will feel inextricably drawn to you without understanding why. This is excellent for your star potential as others sense something extraordinary and sublime in your presence. People want to have you around as much as possible even without fully comprehending why. The best part is that people are willing to pay big bucks for whatever it is you have to offer and no matter how intangible it may seem. For once, you won't feel like the oddball, freak or the perpetually misunderstood alien in the crowd but rather the mysterious-yet-sought-after special someone that others cannot resist. It's all part of your otherworldly glamour and mystique. Work it, Pisces! (No idea about this, but that would be dope. The bold is what I find to be true, obviously)

Let love rule in 2013, Pisces. Born under the sign of compassion, you live for the exchange of true heartfelt energy. Romance for you extends far beyond just the coupling relationships of dating and mating. You're often in love with your entire social circle, not to mention animals, plants and even some beautiful seemingly inanimate objects. (but not like that lady who "married" the Eiffel Tower...) All is alive and endowed with feeling in the life of empathic Pisces. There's a reason you're called the 'bleeding heart of the zodiac'. You tend to fall in love with those you need to help, educate or save in some way. In 2013, you're adding the requirement of long-term stability to the mix. Your standards for a serious partner are more rooted in loyalty and consistency than ever before. You want staying power, which means giving up the unobtainable relationship pattern. The part of you that's drawn to the projected ideal of a person is being replaced with a serious reality check, compliments of Saturn in Scorpio (NO MAAAAAMES! How the FUCK did you know that?!). Intimacy is now what you crave, and that requires stability, reliability and trust. Such character traits need to be shown to you in the real world from now on. No longer will you fall in love with someone's potential. You've been burned too many times trying to play the role of the wounded healer, Pisces. (BOOM! Left me speechless. ... the fuck is up with that?! P.S. I don't "crave" intimacy. Intimacy can go suck a dick)

The powerful eclipse points only intensify your desire for a solid mate (NEGATIVE!). You also find that you're more drawn to someone incredibly grounded if not bordering on earthy, someone real and sensual instead of fleeting and elusive (well, that DOES sound interesting. "Someone sensual"... hahahaha!). You want more tangible proof of your partner's affections instead of allowing yourself to get lost in love for the sake of love. You realize that you have to relate with your mind and the instincts of your body just as much as your heart. Letting your overly tolerant and permissive heart make all of the decisions has only proven detrimental in the past. Employing more discrimination and higher standards can only serve you well in the elimination process. Your friends and family will be thrilled instead of having to counsel you off the ledge of yet another self-sabotaging relationship where you give everything and receive little to nothing (sorry about that, guys...). 2013 is all about radical transformation and self-empowerment -- especially in intimate relationships. Rock on, gold dust woman! (Money... fucking money here. DAMN IT, creepy astrology!)

Success in your career endeavors is contingent upon the amount of energy you're willing to put into expanding your current sphere of expertise. You can sense that it's time to widen your professional horizons, Pisces. When you're fully able to access the power of your imagination, there's no limit to what you can do (ya heard?). 2013 brings plenty of potential for enhancing your current skill set. The eclipse patterns impact both your higher and lower mind, giving you a profound opportunity to tap into your deep well of wisdom. Your work is important to the world, and you're finally starting to realize that you have knowledge to share. No more playing invisible, Pisces. It's selfish not to share your gifts. (My bad...)

Neptune continues to shower your world with glamour. If you're not in high art, fashion, dance, spirituality, healing or anything that involves your imagination, you're probably not feeling fulfilled or even close to living up to your true potential. This is the year to pull everything into alignment. The beauty of being born under the constellation of Pisces is that you're endowed with infinite gifts all seeded in the depths of your imagination. All you have to do is create enough structure and discipline not to float into a dream world that never takes form in the physical universe (Well, I'll be fucking damned if that's not fucking on the money!). Once you start to materialize your vision, you're golden. This is what 2013 is all about for you, Pisces.

Scary.

But like... true.

"Gold Dust Woman"... I might like that one more than... I think it was "Enraged Shark"... 

Nah, I'll always choose "Enraged Shark." Suits me better.

Resolutions v.2013

Damn it! I was going to update yesterday, to finally have a year where my number of updates equals out to the number of days in the year (fail for 2012. Missed 366 entries by a little under 100... 97? Something like that. That's a little over three months... didn't feel like I did that, but the numbers don't lie).
I was supposed to post resolutions... but I guess I was bogged down by the constant pondering.
Truthfully, I don't know what I want.
Sure, I want to remain healthy... keep up the workout routine... but that doesn't change so I don't feel like talking about it.

As far as resolutions revolving around social interactions go: I don't have any. Well... maybe I'll resolve to repair some of the friendships that have deteriorated over the last few years due to my depression... and low-carb rage.
You'd be surprised how many people get offended by the shit I tweet, which often-- usually-- is not directed at them BY ANY MEANS. I guess I'm just offensive by nature. Or maybe people expect me to be a pleasant little saint... a doormat, and when I open my mouth to express an opinion, which often contradicts their own, I get kicked out of their club of hypocrites. I'm sweet and considerate, but if I feel you're getting too outrageously irrational, I'll call you out on your bullshit... that, or if I feel your ego is getting too big and you're crushing too many hearts-- I'll take pleasure in taking an ax to that inflated self-image of yours. Maybe that's what pisses people off? They think my quiet, passive nature means I'm dominated and a just one of their cronies? Sadly, the people who treat me like this are usually family... so I can't just walk away. Instead, I have to continue going to parties and get togethers where we coincide... and shit is just awkwardly quiet where we have to greet each other courteously before both our parents make shit even more awkward. Don't nobody need an intervention during Posada Night #9.
SO! Ok, I'll work on fixing this issue. I won't bite my tongue when one of my cousins is being a shithead... but I also won't harbor so much fucking resentment towards HIM or her (female cousins hardly piss me off, now that I think about it... except for the older ones... those ladies... yeah, never mind, THEY are the ones who piss me off most... with their archaic beliefs snooping around MY business). We. Will. Be. Friends.
Good lord, help us all.

As far as my heart, my "love life," "romance," is concerned: it's dead. Non-existent. Done. Gone. A non-issue.
Now, more than ever, I'm sure this was never meant for me. Ever. Spending any time on this is a waste. Ain't nobody got time for that.
It brings unnecessary pain and worry... and really just turns my brain to shit.
Just like some people don't like the taste of protein powder, I fucking love it. Just like some people would kill for Hawaii-imported pineapples, I'd mule-kick anyone who'd offer me that shit.
Some people are meant to love and have a family and blah blah blah... but a few are meant to just roam the Earth alone-- I am one of the latter. It'd be foolish of me to think otherwise.
Love. Doesn't. Exist. (For me)
Companionship. Doesn't. Exist. (For me)
And that's that.

My "career"? (question mark goes inside or outside of the quotation marks here?) Haaaaa! Give me a minute, I need to scoff real quick.
Ok, so... I shouldn't scoff just yet. I do have plans... I actually HAVE set plans into action here. This is what happens when I convince myself not to fuck around with "love" or any of that nonsense.
My method of getting off the floor and dusting myself off is by putting shit into action. I fall from the imaginary, romanticized world I live in... the fall each time harder than the last, I face-plant for a couple of days... months... sometimes years... but the moment I decide to stand up and take the dirt off my shoulder, I go HARD.
Sure, I lose more of the sweet, soft AnoMALIE... but it's the price I pay for ever putting down my guard.

So... for 2013, I resolve:
1. To be nicer, more forgiving.
2. No "love" or any of that dreamy bullshit.
3. Action! Drawing, writing, the whole bohemian shebang!
and of course...
4. Travel like a motherfucker!

REsolutions, duh

2012 Resolutions:

1. I will work on my road rage-- curbing it, that is.
2. No more barking at people... it's fucking ugly.
3. I WILL bench 150! (I tried while in Chicago, and I left a little "forget me not" on Coconut's concrete basement floor... from where the plates hit full speed when I tossed that shit off me. SO embarrassing)
4. I will squat in the big boy room at the "scary gym."
5. I will not fear carbs. They are my friend. They are my friend. They are my friend.... yeah, not working.
6. I'll smile at least once a day. THAT I can try.
7. I'll make... two new friends. Lowballing the number because I doubt I'll interact with others much this year, though I enjoy this task (even if it initially intimidates the fuck out of me). I love "how I met you" stories... mainly because other's stories of how they met ME start with "I thought you were a bitch." Always pleasant to hear.
8. I'll talk. At least... I'll try... for at least half an hour.
9. I'll smile at minimum two strangers a month. This I find fun, because it's rad to see their face change with delight. It's cool.
10. I'll master the basic pistol 
11. I'll be less cynical. Not less sarcastic... ok, maybe just a little... a little less sarcastic. 
12. I will not waste a single day laying in bed, sleeping my life away. I did that shit four times this year. That's fucking four times too many. 
13. I will forgive without resentment... and I'll trust without... paranoia. 
14. I'll be a sweetheart at the gym. I'll forgive the stupid newbies who invade my space... or I'll just give them a gentle nudge with my weights to let him/her know there's more to come if they don't get the fuck out of my way. 
15. I. Will. Not. Scream.

Obviously a must on the first of the year.
Time to reflect on last year's resolutions and see how I managed to mangle that shit.

1. My road rage. Umm... I kind of refrain from being my usual Chola persona behind the wheel... mostly because I'm no longer in a rush to get to places... unless I really have to go take a piss. A girl with an urgent need to piss is NOT a pleasant thing.
2. Barking at people. Ummm... I have... well, the AMOUNT of people I've barked at has significantly decreased... but I now bark VICIOUSLY when the time comes. I've gotten pretty ruthless. Nasty, really.
3. BENCHING! 150 was NOT met, but I do bench 10kgs heavier than I did last year, so that's a plus. 150 was TOO ambitious. My chest isn't THAT massive. I hit other spots instead... my back inadvertently being the biggest winner.

Just let me... admire that delt real quick, I don't get to see it w/o the help of a mirror.
(people thought I was showing off my bicep. NOT true. My bicep is weak as fuck)

4. The Big Boy room! I DID NOT do it at my gym, but I DID try it with my godson in September. He has a lovely weightroom in his house that I used ONCE, because I'm a bum. He corrected my form, and the results were quickly noted. Crazy how your ass (literally) will shape up in as little as two months the moment you quit being a shy fuckhead in the weightroom.
5. Carbs. I went back to those badboys in September. I hit that shit HARD. My mood showed improvement almost immediately. I loaded up in December, and yesterday, the cutting cycle once again began. I'm sorry America, I'm sorry Universe... but I'm going to be one cranky bitch for the next few months. Is it crazy that I'm a little excited?
6. Smiling at least once a day. FAIL. I did smile a lot, and I DID try my hardest at being nice and friendly... but sadly, I had some very rough days. At least I tried.
7. Making two new friends. I killed in this department. SMASHED this number. Like I said yesterday, I even acquired a family (last night, we Skyped and counted down together as a way to say goodbye. Those babygirls were so happy. They fill my heart).
8. Talking for at least half an hour. Not exactly sure why I made this a resolution, or what I meant by it. Talk every day? Or talk at every social occasion? Regardless, I would say I failed at times, but due to suddenly turning into an only-child in 2012, I was pretty much forced to be more social, since I no longer had D to answer FOR me. I still remained the quiet girl at numerous social occasions.
9. Smiling at, minimum, two strangers a month. Umm... I think I actually did this. While I became vicious with my family, I was rather pleasant and friendly to strangers.
10. Mastering the pistol-squat. Jesus, this was hard! I definitely did not master it, since I still can't get too low with my foot completely parallel to the floor, but I'm definitely able to do single-leg squats. Mastery might come about this year, fingers crossed.
11. Less cynical, a little less sarcastic. I was SO GOOD at this for so long... then came... November, I think? Maybe October, and I just because outrageously cynical. Embarrassingly cynical.
12. Not spending a single day laying in bed, wasting my life away. Umm... let's see... I guess I can say I passed this, since even at my lowest, I still managed to... wait, no, I had two days of being too annihilated to get up. Perfectly excusable occasions, but like always, I pulled myself together and life continued for me.
13. Forgiving without resentment, trusting without paranoia. DONE! This shit right here burned me, but... I guess it did make me a better person. You have NO IDEA how difficult it was for me to get over my resentment/hatred for those two-of-three "enemies," and while one of those is now bugging the fucking shit out of me, I'm glad I was able let shit go.
14. Being a sweetheart at the gym. HA! Hahahaha! Ok, yeah, I'm pretty nice, and I now have a "crew" at the gym... and people now know me by name in there (it makes me a little sad that they greet me so warmly, while I sit there smiling damning myself for being such a lame-ass who never catches people's names. I'm a dick), I HAVE had moments where I shoot daggers at idiot newbies. Kickboxing is just... never ask me to be a nice person in kickboxing. You're never sweet when beating the shit out of someone, so calm down.
15. I will not scream. Ooops! In arguments, I lowered the tendency, but these last two times I argued with my brother I couldn't help but raise my voice... fool is a vet army sergeant, it's a given that guy is going to get in my face at deafening volume. I also screamed a lot in December. It's liberating.

Jesus. I was hella pushing shit with 15 resolutions. Fuck.
This year? Umm... I'll come up with a list tomorrow, possibly.
BUT! So far, I have these crazy amazing prospects in the horizon I fear I won't mention until shit becomes more concrete... I don't want to spoil shit like I tend to do.
2013 is going to be one motherfucking amazing year, and I don't need astrology or numerology to tell me that shit.