"It's my birthday today :) "
"NOBODY CARES!"
I haven't announced that since that day... I think I was turning 5, when my cunt of a baby-sitter/cousin said that to me.
There's a fine line between being sarcastic... and being a thoughtless, mean-spirited piece of shit. She was the latter.
I no longer make a big deal, but I do appreciate any form of acknowledgement... now, even the "Happy bday" and "hbd" messages.
I never imagined I'd make it to 29. Honestly. At any age, the furthest I thought ahead was 26. I thought about being 26 as a kid, mainly because that's when I calculated I'd be done with school (I don't really understand my math, but keep in mind my folks only made it to 6th grade).
Once the teens hit, I swore I wasn't going to make it past high school. Each year only brought forth heavier problems... more painful shit to handle as quietly as possible. In 9th grade I swore I was just going to kill myself and get it all over with.
But I held on.
In my early 20's I swore I was going to die of some health-related issue... but I still stand.
Mid twenties depression struck harder than ever. Then I swore I was just going to dissolve into non-existence.
But I'm still here.
20 years ago, as a nine year old, I remember that year as one of the most tumultuous of my life. A NINE year old.
Last night I went to bed remembering what life was like TWENTY years ago... and I damn near had a panic attack.
4th grade was horrible. Horrible, humiliating, painful, and traumatizing. I don't even remember what my 10th birthday was like. I just wanted to be dead.
I've outlived 9 by two decades.
Yet the scars are still there. When anyone presses that button, I crumble completely.
I don't even know what to expect, or what to ask for, now as a 29 year old-- I never expected to see this number.
I don't know whether to be excited or upset.
"NOBODY CARES!"
I haven't announced that since that day... I think I was turning 5, when my cunt of a baby-sitter/cousin said that to me.
There's a fine line between being sarcastic... and being a thoughtless, mean-spirited piece of shit. She was the latter.
I no longer make a big deal, but I do appreciate any form of acknowledgement... now, even the "Happy bday" and "hbd" messages.
I never imagined I'd make it to 29. Honestly. At any age, the furthest I thought ahead was 26. I thought about being 26 as a kid, mainly because that's when I calculated I'd be done with school (I don't really understand my math, but keep in mind my folks only made it to 6th grade).
Once the teens hit, I swore I wasn't going to make it past high school. Each year only brought forth heavier problems... more painful shit to handle as quietly as possible. In 9th grade I swore I was just going to kill myself and get it all over with.
But I held on.
In my early 20's I swore I was going to die of some health-related issue... but I still stand.
Mid twenties depression struck harder than ever. Then I swore I was just going to dissolve into non-existence.
But I'm still here.
20 years ago, as a nine year old, I remember that year as one of the most tumultuous of my life. A NINE year old.
Last night I went to bed remembering what life was like TWENTY years ago... and I damn near had a panic attack.
4th grade was horrible. Horrible, humiliating, painful, and traumatizing. I don't even remember what my 10th birthday was like. I just wanted to be dead.
I've outlived 9 by two decades.
Yet the scars are still there. When anyone presses that button, I crumble completely.
I don't even know what to expect, or what to ask for, now as a 29 year old-- I never expected to see this number.
I don't know whether to be excited or upset.
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