Little Guy Friends

I'm not surprised to know when a new rumor about me finally gets to me.

I AM, however, always surprised when I find out the culprits behind the stories.

It is always a family member. Always.

For the last six months or so, I've noticed my dad getting more distant from me.

I had heard how he became wildly upset when D left, because his idiot friends at work wormed the idea the D only left so she could let loose her inner slut.

I thought maybe Dad was holding some resentment towards me because maybe he thought I was keeping D's secret.

Finally, I was let in on the reason behind Dad's apprehension.

After a few months of not stepping foot at Mom and Dad's place, I went ahead and hung out with my folks and their coworkers for a few hours.

Everything was fine, and we were all laughing and telling stories, then my folks had to leave the building to fix an issue at a separate building.

I was left alone with the cashier and his dad-- who is also my first cousin.

The conversation was somewhat awkward, since this cousin is almost 20 years my senior. He was asking me questions, and I was answering.

Then he ruins everything with the stupidest question anyone can ask me:

So, what does the good ol' boyfriend have to say?

I looked up from my phone and made eye-contact with my cousin.

Me: I don't have one.

Cousin: Oh, so you just have "little guy friends."

Me: Friends.

The conversation was in spanish, so "little guy friends" is more like saying... fuck buddies. I knew he meant this because of the look on his face when he said it.

I felt as if I had been shanked in the gut by an icicle.

YOU!!!!

Everything made sense.

I KNEW I should have blocked him from my Facebook.

It's one thing for others to think I'm an easy whore-- I don't give a fucking shit what they think about me-- but when that shit gets drilled into my dad's head, and he BELIEVES it, it really fucking upsets me. I DO care about that... about what my progenitor thinks.

Finding the person(s) responsible for poisoning my dad against me infuriates me, not only because it makes me want to beat their fucking smug face, but because I CAN'T beat their stupid ass. 

That look of triumph they throw at me... as if they're fucking all-knowing... that "HA! I knew you weren't a good girl! ALL girls are whores!" look... it kills me. It makes my chest burn with hate.

The way my cousin looked at me, I could tell all he was thinking was that he somehow knew my "secret."

This girl is unmarried because she's too busy fucking all those guy "friends" of hers! You don't fool me, you sneaky hoe!

It makes me sick.

You're making my dad upset thinking he has whores for daughters all because you're fucking bored and want to gossip like some fucking women at the nail salon! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Only ONE guy in this entire STATE knows what my fucking lips even feel like... ONE GUY. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE with your fucking judgmental comments and fucking fables.

I don't understand why they'd take this BULLSHIT to the next level and try and convince my father that I am NOT the sweet innocent girl he thinks I am. WHAT concrete evidence do they have to hurt me like that? Some fucking photos on FACEBOOK, where the most I'm doing is HUGGING someone? Where the fuck are we living, again? Iran? Get. THE FUCK. Out of here!

But... I have to take a deep breath and calm down. There is no way I can control what other think of me, or what they WANT to believe.

I know what's up. I know that I am... damn near a fucking saint, and I don't care to "prove" anything to anyone.

Like I've said before:

Bring me ONE guy who can say he has ever touched me. Just ONE, and I'll let you talk all the shit you want.

Good luck.

Lagalities

Fuck, man!
I promise I've been trying to catch up with the updates, but sometimes it's just too damn impossible.

I've been busy dealing with my Godson.
His contest was this past weekend, and while he did win "best body," he didn't make the top 5.

I don't think he's depressed... but as is customary with our family, he's angry.
It's what happens when you become disillusioned.

These three were the winners:
1st place:

2nd place:

3rd place:

My godson:

FAAAAAVORITE photo.

I've had the job of talking to the relatives states side.
I've also been having a back and forth with Godson, convincing him that:
Babe, I don't care what the outcome, and I don't care that we're related, but I'm serious when I say: You were the best. Don't let this shit get you down. Please.

Let's be real:
* The winer looks like he's sniffing cat piss... and he probably fucked the guys and girls running the show. Come on now. Let's not kid ourselves.
* Second place... well, not gonna lie, I liked him. He's handsome. When I think "Handsome Mexican Man" I do think of this sort of guy. Only part I'd be able to critique would be his ass. It's odd. But other than that, the son of a bitch is handsome.
* Third place. Don't get me started on Third Place. It's something I'll never understand about fucking Mexico. They're so into the European-look bullshit. Which is retarded. If they wanted European looks, for an international setting, guess what? A REAL European will take the crown... not a Mexican of European decent. They have the legitimate Euros in the competition... so why don't you just select a MEXICAN look to represent MEXICO? Tan is where it's at, idiots. When Miss Mexico won Miss Universe... what did she look like? That's right, like a tan, brown-eyed, brunette MEXICAN. Not a blonde, blue-eyed, Mexican of European decent. And this kid... COME ON! COME ONNNNNNN! He has no definition... whatsoFUCKINGever.

I'll never get you, Mexico. Bunch of morons. Bunch of self-loathing, racist morons.

Anyway... that's pretty much what I've been telling my kid.
As far as the stateside relatives, I've had to reassure them my kid is ok... and that they shouldn't pity him. I've been dealing with texts similar to this:

And my answer has typically been along these lines:

Then it snowballs into this agitated exchange:

Don't act like you give a fuck. "Legalities of it"... ? You mean "politics"? Because "legalities" are non-existant here.

So... hmm. Interesting couple of days to come, I'm sure.
AngroMALIE is sure to stick around a bit longer.

Nice AnoMALIE

My cousin, while not one of the brightest pregnant girls in the universe (after about the seventh baby outfit she opened up during her baby shower, she exasperatedly said "Why do all these clothes come with a bib?!!?" Not only that, but she's also having the kid with a deadbeat lame ass, and I think that's one of the dumbest things a girl can do), is probably one of the prettiest.

Awww... I'm so nice today. No rants or anything.

I'm in a fantastic mood because today I get to go to one of the best concerts ever!

Enanitos Verdes, Aleks Syntek, La Quinta Estacion, and Hombres G!

All in one place... playing the same concert.
Man... I type that and I can already feel myself screaming.

What's best about this?
I don't have a crush on a single one of the band members in any of the bands, so I'm really in it this time for the music.
God, I'm such an adult now.

What does suck (ok, so I do have to rant just a little) is that they chose The Joint as the venue.
I despise that place.
I lose five days of my life just standing in all that damn cigarette smoke.
I also come out of there traumatized for a couple of days because people are so damn touchy-feely there.
I'll never forget that damn breast "massage." Maybe if the masseuse would have been just that one dude... but when a chick also rubs up on my chest... well... that's just a little too much.

Medicinal, my ass!

I've mentioned many times on here that I'm quite the gullible imbecile.
Here's another example why:

My godson, this wonderful kid: (That day in Mexico was pretty fun... even if I only ate a chicken taco... God, I hate eating)
He's quite the example of good breeding.
Back in elementary and middle school, he was the top student not only of his school and district, but of the entire state he lives in (Durango, in Mexico). Once high school came around the corner, he became more interested in the ladies... and while his grades haven't slipped, he isn't THE smartest kid in his grade (he's friends with this one boy who won some sort of national math competition).

Well, I know this little fact of his smarts not diminishing, per se, just... lessening... but still, whenever he tells me something relating to nature i.e. everything on roosters (his dad's quite popular when it comes to rooster breeding. He has international fame-- I say that because he's known of in the Philippines, haha), snake breeding season (usually the time I'm down in Mexico... stupid ugly ass scary snakes), or the healing powers of plants, I'll believe him wholeheartedly.
The latter I want to dive into a little deeper.

During the first week and a half of August, I hung out with this one girl that's from Cabo San Lucas and was down visiting my little Mexican town because her best friend is from there (the singing sensation I've mentioned once or twice in here). This girl was very, very cool. She cracked me up because she was terribly outgoing... and did crazy shit to amuse us all.

Well, this girl had this huge wart on her left index finger that was the first thing you noticed if she ever made a fist because it's on the right side of the finger.
We all know how fond I am of warts... but this girl, knowing full well the wart was something not very attractive to me (but it wasn't like I stared at the thing either... I didn't even acknowledge it)... made a joke out of it. I mean... I never met anyone that made me laugh because of the way they treated their wart, but she sure changed that.

So this chick, as fond as she may have been of her wart, was also looking for a way to get rid of it.
That's where my godson comes into play.

Godson: Oh! Have you heard of ciricua? It gets rid of warts and also heals deep cuts without hurting any other part of the skin.
Cabo Girl: Really? I wanna try it! You guys have some really weird healing tricks I'm stoked to try out!
Godson: It's this leaf that burns the wart off.
Cabo Girl: Burns?... OK, I'll do it anyway.
Godson: Don't get freaked out when you see what it does to your skin...
Cabo Girl: O...K. When are we doing this?
Godson: I have to go out and look for it in the sierra... so maybe... in two days?
Me: I wanna do it!
Cabo Girl: You have a wart?
Me: Not really... but I wanna see if it fixes two of my fingers!
Godson: Don't worry Madrina (godmother), I'll get you some too.

So it was settled.
However, my godson managed to find the plant when it was too late for Cabo Girl. She left last Thursday from Mexico, and it was last Saturday when my godson found and brought me the plant.
He came over to the house, two of his fingers wrapped with bandaides, and showed me the leaves. He asked to see where I wanted to place them... and seeing as how the areas were small (my right thumb and my left ring finger), he said he'd do it before we started watching "Pan's Labyrinth" and take it off once it was over... to make it two hours that I'd have the plant on my finger.
He smashed the leaf on my fingers, made me get him two bandaids to cover the leaf as it rested on my finger, made me wet the finger to get the area a little humid... and smashed the bandaid with his nail to make the plant secrete more juice.
He then told me I was going to feel it burning me as time went on, but to not mind it.

Ok... so the first hour it was alright... I was expecting to feel the flames of hell or some shit, since I noticed my godson was scratching like crazy the place where he had the leaves placed.
Instead, I felt an occasional tingling going on in my thumb, but nothing on the ring finger.

Then I saw what my fingers were going to look like... why? Because my godson removed his bandaides and washed off his fingers.

They were black.

Godson: Yeah... your fingers are going to be stained black wherever the leaves touched... but don't worry... nothing bad happens to your healthy skin... just the wart.
Me: What the hell?! You mean I'm going to have to walk around with black fingers? I have church tomorrow! And how long does this damn shit last?!
Godson: I don't know... my mom didn't tell me that.
Me: Shit... there's a lot of shit your mom doesn't tell you.

Even after that exchange, and against my better judgement... I left the damn bandaides on for another hour.
By the time I was washing off the leaf juice, I was burning like a motherfucker and my fingers were super black... and not to mention getting blistered! (Photo taken about three hours after removing the bandaides. You can't really notice it, but my nail was starting to turn purple/yellow)

Regardless of the unsightliness, I thanked my godson... and believed every word he said.
Godson: The wart's just going to fall off... like... crumble.
Me: Wow... amazing. Mexican medicinal plants are the shit!

Well, ladies and gentlemen... they're not!!!
It's been a fucking week, exactly... and my fingers are still black... my thumb still has a blister the size of... an extra thumb... and nothing has "crumbled" off.
That Sunday I found out you were only supposed to leave the leaves on for 15 minutes.
I had it on for two hours!
(Photo taken as Godson and I looked outside the Internet Cafe window while we waited our turn for an open computer. Hand to the right is mine, the one with the fucked up middle finger is my godson's hand)
I've had to carry on this past week like some damn... black plague carrier... or frostbite victim... constantly putting on bandaides if coming into contact with another human is required that day in order to hide the unsightliness of my fingers.

The worst was on Thursday, while I was making the trip back to the U.S. My thumb swelled to its biggest level that day. I went as far as putting on a bandaid five minutes before crossing the border... out of fear that the border patrol officers would become suspicious of my condition and not allow me entrance to my own country until a certain amount of days in quarantine... and I have school to attend Monday... so fuck that shit.
In order to go to church today, I had to place bandaides on both fingers so people wouldn't be frightened to shake or hold my hand.

Ah, my godson... such a sweet kid... but he fucked his godmother up good (I feel the liquid in my blister shake whenever I move my thumb around... it's so damn gross and painful. Stupid Ciricua plant).
(picture taken today, like... right now)

The day that keeps getting weirder

Man, oh man... there are days that I just know will not be right from the get-go.

I had nightmares all last night. I'm guessing it's from all the physical exertion of the last couple of days.
I forced myself to wake up once this pleasant dream of taking in three stray kitties turned to the kitties stabbing me with their sharp kitty claws. Those kitties then transformed into evil Labrador puppies that were growling at me, ready to pounce.

Fuck that... nothing worse than having the most adorable creatures wanting to hurt me...
So I forced myself to get up.

I then decided I wanted breakfast.
As I was cooking, I spilled some milk all over the top of the stove. I turned the stove off, grabbed three paper towels, and went to work.
Well, in my hurry to get the stove clean, I had forgotten it was still hot, and I ended up burning the shit out of my fingers.
I also burned my tongue when I started eating, but that always happens. That's why I hate hot food.

Then, after the whole burning of the fingers/tongue, I decided to shower.
Well, right as I was ready to get in, I heard the doorbell.
It sounded like the person outside really was in a hurry to get in, so I though:
Fuckin' Little Sister! Can't she use her damn house key?
Thinking it was Little Sister and some sort of... emergency (she has a thing for losing/breaking keys) I wrapped a towel and headed for the door.
But who was at the door for real?
Not my sister... just some UPS guy.
Shit... aren't there like... pornos that start out this way?
I most nearly slammed the door in his face... but I decided to sign for the package (it was a big package... so I was curious as to what was inside).
I've never been so mortified (at least the towel was new... I would have killed myself had I been using one of our ghetto towels).

I wasn't even out of the shower when my sister let me in on some family news:
(screaming from the other side of the door)
Sister: Hey! Is it OK if we go see Ocean's 13 some other day?
Me: Yeah, sure (it's not like I want to see the damn thing. My Matt Damond crush was so 2003-2005!)
Sister: Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna go see Crazy-Driving-Cousin because she got a boob job.
Me: (internally) lalala... wait... (aloud)Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
Sister: Exactly! That's what I said.
Me: How the... when the... whaaaat?!
Sister: She got 'em done Monday. I called her today to see if she wanted to come along to watch Ocean's 13 with us... and she was like "Oh, I can't. Hasn't anybody told you?" and I was like "No..." and she was like "I'm on bed rest" and I was like "Oh my God! What happened?! Are you ok?!" You know, thinking she got major surgery done or something. And just as I though "Shit, did she get a boob job?!" she goes "I got my boobies done!"
Me: Wowwwwwwwwwww! No wayyyyy.
Sister: Yeah... I know!
Me: Man... that shit ain't fair.
Sister: Tell me about it! Fuck it, man, I'm getting mine done, too!
Me: Fuck that, I'm the one with big boobs in this family!
Sister: Shit... I'm hitting the gym harder now.
Me: Shit... me too... fuck that, man... I'm getting a six pack. I'm motivated now... more than ever to be in go-go dancer shape. Fuck this.

Yeah. I never thought I'd be so pissed about one of my family members getting plastic surgery... but apparently I am.
I screamed "What?!" so much that I started to get light-headed.

I am curious to see what my cousin looks like, though. She was pretty flat-chested... and it was weirder when she was chubby... because flat-chested fat girls look weird like a motherfucker. She's thin now, and I didn't think her chest was a problem... I was a little envious, in fact... because in her size, she could buy cute bras anywhere. I hope she has fun buying lactating-mother bras now... because bras in the D range really suck. They're ugly and hard to find in this stripper-infested city.

Shit dude... my cousin (that I can still remember crawling around in my living room) got a boob job!

Can't wait to see what the rest of this day has in store for me (I better not end up in a cast or some shit)!

***UPDATE***
5 PM- Sister came back from visiting Crazy-Driving-Cousin and it turns out, she only got corrective surgery... but still, they were her boobs.
Sister accompanied CDC to the doctor and thanks to that, Little Sister no longer wants any sort of surgery.
I guess some good did come out of this wackiness.

However! I did get some more strange news that only helps make this day more memorable:
One of my friends, a dude I did have a crush on a while back (shit, I still sort of had it until about a month ago, when he did something that irritated me), has "finally jumped out of the closet" (I love how the person who told me this said "jumped out," it cracked me up).
I can't say I was shocked (he once dated one of my friends and then dumped her out of the blue. His excuse was that "she wasn't outgoing enough." We didn't understand, seeing as how the girl's a Spanish singing sensation. Now we know the truth... she just didn't have a penis)... but I was a little bummed. He's a cute boy... and very funny... and very cool... but he can be a self-absorbed jackass (I mean, he's capable of annoying me to the point where I lose all romantic interest in him. That takes a lot, seeing as how I'm constantly crushing on one guy or another).
Too bad.
:(
But I still love him either way.
:)

Where the hell are you going?

Talk about addictions: Geeze!! 19 year-olds these days!
My cousin, the one with the weirdo tattoo of the letter "A," and also the one who tYpEZ Nd tALks LyKe diSS OMG! hAHa! Yey! YipPEe sKipEe! She's gotten yet another tat:I must say... I'm starting to get VERY envious... and I'm a push away from telling her to start picking nicer tattoos! Who the hell does she think she is? Popeye?!

One thing's for sure: If this kid gets another one... I'm gonna have to say "Fuck it" and just get mine... at least mine has a damn meaning... unlike Mademoiselle Popeye over there.

P.S. I'm so freakin' addicted to that stupid commercial about the Springs Preserve! That song is so, SO catchy. I find myself bouncing to the song... and a huge smile crosses my face... and that dumb little turtle is so fucking cute! But I can't find it on-line!! I want that fucking song! (The entire commercial wouldn't be too bad either. Stupid adorable commercials. How come I can easily find the Orbit commercial with the Lint Licker line, but not this one? Yeah, the Orbit commercial is awesome, but I also want cute!)