(What should have happened)
Me: Bye Mom, bye Dad.
(notice ex-boyfriend-thing at the other side of Dad's bed... along with his stupid piece-of-shit cousin I hate with a passion and if it were up to me, I'd kick his fucking ass and then have him deported back to Mexico... the cock-sucker -- gee, hate much? What ever gave you that idea? Anyway, I roll my eyes, but greet them with a hypocritical, huge smile)
Me: Oh, hey fuckers! Well... I'm off to the gym! Don't ever do as much as look in my direction again, yeah? Peace.
(What really happened)
Me: Bye Mom, bye Dad!
(notice ex-boyfriend-thing at the other side of Dad's bed... along with the cock-sucker I despise, and I walk over to their stupid side to give them the mandatory Latin Hug-and-kiss. God, I hate being a Latina sometimes)
Ex-Boyfriend-Thing: Hey AnoMALIE! It's been ages!
Me: (internally) I know motherfucker... you think it's accidental? I work hard at keeping it that way, menso! (spoken) I know! What has it been... over a year now?
EBT: Yeah... something like that, AnoMALIE!
Cock-Sucker-I-Despise: Que, yo estoy pintado aqui o que? (roughly translated to "What? Am I painted over here, or what?")
Me: Oh... (internally) bitch, you don't even exist in my world (spoken) Oh, hey CSID. (Unlike with EBT, I don't think twice about being rude to CSID)
CSID: Yeah, I saw you at the Enanitos Verdes/Hombres G concert last month.
Me: (internally) How could I forget, bitch, you ruined the night.
CSID: Yeah... I saw you give me the cold shoulder... or... you could have been busy.
Me: (internally) Fuck you. Calling me out in front of my parents... you fucking little snitch. Pussy. (Spoken) Oh, no, I saw you. I gave you a head nod... but come on... it was Enanitos Verdes! I love them... I'm in my own little world when they play.
(CSID gives me his trademark smirk that makes me want to slap the taste out his mouth)
EBT: I was there too... but I didn't see you, AnoMALIE...
Me: (internally) Maybe because your little underaged girlfriend keeps your leash too short, idiot. (spoken) Oh, hmm... I didn't think you liked Spanish rock... (internally) you always listened to soft-girly "rock" singing about "como te va mi amor, como te va? En el silencio la pregunta entre tu y yo." At least, that's the only thing I ever heard in your car.
EBT: I think we should hang out more, AnoMALIE!
Me: Yeah well... what can you do? (internally) And what? Have me killed by your possessive, psycho, alcoholic kidlover? Pass!
Dad: But you just finished school... you have a ton of free time now!
Me: (internally) Thanks a lot, dad... why don't you just take your Oxycodone and sleep a little, yeah?
(I smile... I imagine it similar to the smiley faces kids draw with a squiggle for a mouth)
EBT: That's great, AnoMALIE! I'm planning on going out tomorrow...
CSID: For his birthday!
Me: Oh yeah, huh! (internally) 2007-1979 (spoken) You're... 28 tomorrow! (internally) Old man! Why can't I forget your birthday?
EBT: Yeah, so... I think we should hang out.
CSID: Come on! For his birthday!
Me: (internally) I fucking hate you, you parasite!! (spoken) Well... I don't know... I'm sort of busy on Tuesdays (internally) Shit! It's The Biggest Loser season finale tomorrow!
Dad: Doing what?
Me: I... go to the gym until around 10... so I come home around 10:30... I don't think I can go out that late... right, parents? (internally) Yes! I win!
Dad: Oh... isn't that normal for kids your age?
Me: (internally) God... it's 8:35... I gotta jet if i want to make it on time. (spoken) Yeah, I guess... look, it was nice talking to you guys again, but I'm going to be late for class! (internally) Yes! I win again! Quick exit, quick exit!!
EBT: So it's a yes?
Me: Yeah, sure, ok. I'll see you tomorrow.
(I start walking out of the room)
CSID: You're going to need her number
Me: (internally) You fucking maggot. (spoken) Yeah, *say number out-loud* Just ask Mom for it.
I then got in my car and thought about carbon monoxide poisoning (I kid. But I did feel especially shitty at the moment).
Why... oh why can't I be as blunt as I sometimes wish I could be?
Now I have a... now I get to celebrate someone's birthday (crazy how not even my gym attire and pig tails deterred him)... and fear for my freaking life thanks to an overzealous, psychotic girlfriend (Seriously, if I don't report myself in two days, call the fucking cops... his girl's a nut!).
Why can't I be a bitch when it's imperative?!
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