I'm making my max effort at being pleasant and forgiving.
I'm trying so very hard to NOT talk shit and just get over the drama.
The trashtalking homegirls have really gotten under my skin, but a few weeks ago, I decided to clean the slate. I made the resolution to let it go.
This past weekend, with the death of my uncle, I've spent time with my dad's side of the family... the ladies who are selling those magical pills I was accused of using. After seeing them, I finally understood why so many people have made the assumption that I did the same thing as these ladies.
This has only facilitated my resolution of forgiving and moving the fuck on.
Today, I was quick to answer my phone after seeing it was an unknown number. I thought it was someone asking for a reference, so I didn't think twice about answering.
"Hello! This is *trashtalkingchick*!"
Yeah... it was THE girl. The girl I was getting ready to throw down with this May.
Fuck.... FUCK! What the... fuck!
Me: Hey! How are you?!
And we talked.
She was inviting me to the bachelorette party... since she was put in charge. Of course.
Afterward, she asked me for Mooney's number, which I refused to give out, since I personally loathe people giving away my number so free. I told her I'd let Mooney know, since I see her regularly.
She then grumbled "And Lau... if YOU want to."
If I want to? THE FUCK? She's YOUR cousin... you have her number... call HER. Grow up. Shit... you have a mouth-- a BIG one... use it.
I just giggled and agreed.
She stayed on the line, not wanting to hang up. She asked me how I was doing THREE times. She then asked me if I had any questions. Then she said it was good to hear I was good.
I was just standing completely frozen in my hallway, quietly wondering what her problem was.
I tried ending the conversation twice, but she didn't want to kill it.
I don't feel she wanted to fight or argue... but the opposite. I think she wanted to clear the air, which honestly, she doesn't need to... I probably do, if anything. I should probably just let her know that I heard some of the claims she was making, which admittedly might have become distorted as they made their way down the grapevine, so I hold no grudge. I WAS angry, very angry, but I let it go. And that I apologize for purposely making her feel bad... because I know I DID actively seek to piss her off and offend her.
But I didn't say anything. I just answered her questions as nicely, as friendly as possible, and promised to forward her message.
HOWEVER this truce, this desire to be civil, is being threatened, since Lau isn't as forgiving. She HATES this girl.
I love Lau, she's my homie... but I can't join her in this hatred... this unforgiving hate. She might be able to handle it, but not I. Hate really is toxic to me... and it makes me a horrible person, and it... it overpowers me. MY "horrible person" is a truly HORRIBLE person... I have too many places to draw from, and I'm sure few people know that-- because apparently I've done a great job at making my life seem like an enchanted fairytale. When I set my mind to verbally/physically hurt someone, I don't just hurt, I obliterate. Once I turn this version on, it becomes nearly impossible to turn it off until I dismantle my target.
Some folk think it's amusing, but the entire time, my fucking soul is hurting... because I don't WANT to be terrible, I just AM.
I don't like that version of AnoMALIE. At all. It embarrasses me. It drains me.
I don't know if everyone has this problem, but due to this, I always try to mediate.
My mediating doesn't always work... often I just gain two enemies with a mutual hatred of ME.
In this instance, I'm trying not to partake in the trashtalking... but I also don't want Lau to feel like an outcast. I just want her to move on... to forget about everything... or just be apathetic to this cousin of hers.
We'll never again be a group of happy friends, but we can all at least be civil to one another.
I hate this.
I'm trying so very hard to NOT talk shit and just get over the drama.
The trashtalking homegirls have really gotten under my skin, but a few weeks ago, I decided to clean the slate. I made the resolution to let it go.
This past weekend, with the death of my uncle, I've spent time with my dad's side of the family... the ladies who are selling those magical pills I was accused of using. After seeing them, I finally understood why so many people have made the assumption that I did the same thing as these ladies.
This has only facilitated my resolution of forgiving and moving the fuck on.
Today, I was quick to answer my phone after seeing it was an unknown number. I thought it was someone asking for a reference, so I didn't think twice about answering.
"Hello! This is *trashtalkingchick*!"
Yeah... it was THE girl. The girl I was getting ready to throw down with this May.
Fuck.... FUCK! What the... fuck!
Me: Hey! How are you?!
And we talked.
She was inviting me to the bachelorette party... since she was put in charge. Of course.
Afterward, she asked me for Mooney's number, which I refused to give out, since I personally loathe people giving away my number so free. I told her I'd let Mooney know, since I see her regularly.
She then grumbled "And Lau... if YOU want to."
If I want to? THE FUCK? She's YOUR cousin... you have her number... call HER. Grow up. Shit... you have a mouth-- a BIG one... use it.
I just giggled and agreed.
She stayed on the line, not wanting to hang up. She asked me how I was doing THREE times. She then asked me if I had any questions. Then she said it was good to hear I was good.
I was just standing completely frozen in my hallway, quietly wondering what her problem was.
I tried ending the conversation twice, but she didn't want to kill it.
I don't feel she wanted to fight or argue... but the opposite. I think she wanted to clear the air, which honestly, she doesn't need to... I probably do, if anything. I should probably just let her know that I heard some of the claims she was making, which admittedly might have become distorted as they made their way down the grapevine, so I hold no grudge. I WAS angry, very angry, but I let it go. And that I apologize for purposely making her feel bad... because I know I DID actively seek to piss her off and offend her.
But I didn't say anything. I just answered her questions as nicely, as friendly as possible, and promised to forward her message.
HOWEVER this truce, this desire to be civil, is being threatened, since Lau isn't as forgiving. She HATES this girl.
I love Lau, she's my homie... but I can't join her in this hatred... this unforgiving hate. She might be able to handle it, but not I. Hate really is toxic to me... and it makes me a horrible person, and it... it overpowers me. MY "horrible person" is a truly HORRIBLE person... I have too many places to draw from, and I'm sure few people know that-- because apparently I've done a great job at making my life seem like an enchanted fairytale. When I set my mind to verbally/physically hurt someone, I don't just hurt, I obliterate. Once I turn this version on, it becomes nearly impossible to turn it off until I dismantle my target.
Some folk think it's amusing, but the entire time, my fucking soul is hurting... because I don't WANT to be terrible, I just AM.
I don't like that version of AnoMALIE. At all. It embarrasses me. It drains me.
I don't know if everyone has this problem, but due to this, I always try to mediate.
My mediating doesn't always work... often I just gain two enemies with a mutual hatred of ME.
In this instance, I'm trying not to partake in the trashtalking... but I also don't want Lau to feel like an outcast. I just want her to move on... to forget about everything... or just be apathetic to this cousin of hers.
We'll never again be a group of happy friends, but we can all at least be civil to one another.
I hate this.
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