These last few days have been hectic. I think my schedule's finally going back to normal after tonight.
Funeral's are always interesting.
A gathering of Hometown people... who spend hours morbidly watching every last detail... critique everything from the lighting, to the casket, to the amount of crying being done.
It's frustrating.
Guys and girls gossip at the same level... although guys also spend this time trying to hook up. Of course.
This time, I definitely wasn't accosted. There was an awkward encounter in the parking lot as I made my way into the funeral home, and that one "AWWWWKWAAAARD!" guy from my cousin's wedding bumped into each other. Had it been up to me, I would have walked away without acknowledging him, but since Mom was with me, she pretty much stopped fuckin' traffic to greet the bitch.
But that's enough of that fuck.
For the most part, I was extremely sad at the funeral. Granted, that's how you're expected to feel... but I felt sad to a different level.
I was sad about my uncle, and seeing my loved ones all bummed out-- obviously-- but I grew increasingly sad as I paid closer attention to my surroundings. I felt SO. ALONE.
Life is so different without my siblings.
Who cares about friends and social lives... I'm talking my identity as a person... who am I without my siblings? Am I worth a damn?
Apparently, to the people here, not at all. I'm a ghost.
This position I always suspected, since I always knew people admired my brother for being so smart and out-going, and admired my sister for being so pretty. I've always been the "Oh yeah, the other one!" Now, without my siblings around, people are becoming blatantly obvious about their concept of me: none.
I sat with Mom and Mooney's family, and watched as my paternal-side cousins treated me like a stranger. They had their clique of girls, and there I sat, alone (Mom eventually moved me to the edge of the bench so she could chit-chat with her homies. I sat there staring off into space, occasionally dealing with a lady who'd accidentally sit on my lap-- seriously, smack-dab in the middle of my lap).
I immediately thought of JC, telling me I should never feel sad about this sort of deal... because it only has as much power as I wish to give it, in terms of hurting my feelings. I only allow them to exclude me. If I really wanted, I could enter the circle at any time.
I guess I could... but as a girl who grew up an observer of human behavior... I find it very difficult to force myself into anything. I just back up and... make the observation: Welp, as suspected, my dad's nieces don't give a fuck about me unless they need to kick someone's ass or they need a baby-sitter. Duly noted.
Not gonna lie, I felt the urge to cry when I saw the cousins went to check out Downtown as a group... and didn't even bother to TEXT me.
I don't care if friends do this, I expect it. It's NORMAL.
But family? When doing a FAMILY outing? It hurt.
Good thing it's over and I no longer have to subject myself to further torture.
Funeral's are always interesting.
A gathering of Hometown people... who spend hours morbidly watching every last detail... critique everything from the lighting, to the casket, to the amount of crying being done.
It's frustrating.
Guys and girls gossip at the same level... although guys also spend this time trying to hook up. Of course.
This time, I definitely wasn't accosted. There was an awkward encounter in the parking lot as I made my way into the funeral home, and that one "AWWWWKWAAAARD!" guy from my cousin's wedding bumped into each other. Had it been up to me, I would have walked away without acknowledging him, but since Mom was with me, she pretty much stopped fuckin' traffic to greet the bitch.
But that's enough of that fuck.
For the most part, I was extremely sad at the funeral. Granted, that's how you're expected to feel... but I felt sad to a different level.
I was sad about my uncle, and seeing my loved ones all bummed out-- obviously-- but I grew increasingly sad as I paid closer attention to my surroundings. I felt SO. ALONE.
Life is so different without my siblings.
Who cares about friends and social lives... I'm talking my identity as a person... who am I without my siblings? Am I worth a damn?
Apparently, to the people here, not at all. I'm a ghost.
This position I always suspected, since I always knew people admired my brother for being so smart and out-going, and admired my sister for being so pretty. I've always been the "Oh yeah, the other one!" Now, without my siblings around, people are becoming blatantly obvious about their concept of me: none.
I sat with Mom and Mooney's family, and watched as my paternal-side cousins treated me like a stranger. They had their clique of girls, and there I sat, alone (Mom eventually moved me to the edge of the bench so she could chit-chat with her homies. I sat there staring off into space, occasionally dealing with a lady who'd accidentally sit on my lap-- seriously, smack-dab in the middle of my lap).
I immediately thought of JC, telling me I should never feel sad about this sort of deal... because it only has as much power as I wish to give it, in terms of hurting my feelings. I only allow them to exclude me. If I really wanted, I could enter the circle at any time.
I guess I could... but as a girl who grew up an observer of human behavior... I find it very difficult to force myself into anything. I just back up and... make the observation: Welp, as suspected, my dad's nieces don't give a fuck about me unless they need to kick someone's ass or they need a baby-sitter. Duly noted.
Not gonna lie, I felt the urge to cry when I saw the cousins went to check out Downtown as a group... and didn't even bother to TEXT me.
I don't care if friends do this, I expect it. It's NORMAL.
But family? When doing a FAMILY outing? It hurt.
Good thing it's over and I no longer have to subject myself to further torture.
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