Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Comforting this baby

Enough drama.
Ha. Totally expected when I notice shit is going so smoothly... but the difference now is that I don't allow myself to wallow in the self-pitying shit for too long. Don't get me wrong, I was ridiculously sensitive all of Friday... randomly having tears streak down my face... and my fucking eyelids were a pink mess... but on days like that, I stay away from society as much as possible and entertain myself with either writing or doodling/painting.

I've noticed the people most adept at noticing I've had a shitty time AND TRYING to fix that are males. Girls seem to be aloof, or just too uncomfortable acknowledging a sad girl (except for my bestie. Well, we sort of do that thing where we ignore the problem, but try and fix moods by making the other laugh at silly stuff, which I certainly appreciate, because I'm pretty shitty at speaking about my tender, often-injured feelings. Too often my fucking sobs betray me and you just get an incoherent, violently shaking AnoMALIE... all scared-Chihuahua-like, nobody likes that). Guys on the other hand, turn so... umm... warm? Soft? You know, all those words associated with gentleness. Kind of like how most dudes behave when given that school activity where they are handed an "egg baby" and have to protect said egg for a week. Guys get all gentle, yet protective-- Get away from my goddamn egg. You might break it, bitch. Are you ok, Egg? Here, you're safer here.
Girls might approach you to talk... but see your busted eyelids and think "Whoa, messed up girl... I'll give her some space, she might be contagious. I might say something to make her cry... and then we'll just end up two girls randomly crying in public."
Dudes might be standing across the room, notice your fucked up eyelids, and make their way over to you to crack a joke, then add a reassuring squeeze to your shoulder... or some other comforting touch that melts your heart at the same time that it makes your bottom lip quiver. I choose not to make much eye-contact when such a thing happens, because the tenderness in their stare usually leads to me tearing up again, and all gains are lost... because I cry once they leave my side.

This is just my personal experience.
I'm sure plenty of girls out there go straight to their ladies to feel better... and probably DO get the comfort they need.
I just get the other side of the coin-- a very peculiar side, which still achieves the point of it all: to feel better, to get better. 

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