Thursday, September 18, 2014

parasitos me aman

Best part about acquiring a parasitic infection in your intestines while visiting Hometown? The part where your body's feeling awesome after a very miserable, bedridden four days... and then it's like "Just kidding, LOL!" and sends you back to rolling on the floor with your stomach pressed against the floor.

This sucks.

My first go at Hometown was rad as fuck... no illnesses, no sadness... just some good food, laughs, chill sunbathing, young men crushing on me like a bunch of middle-schoolers... just some overall amazing days, like the good ol' days (even better, since no boys liked me when I was a teen).
This time around? Only two weeks later? I was sick as fuck, only old people to be seen, AND these same old people calling me FAT.
Something's wrong when 18-30 year olds are calling my body bomb, and motherfucking 40-70 year old decrepit motherfuckers are telling me I'm fat... most of which were WOMEN (I came to the conclusion that all men think my body's bomb, and women just want me to be dead). Shit bummed me out for a little bit. I'm not mentally strong enough to handle stupid old lady snide remarks regarding my weight... it's something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life... fucking bitches (you'd think they looked good, but no, they sure as fuck don't... and I STILL let them get to me).
The crummy vibe situation was further aggravated by the fact that my third day into the vacation I caught some parasite and was rendered useless for four days. I have no clue where it came from, but my money's on the fucking water (see, our house no longer had cold water--that's right COLD water--so we did everything with hot water... this included showering. It was like skinning a fucking pig-- HOT AS FUCK. I'm a chump for heat [remember how I violently slap hot tortillas out of rage when they're too hot and burn my hands? I'm fucking rational like that], so each time I'd have to force myself under the shower head, I'd take a deep breath, only to release it with the shock of the painful water hitting my body. So, there I'd be, under the shower head, mouth wide open, cussing at the water and house).

"Oh, Montezuma's revenge!" you might say. Homies, I WISH I was shitting the whole time! Instead I sat through some horrible stomach spasms that felt like some fucking alien embryo was growing inside me... but no bathroom relief-- no shitting or pissing... just painful movements going on in the GI tract.
This happened to me two years ago, when I had to de-parasite myself... you'd think I'd be better at avoiding it... but no, I'm not.
That shit is weird... you spend a good five days thinking you're a fucking champion, no care in the world about your gut and what you're eating, then suddenly on day six you swear you swallowed a chainsaw that activated once in your intestines. You spend a couple of days praying to your favorite saint, bracing yourself for death, then suddenly the sunny days return... only to again see the return of the unbearable pain after a few functional days. Horrible cycle.

I only mention this now because I'm back to the stomach pains after having spent almost a week feeling great. I'm going on day two now. I was thinking I wasn't going to need the parasite-killing pills I was given last week (I need to take them a week after leaving Mexico to make sure I don't ingest any more parasites after taking the pills)... but no, looks like I do. 
It's either that, or have someone punch me in the gut every half-hour to kill this pain... or you know, just punch me in the face to knock me unconscious.


I need to quit loving third world countries this much... damn.

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