Monday, March 12, 2007

My bad... you PAID for me to know this

I love my auntie! She knows how to get me in trouble:

Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: I didn't know there was so much birth-control out there.
Me: Tons.
(I withdraw from the conversation and go back to my "Super Drop Mania" on the cell phone. This isn't going to end right.)
Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: Yeah, but I didn't know condoms were a sin for Catholics.
Auntie: Yeah... I heard something about that.
Mom: You should know this Comadre, you studied at a convent! Sometimes, you can get special permission from the...
(I didn't hear whom... Bishop? Pope?! I don't know. I wouldn't go that far in asking for permission to use a condom to anyone)

Auntie: I've never used one.
(By now, I'm wishing I had headphones on)
Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: That's all your son and I used before hearing about it in class the other day.
(Really wished I had headphones on)

Long pause. I look up from the phone... cousin in-law's staring at her fingers, Mom's staring at cousin in-law, Auntie's looking at the stove.

Auntie: How do you put it on?

Silence... well, besides my mom laughing.

Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law:
Your son does that.
Me: I've heard there are girls out there that can do it using only their mouths.

Silence. Cousin in-law stares at me, Mom glares at me, Auntie scrunches her eyebrows and places her hands on the table.

Auntie: Now why would you ever want to do that?

Silence. Cousin in-law stares at me, Mom burns a hole through me, and Auntie alternates between staring at the three of us.

Me: What? I go to college... I hear things.
(Super Drop Mania stage 10, level 8, here I come)

That is by far the quickest way to getting a dirty look from my mother. I'm surprised she didn't lean over to pinch me.


That is why I usually keep quiet... and all information to myself.

3 comments:

Kelley Karas said...

Oh geeze..
But! It's really not that hard to do..(theoretically) well, I did it to a water bottle(which I would assume would be thicker) with expired ones on a bet.. My advice would be to make sure it's not lubricated with spermacide other wise your tongue will be numb for a while and you might throw up later.

Yes. I am a h2o-oker.

Native Minnow said...

I'm reminded of the South Park episode where they're teaching sex-ed to the kids. Particularly the part where Mr. Garrison teaches the Kindergartners the proper way to put on a condom by demonstrating how to put one on a model with his mouth. So wrong, but oh so funny.

AnoMALIE said...

Ahaha... ouch... y'all made me laugh too hard.
(Once the son of this particular auntie dared me to do the above mentioned act to a banana with a cherry-flavored condom... and I thought "ew... in front of you? wtf? We're not from Kansas you fucking weirdo.")
(The entire time I was sitting at the table I was thinking of the same South Park episode and considering telling the ladies about it)