My bad... you PAID for me to know this

I love my auntie! She knows how to get me in trouble:

Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: I didn't know there was so much birth-control out there.
Me: Tons.
(I withdraw from the conversation and go back to my "Super Drop Mania" on the cell phone. This isn't going to end right.)
Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: Yeah, but I didn't know condoms were a sin for Catholics.
Auntie: Yeah... I heard something about that.
Mom: You should know this Comadre, you studied at a convent! Sometimes, you can get special permission from the...
(I didn't hear whom... Bishop? Pope?! I don't know. I wouldn't go that far in asking for permission to use a condom to anyone)
Auntie: I've never used one.
(By now, I'm wishing I had headphones on)
Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: That's all your son and I used before hearing about it in class the other day.
(Really wished I had headphones on)

Long pause. I look up from the phone... cousin in-law's staring at her fingers, Mom's staring at cousin in-law, Auntie's looking at the stove.

Auntie: How do you put it on?

Silence... well, besides my mom laughing.

Soon-to-be-cousin-in-law: Your son does that.
Me: I've heard there are girls out there that can do it using only their mouths.

Silence. Cousin in-law stares at me, Mom glares at me, Auntie scrunches her eyebrows and places her hands on the table.

Auntie: Now why would you ever want to do that?

Silence. Cousin in-law stares at me, Mom burns a hole through me, and Auntie alternates between staring at the three of us.

Me: What? I go to college... I hear things.
(Super Drop Mania stage 10, level 8, here I come)

That is by far the quickest way to getting a dirty look from my mother. I'm surprised she didn't lean over to pinch me.


That is why I usually keep quiet... and all information to myself.