Saturday night, one of my quiet "stalkers" gave himself away.
I've known the guy for over ten years, but if you rewind ten years, you'll find a chubby, shy, nerdy AnoMALIE (now you'll just find a shy nerd with a distorted self-image). He was quick to dismiss me as interesting because I wasn't a thin, "popular" girl.
He's cool with my sister, and Saturday night I learned the same goes for my brother.
I found him cute as a 17 year old, but never said anything because I knew I wasn't what he liked... so I would quietly sit away from the action and watched him play around with the pretty girls.
I'm not going to lie and say I didn't spend those afternoons wishing I could be one of those girls-- ditzy and idiotic as fuck, but so very petite and pretty... and popular.
Saturday night, as I was walking out of the ballroom to go with other members of the bridal party for some drinks (how's that for romantic? I'm a classy broad), I bumped into this dude. To my surprise, he smiled at me, and proceeded to speak to me.
Luis: Hey, AnoMALIE! You're here!
Me:... Wait... you know my name?!
Luis: Of course! You're D's sister. I saw your brother outside and asked about you. He said 'She's been living in Chicago for the last year, of course she's not here.' And I was like 'No, dumbass! I'm talking about AnoMALIE.' And now I see you weren't around because you were PART of the wedding.
Me: Ha. That's funny.
Luis: How've you been?
Me: I'm ok, I guess.
Luis: No, but FOR REAL... how are you? You doing better? You're ok?
There was this sincere sound of concern in his question... it unsettled me... but I smiled and began walking away, acting as if I was in a hurry.
Me: Oh, yeah, totally. Thanks.
I only complain on Twitter, and we have far too many friends in common.
Not to toot my own horn, but sometimes I say funny shit on Twitter, and get retweeted by some of our mutual friends... it's kind of how I see what he's up to as well.
Recently, my Tweets have been on the... maybe sort of suicidal side. Most of my guy followers have brought up my depressive tweets to my attention, quite concerned, actually... but I'm a stubborn girl... a stubborn, always very sad girl...
I don't know very many people out there who are in continuous suicide-watch... with a growing suicide-watch guard. I should probably be... grateful to have so many caring human beings in my life today, but it doesn't make the sadness go away... and I find the desire remains, regardless of how fantastic my day might have been...
The day can turn to shit in a matter of three seconds... the wonderful weekend can be decimated in the amount of seconds it takes to say "wife" (so one second?).
I'm not currently suicidal, by any fucking means, but I am sad... so very sad... with this heaviness in my chest from holding back my frustrated screams, my stifled tears.
This trip was supposed to be amazing, fun, hilarious, entertaining, smooth.
Instead, I enter it with the cavity in my chest raw--wide open... devoid of my heart.
I saw my heart get violently teared out of my chest by a fucking moron, thrown in the air, and smashed by a bat with all this idiot's might...
... and I'm now watching it shrink out of my sight over the hills, closer to the sun-- watching that dot disappear a little more with each passing second.
I've known the guy for over ten years, but if you rewind ten years, you'll find a chubby, shy, nerdy AnoMALIE (now you'll just find a shy nerd with a distorted self-image). He was quick to dismiss me as interesting because I wasn't a thin, "popular" girl.
He's cool with my sister, and Saturday night I learned the same goes for my brother.
I found him cute as a 17 year old, but never said anything because I knew I wasn't what he liked... so I would quietly sit away from the action and watched him play around with the pretty girls.
I'm not going to lie and say I didn't spend those afternoons wishing I could be one of those girls-- ditzy and idiotic as fuck, but so very petite and pretty... and popular.
Saturday night, as I was walking out of the ballroom to go with other members of the bridal party for some drinks (how's that for romantic? I'm a classy broad), I bumped into this dude. To my surprise, he smiled at me, and proceeded to speak to me.
Luis: Hey, AnoMALIE! You're here!
Me:... Wait... you know my name?!
Luis: Of course! You're D's sister. I saw your brother outside and asked about you. He said 'She's been living in Chicago for the last year, of course she's not here.' And I was like 'No, dumbass! I'm talking about AnoMALIE.' And now I see you weren't around because you were PART of the wedding.
Me: Ha. That's funny.
Luis: How've you been?
Me: I'm ok, I guess.
Luis: No, but FOR REAL... how are you? You doing better? You're ok?
There was this sincere sound of concern in his question... it unsettled me... but I smiled and began walking away, acting as if I was in a hurry.
Me: Oh, yeah, totally. Thanks.
I only complain on Twitter, and we have far too many friends in common.
Not to toot my own horn, but sometimes I say funny shit on Twitter, and get retweeted by some of our mutual friends... it's kind of how I see what he's up to as well.
Recently, my Tweets have been on the... maybe sort of suicidal side. Most of my guy followers have brought up my depressive tweets to my attention, quite concerned, actually... but I'm a stubborn girl... a stubborn, always very sad girl...
I don't know very many people out there who are in continuous suicide-watch... with a growing suicide-watch guard. I should probably be... grateful to have so many caring human beings in my life today, but it doesn't make the sadness go away... and I find the desire remains, regardless of how fantastic my day might have been...
The day can turn to shit in a matter of three seconds... the wonderful weekend can be decimated in the amount of seconds it takes to say "wife" (so one second?).
I'm not currently suicidal, by any fucking means, but I am sad... so very sad... with this heaviness in my chest from holding back my frustrated screams, my stifled tears.
This trip was supposed to be amazing, fun, hilarious, entertaining, smooth.
Instead, I enter it with the cavity in my chest raw--wide open... devoid of my heart.
I saw my heart get violently teared out of my chest by a fucking moron, thrown in the air, and smashed by a bat with all this idiot's might...
... and I'm now watching it shrink out of my sight over the hills, closer to the sun-- watching that dot disappear a little more with each passing second.
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