Bored? Well, do I have the place for you!

Who needs movies/television when I have St. Anne to entertain me?

I've been in and out of church so often in these last 4 days, that I have no clue what's really going on in the world (I'm in my "Sister-AnoMALIE" mode).
Sure, it's bummed me out (hella. I was in a good mood all of last week... then all of a sudden I feel heavy-hearted and sort of sick. It doesn't help that this morning I woke up knowing AOL had erased all my "Favorites" AND saved e-mail. That shit had me crying for a while. It took me years to accumulate some of those favorites. And the saved mail... well... some shit had been there since 2001), but yesterday just made everything worth it.

So, I'm not fanatical about religion or anything (Mom wishes... she constantly accuses me of being a bad Catholic, but I give her more than a few examples on how I could be worse) but yesterday's mass is my favorite mass of the year. For one, it's done later in the evening... so there aren't as many children crying and running around (I don't hate kids... but I just like to worship quietly... sort of like a monk). Reason number two is that we start off in complete darkness... and that's just pretty rad. Three: we get to use candles! The priest blesses the fire, and we all light our candles one by one using the same flame. It's just awesome... and not because I'm a pyromaniac.

Anyway, lately, the church has really been going down the drain. They don't take much care of it, and the congregation doesn't give much dough for renovations. We don't have air conditioning (it's gonna get real ugly come summer time), the benches are coming apart (that's fun. I feel like a gymnast sometimes when I have to hold myself up using only my toes when kneeling down), and worst of all: there's this one Salvadorian lady who has set up a stand of Pupusas a couple of feet away from the main entrance to the church.
Being that we don't have air conditioning, people prop the doors open... and guess what we sniff in the air? Why, nice "fritanga" air, of course! You smell grease, pork, cheese... and often lard... and it all seeps into church.
Is that AWESOME or what?
HELL FUCKIN' NO.

I didn't have a problem with this lady at first. I am empathetic more often than not. She started selling her Pupusas out of the back of her car in the church parking lot, and that was fine by me 'cause I felt bad for the woman.
Then, all of a sudden, she had a carpeted stand with tables and everything right in front of church. The fucking gall of the woman.
So anyway... this has been going on for about 8 weeks now, and it has really annoyed me. The straw that broke the camel's back though, was when I saw her stand on Friday. According to tradition, we're supposed to fast on Good Friday... and I had been doing just that. Once I got a whiff of the grease though, I can say I felt rage. Ignorant ass woman. However, I don't know who I was angrier with, the woman or the stupid asses who were buying Pupusas. It was horrible to see the people that were fasting... and how their faces turned like those of a torture victim once the air became saturated with the smell of cooking pork.

Anyway! Off that tangent. I've been annoyed, and I just knew they were going to wreck my favorite mass somehow (Yeah, Fritanga lady was there). It was semi-ruined... but the live entertainment I received ended up making my day.
There was drama, suspense, comedy, horror, and even action up in there. Worthy of running against any good movie I've seen recently.

Drama:
The priest's mic wasn't working... so for half of the mass (or the entirety of the darkness) most of us were absolutely lost. We had no clue what was going on... and little kids were freaking the hell out wondering why they were seeing fire at the entrance.
"What is he doing?!"
"I don't know... but something's gonna come out of that dark doorway!"
"I'M SCARED!!"

More in the drama category was this crush of mine... on the old married guy from the last entry. He looked so handsome... in his golden shirt (he had to wear it as part of the "uniform")... just like a trophy. He also read under the candle light... and his voice came out like thunder. H.O.T. Just awesome. Hot, deep voice.
I sat and wondered the whole time:
Could my crush get any worse? This is a married man! Skaaaaaaank!
Will this AnoMALIE drama continue? (Nah... it won't)

Another drama episode was a little girl behind me. She had a thing for crying:
Tennnnnnnnnnnnnngo Hammmmmmmmbreeeeee! Quierrooooooo Cooooooommmmidddddaaaaa!
Everyone heard... and I'm sure after a while, I wasn't the only one thinking:
Someone feed that little girl, already! She' hungry!
How long had this little girl gone without eating? Well, it was around 9:30 pm when her whimpering began, and she had been in church since 5:30 pm.
Poor child... being starved by her parents at such a tender age... and she cried out "I want food" until she fell asleep.

Suspense:
I don't really like fire. My siblings almost burned down our house not once, but twice back in the old neighborhood. Needless to say, I'm not too fond of flames. When we lit our candles, I did my best to keep it close to me, but not nearly close enough to catch myself on fire. However, there was this annoying bratty girl in front of me. The irresponsible mother let the girl stand on the bench, and while I frown upon kids ages 6+ standing on benches, I was more upset 'cause this 10 year old kid had very long, thick hair. Her hair was down past her butt... and she kept standing directly in front of my flame constantly swaying her hair from side to side like in the Herbal Essences commercials. Me, being the careful adult I am, tried my best to keep the flame away from the dumb kid's head... which ended up in me holding the candle at eye level.
So I basically played the Who's-gonna-catch-on-fire-first game. Would I accidentally ignite this dumb kid's mane or would I singe my eyelashes off first?
(I'm glad to announce no one caught on fire... but it gave the mass enough suspense for the rest of the year)

Horror:
The bratty girl sitting in front of me had an equally annoying older sister. Whenever Herbal Essences Model wasn't too busy trying to annoy me, it was her older, teenaged sister picking at her elbow that would catch my attention. She picked at her elbow so often, I found myself wondering:
Well, WTF does she have back there?
And that's when I peeked.

BAD IDEA.

She had, I counted, seven warts (jeez, I still get goose bumps just thinking about it) on the back of her left elbow.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
It was one of those things... where like with a bad train wreck, you just can't keep your eyes away from the carnage.
Horrible. Just plain horrible (some warts were budding off another... oh man... it was BAD)!

Under the comedy category a ton of things could be listed... I see everything as comical. Maybe I can list the Pupusa air invading the church as something comical... only in a Catholic church would you have something like that happening.

And to finish it off, we have
Action:
Ushers help the priest hand out the communion. Most of these people are older ladies (the men are too busy protecting the doorways, I suppose). They go up into the altar in order to receive the communion straight from the priest, and then head back down to hand the communion to the rest of the congregation.
Well, the oldest lady up there (in her mid 70's) must have forgotten there were stairs in her way... because next thing you know, all you see is a golden little ball taking a sweet ass tumble down to the bottom of the stairs.
It was around 10:30 pm, and half of the people there were sleepy... but this tumble woke most of us up.
"Mommy... why did she fall?"
"I don't know... because she's old?"
Well... there goes her hip. That's what she gets for trying to do her own stunts.
***
I'm just glad this week is done with... now these people can go back to their usual behavior of forgetting the church even exists... and maybe Fritanga lady will move her place of business elsewhere.

Beware Fritanga Lady! She looks innocent at first... then she takes over like crabgrass.