Oh, right, THAT'S why

Hearing a song playing in the background while having lunch and immediately recognizing the tune.
Oh damn... I hadn't heard that song in a while.
You take note to add it to your Spotify playlist when you get home.
This song is so fucking good... I can't believe I never added it to my playlists! It used to be the one song I listened to on repeat for years.

You get home, do you thing for a few hours, then remember about that one song at the restaurant.
You search for the song, add it to the playlists in which you feel it belongs.
You press play to refresh your memory.

And you fucking cry... a REALLY GOOD, MUCH NEEDED, SINCERE cry the moment the first four words are sung.
Chicken skin. Trembling legs and arms.
You immediately remember why it was never placed in your music library since that one infamous, disastrous Laptop Crash of October 2013 deleted all of your personal collection.
This song fucking murders me. I can't function like this!

Some songs only pick up more meaning the older you get.

Quedaté un momento así, no mires hacia mi,
Que no podré aguantar sí clavas tu mirada, que me hiela el cuerpo-- me ha pasado antes, que no puedo hablar.
Tal vez pienses que estoy loco, y es verdad un poco, tengo que aceptar. Pero si no te explico lo que siento dentro, no vas a entender cuando me veas llorar.
Nunca me sentí tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendí mientras callaba.
La vida me dijo a gritos que nunca te tuve, y nunca te perdi,
y mé explícaba que el amor es una cosa que se da de pronto, en forma natural-- lleno de fuego.
Si lo forzas, se marchita. Sin tener princípio, llega su final.
Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, que si me tocas, se quema mi piel. Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, y no te vuelvas si no quieres ver:
Que lloro por ti.
Que lloro sin ti.
Que ya lo entendí, que no eres para mi,
Y lloro.

Spanish, you're so hauntingly beautiful.

They'll Cheat You

Tit update: So much better. I'm pretty sure I smashed it with the barbell while bench pressing Wednesday afternoon... which makes a lot of sense because I'm such a fucking clumsy idiot. I've opted for leaving the body part alone and completely ignoring it... if I don't think about it, it's not there, right?

Anyway! I've been on an orchestra kick since returning from Costa Rica.
close to the end of my stay, the littlest of my friends pulled me aside to whisper in my ear.
Vale: Can you do me a BIG favor?
Me: Sure, what's that?
Vale: Can you play the violin for me? Even just a little?
Me: But I didn't bring it...
Vale: We can ask my grandpa for his... just so you can play a little... just a little... please? For me.

BabyGirl is learning to play the piano, and so one day, I sat next to her and played the few basic songs I know on the piano (you know, the ones that only require the use of one hand. I never took lessons, everything was by ear and stuff I did whenever I'd be alone in the music room, bored out of my mind). We began talking about the musical instruments we know how to play.

BabyGirl asked me while shoving her fingers in her mouth, which is what she does when she's TOTALLY shy about something.
I couldn't say no.
Me: Well... let's see if I remember anything...

Muscle memory is CRAZY. I was able to bust out a few CHRISTMAS songs... which cracked me up. There was also the obvious Vivaldi... everyone knows his jams.
I tried remembering the Disney songs I know (Little Mermaid and Lion King stuff... those movies are the shit). It made my little buddies smile and applaud. It was a little embarrassing, but very pleasant to make them happy.

Orchestra...
One of my first loves that taught me one of my first tough lessons about life: you get fucked... you get cheated.
We're told if we work hard enough, and put our heart into something, we'll be rewarded.
Lie.
I was naturally gifted... and I busted my fucking ass practicing every single day in that tiny house of mine... in the ghetto. No one else in my house knowing a thing about music.
I played my fucking heart out, and STOMPED my competition-- my friend who COULD afford years of private violin tutoring. I fucking DESTROYED her by playing flawlessly, in front of ALL our classmates. And they STILL gave her the top spot, as disgusted and outraged as it made the rest of the class... as heartbroken and embarrassed as it made me.
That was the first time I felt that kick in the gut-- the sting of getting cheated because someone else was more privileged.
"It's because... I KNOW she'll have it down by the time the concert rolls around... she has a private tutor," my instructor tried justifying, as I fought back tears.
And... I won't... because I'm... poor and can't afford a tutor? I just PROVED I can bust my ass and SHINE on MY OWN.

I got the acknowledgement from my classmates of being the best... but it didn't matter... SHE still got top spot, and played all the solos... SHE got to sit in that chair. To the audience, SHE was PRESENTED as the best.

What's the point of being "better" when it will never get recognized by the majority-- when you'll just be lost in the crowd?

She really was the best... but you know... First Chair had that expensive tutor... 

Dulzura

No,
porque tus errores me tienen cansado; 
porque en nuestras vidas ya todo ha pasado; 
porque no me has dado un poquito de ti. 
(No, 
Because your mistakes have worn me out;
Because everything in our lives has passed on by;
Because you haven't given me a single bit of you)
No, 
porque con tus besos no encuentro dulzura; 
porque tus reproches me dan amargura; 
porque no vivimos lo mismo de ayer.
(No,
Because I don't find any sweetness in your kisses;
because your reproaches only give me bitterness;
Because we don't live the same stuff of yesterday)
No, 
porque ya no extraño como antes tu ausencia; 
porque ya disfruto aún sin tu presencia; 
ya no queda esencia del amor de ayer. 
(No,
Because, unlike before, I no longer miss your absence,
Because now I enjoy thing even without your presence,
There is no longer an essence of yesterday's love)
No, 
aunque me juraras que mucho has cambiado; 
para mi lo nuestro ya está terminado; 
no me pidas nunca que vuelva jamás.
(No,
Even if you swore to me that you've changed a lot,
For me, our "thing" is over,
Don't ever ask me to ever return.)
No, 
porque ya no extraño como antes tu ausencia; 
porque ya disfruto aún sin tu presencia; 
ya no queda esencia del amor de ayer.
(No,

Because, unlike before, I no longer miss your absence,

Because now I enjoy thing even without your presence,

There is no longer an essence of yesterday's love)

No, 
aunque me juraras que mucho has cambiado; 
para mi lo nuestro ya está terminado; 
no me pidas nunca que vuelva...
que vuelva jamás.
(No,

Even if you swore to me that you've changed a lot,

For me, our "thing" is over,

Don't ever ask me to return...

to EVER return)

Just does not feel the same in English. But never mind that shit, I fucking LOVE how Alejandro stresses the word "ayer," aka "yesterday." Chills, baby, CHILLS!

I'm hitting the Spanish songs hella hard.
English classics are capable of reaching me, but... often times it's hit-or-miss with them.
Spanish lyrics just know how to deliver the KO punch.

Agustin Lara, Jose Alfredo Jimenez, even Juan Gabriel are a few example of composers who had/have extraordinary talent as far as eloquently expressing themselves is concerned.
Then you find people like Alejandro Fernandez, Vicente Fernandez, Michael Bublé, and even Andrea Bocelli covering the songs... and Jesus, is that some powerful stuff.

And just... spoken Spanish words versus English words. Spanish fluidity versus English flow.
Like:
Dejame vs. Let Me/allow me (the convenience of a single word, guys... it's not so... jolty)
Despojar vs. Despoil/strip (well that's just ugly. Spanish makes it sound so fucking sexy. "Dejame despojarte de todo lo demas..." vs "Let me despoil/strip you of everything..." Yeah, no bro, get away from me, creep!)
Estío/verano vs. Summer ("Summer" sounds so fucking pedestrian compared to "estío"... I mean, just SAY the two fucking words. Come on now. Whisper those words into someone's ear and get back to me on which one sends shivers down that person's spine. You're welcome)
Ausencia vs. Absence (One more syllable in Spanish... but it comes back to the sounds coming out of your trap. I choose Spanish)
Jamás vs. Never (Same case)
Adios amor vs. Goodbye, my love (fuck, enough syllables there, English? Bitch is around the fucking bend after the first two)
Desprecio vs. Contempt (as far as lyrics go, "desprecio" works a lot better, trust me on this)
Dulzura vs. Sweetness (sayyyyy it!)
Parranda vs. Night of harcore partying and drinking (where's the fucking English equivalent? Exactly.)

Now excuse me, I have more songs about drunk pigeons and magical aloe vera to listen to.

Princesa

Can't. Stop. Crying.

This right here, is my anthem. It completes me.

Invierno

Yo he visto en invierno volar avecillas, pidiéndole al cielo un rayo de luz. 
 La he visto más tarde cantar de alegría, cuando en el estío el sol alumbró. 

Terrible martirio es amar con locura sin estar convencido si me amas o no. 
He soñado mil veces que tu alma y la mía han ido formando un nido de amor. 
Yo he visto en tus ojos, querido amor mío, reflejarse un cariño que en mi alma nació. 
Pero duerme tranquila-- como duerme un niño que nunca en su pecho dolores sintió. 

Yo he visto a mi madre, a mi madre querida, llorar mi desgracia cual nadie lloró; 
Y un día, llorando me dijo, "Hijo mío, tan solo en la madre no es falso el amor."

I've seen that song with two different titles, I, however, only love one rendition of it: Invierno, sung by Alejandro Fernandez.
It is simple... but so full of truth and beauty.
And again, Spanish >>>>> English.

Music. Music helps so much.
Almost enough.

Un Animal

Good day, guys... such a good fucking day... I've been smiling and laughing so much, I fear those around me are going to have me committed to a mental institution.
But... she was so depressed not too long ago... now this? She probably has her suicide plotted out and we need to stop it before she goes ahead and does whatever crazy shit she has planned!
I hear that's what happens with people before they commit suicide... they're really happy and lovable the day before they go off and do the crazy thing...
But I swear to you that's not the case. I'm just so happy, and on a total upswing right now... I'm kind of fearful that the world IS ending... hence this strange string of blissful days-- the Universe's way to even the score.

Or maybe I'm just really amused when I make my poor, mega-Catholic, little Mexican mom listen to my favorite songs that may not be all too innocent.

I was driving her around town and my itunes shuffled to NIN's "Closer." Instead of changing the song, I increased the volume... as an experiment.
Me: GUESS why I love this song.
She's gonna kill me...
Mom: It sounds scary.
Me: It's awesome... and dirty... but fucking awesome!
Mom: AnoMALIE! Quit talking like a trucker! (she has this new thing where she accuses me of being a "trucker" whenever I get too vulgar or whatever)

The lyrics begin.
You let me violate you. You let me desecrate you.
Mom: Valgame Dios! (equivalent of "Oh my God")
Me: Shhh!
You let me penetrate you
Mom: OH MY GOD!
Me: NOT YET!
You let me complicate you.

I turn up the sound, my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. Mom was staring at me in disbelief, shaking her head in disapproval. This--naturally-- only made me giggle a little louder.
Help me, I broke apart my insides.
Help me, I've got no soul to sell.
Mom: Muy bonito... ("very nice," obviously said sarcastically)
Shakes her head again, a bit more intensely.
Me: Shhhh!
Help me, the only thing that works for me. 
Me: Get ready, get ready!
It feels like Christmas Eve!
Help me get away from myself.

I join in on the singing... emphasizing the obvious word.
I wanna fuck you like an animal.
Mom: ... of course.
I wanna feel you from the inside
Mom: Ave Maria Purisma, niña! ("Blessed Virgin Mary, girl!")
I wanna fuck you like an animal
Mom: That vulgar bastard... THAT'S what he is!
Me: The voice mom! The voice! It's sexy! ... and the lyrics are hot. It's some good shit, Mom, gotta admit it.
Mom: Que me van a gustar estas vulgaridades! ("Like hell I'd like these vulgarities!")

I like to torture my poor saint of a mother... so we listened to the entire song.
I know she ended up liking it... I mean, she was bobbing her head to it after maybe a minute.
I'll just let her keep denying the fact. I got you, Mom. No worries.

Un verso mas

Me miras diferente, 
Me abrazas y no siento tu calor.
Te digo lo que siento, 
Me interrumpes y terminas la oración. 
Siempre tienes la razón. 
Tu libreto de siempre-- tan predecible-- ya, ya me lo se.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón. 
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el mas veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar. 
Así que corre como siempre, no mires atrás. Lo has hecho ya, y la verdad me da igual.
Ya viví esta escena, 
Y con mucha pena te digo no, conmigo no.
Di lo que podía, pero a media puerta se quedó mi corazón.
Tu.... libreto de siempre-- tan repetido-- ya no, no te queda bien.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón.
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el más veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar.
Así que corre como siempre, no mires atrás. Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Tu el perro de siempre los mismos trucos.
Ya, ya me lo se.
Así que corre, corre, corre corazón--
De los dos tu siempre fuiste el más veloz.
Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya, que mis lágrimas jamás te voy a dar.
Han sido tantas despedidas que en verdad dedicarte un verso mas está de más. 
Así que corre como siempre, que no iré detrás. 
Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual.
Lo has hecho ya, pero al final me da igual. 

That song is so incredibly beautiful.
Freakin' song has been stuck in my head for months.
Something about songs in spanish seems to hit me harder. The language is gorgeous... something I wouldn't have admitted to at a younger age, but now I certainly do. Yeah, I find Portuguese to be romantic and fluid... but there is no mistake that spanish has... this remarkable depth. At least for me it does.
To prove my point, let's translate this pretty little thang into English... mainly translating the meaning, not word for word, because then it would be quite nonsensical, obviously:
You look at me differently,
You hug me and I don't feel your warmth.
I tell you what I feel,
You interrupt me, finishing the sentence.
You're always right.
Your usual script--so predictable-- I, I already know it.
So just run, run, run, baby.
Of the two, you were always the quickest (fastest).
Take everything you want, but leave already, though I will never give you my tears.
So just run, like always, and don't look back. You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.
I've already experienced this scene,
But I'm sorry, I have to tell you no... this time you're not performing it with me.
I gave what I could, but halfway through the door my heart stayed behind.
Your... usual script-- so often repeated-- it no longer, it no longer suits you.
Therefore run, run, run, my love.
You were always the fastest of the two.
Take everything you want, but leave already, though I'll never give you my tears.

So just run, like always, and don't look back. You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You: old dog, same tricks. I, I know it already.

Therefore run, run, run, my love.

You were always the quickest of the two.

Take everything you want, but leave already, though I'll never give you my tears.

We've said so many farewells that quite truthfully, dedicating another verse to you is overkill.

So just run like always, this time I won't go after you.

You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You've done it before, and quite truthfully, I couldn't care less.

You've done it before, but in the end, I couldn't care less.

Yeah... in spanish that song blows my mind. Translated, it's... eh.
De cualquier modo, el sentido de la canción me llega.
"Dedicarte un verso mas está de más."
Oooorale...
Pero neta, ya me harte.

In other news: I really need to find a pond to toss rocks into. I'm feeling restless.
I'm getting in that bitchy mood again... I need to find some sort of escape before I once again start barking at people.
At the gym, ladies have gone out of their way to inform me I'm "tough." Every single time, I kid you not, the lady has been a foreigner... so I don't know if it's a good thing.
They've checked out my weights, approached me, said something along the lines of "You are one tough girl..." and then proceeded to stand in the opposite side of the room... as if I'm going to use my heaviest plate to break their head open (which, I mean... there are days when I do consider beating some stupid bitches with the bar, but it's not like I'd actually DO it... I'm a nice girl, remember? I just shoot daggers at them with my stare... though recently I have patted a few on the back as they creep into my personal bubble. Sure beats the time I kidney-punched the stupid cunt who wouldn't move the fuck out of my way in kickboxing... that felt good as hell, but I'm not sure I'd do it again).
Maybe I'm just turning into the Hulk and not notice it... ?
Ha. Right.
Which reminds me: I'm NOT the Hulk... but I am also NOT skinny.
At the wedding this past weekend, I heard the term "Skinny Bitch" and "Skinny Mini" so often in reference to me, I seriously had to ask the last chick to "just call me 'bitch'."
I don't know where they're getting the "skinny" from... since... NOTHING about me is skinny... well, besides my stupid ballerina wrists that could be snapped in half by an eight year old.
People are SO going to get the wrong impression of me...
I can already see it: PersonA tells PersonB "AnoMALIE's SO skinny!" then PersonB looks at me and notices EVERY spot I'm not skinny... which, like I said, is everywhere BUT my wrists.
Such a thing happened with Pacemaker over this same weekend. Girl would NOT stop staring at my stomach, particularly, the belt area of my pants.
She stared at my belly as if she were looking for an alien to pop out of it... that, or to find some sort of tummy-tuck scar.
I don't have washboard abs (I HIGHLY doubt that will ever happen, considering how fat I allowed myself to get. It's just physically impossible without surgery), but if I flex in a sportsbra, I do acquire this sweet-ass almost-three-pack at the very top of my ribcage... three-pack because I'm stupid and much stronger on my left side than right side. I'm lopsided. Of course. Since I can never be normal.
Anyway, apparently this is too suspicious, and Pacemaker spent the weekend unable to keep her eyes off my belly. Uncomfortable as shit.

So yeah, there you have it... my fucking rambling self going on boring tangents, as is customary.
I should start taking meds.

Every time she closed her eyes

So what was the verdict? Six more weeks of winter or something like that? I'm Mexican... we don't do this shit.

I can, however, relate to the movie "Groundhog Day." That was pretty much my 2011.
But I won't let it be that way this year. I won't live in a perpetual Groundhog Day... no matter how often I hear Coldplay's "Paradise."
I had never paid attention to the lyrics until the other day, and I started to cry... right there in the gym's parking lot... like the overly-sentimal loser that I am.
But seriously, it's like Chris Martin read my diary and wrote that shit for me:

When she was just a girl 
She expected the world 
But it flew away from her reach so 
She ran away in her sleep and dreamed of 
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise 
Every time she closed her eyes 


When she was just a girl 
She expected the world 
But it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth 
Life goes on, it gets so heavy 
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes 
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dreams of 
Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise  


And so lying underneath those stormy skies She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

But it's February... it's 2012... I'm not going to be sad and mope around the house... or in my car.
Curse you, radio!

Todos dicen que soy...

Note to self:
Don't EVER listen to this song while intoxicated.
El Triste, sung by Jose Jose


Fuck how old this footage is... this man's interpretation is MAGICAL and timeless.
Ufff!
And the lyrics, well, what can I say about the lyrics besides "ding-ding-ding!"?


Que triste fue decirnos adios,
Cuando nos adorábamos mas.
Hasta la golondrina emigro
Presagiando el final.


Que triste luce todo sin ti.
Los mares de las playas se van.
Se tiñen los colores de gris.
Hoy todo es soledad.


No sé si vuelva a verte después...
No sé que de mi vida será...
Sin el lucero azul de tu ser,
Que no me alumbra ya.
(WAAAAAAAA!!!)


Hoy quiero saborear mi dolor.
No pido compasión ni piedad.
La historia de este amor se escribió
Para la eternidad.


Que triste todos dicen que soy.
Que siempre estoy hablando de ti.


No saben que pensando en tu amor,
En tu amor:
He podido ayudarme a vivir.
He podido ayudarme a vivir.


I relate... oh, how I relate.
I'm one of those giving you a standing ovation, Jose Jose! The video gave me goosebumps TWICE.

Now avoid this joint when you're... even tipsy, you'll make a scene... not that I made one. No, no. I'm good, remember?

A little bit of nothing

It's no secret I get most of my depressing songs form Native Minnow. He has an eye for songs I'd probably never find on my own.
He has a new mix posted on his blog, and once again, while I like all the songs on the list, I found one that got me immediately. The melody, the lyrics, everything:

Thanks for Nothing by Middle Brother (Just the title told me this song was going to be a winner. AND, I'm a middle child... so you know I sympathize with anything relating to middle kids)

I got off of the plane ok
Now I have a city to myself--
The strangers in the coffee shops, the sidewalks, and the way the evening smells.
But none of it distracts me in the ways that I had planned...
Or brings me back my smile like I was hoping.
Now there's a distance between me and the world that's offering its hand...
And I have you to thank for that, thanks for nothing.
(story of my motherfucking life RIGHT THERE. When I first heard this, I froze in place to listen, 'cause I could have sworn I wrote those words in my paper journal at some point)

It's probably raining off in London if it's snowing here in Nashville Tennessee.
Oh, I hope he's taking care of you, and showing you you're where you need to be.
But I don't want you to leave him once he gives himself away,
The way a match looks after it is done glowing. (This simile of the match squeezed my heart. It's fucking depressing!)
Oh, you don't know how it feels to think you'll never be the same...
And I have you to thank for that, thanks for nothing.
(the way his voice trails off at the end of this "thanks for nothin'" makes me frown and fight some tears, actually. His voice is SO SAD!)

Now the only girls I meet all look for hearts that they can fix,
But mine is more like a kid that has gone missing.
Now there's a pretty girl in front of me I know I won't let in.
And I have you to thank for that, thanks for nothing.
Oh, I have you to thank for that, thanks for nothing.

(Just imagine that "girls" is "boys" in my situation)


So yeah, I spent the day listening to the depressing mix... holding this song on repeat for a couple... dozen times.

Then I remembered I wanted to be happy... so I went ahead and began cooking for everyone.
As I pulled out some eggs, I remembered what day it is-- the first day of summer, aka Summer Solstice.
Thanks to being an obnoxious little girl who was WAY too fond of Nickelodeon, I remembered a little bit of knowledge "Stick" (DON'T act like you don't know what I'm talking about! "Write to me, Stick Stickly, P.O. Box 963, New York City, New York state, 10108") passed on to me-- today is one of two days of the year where you can make an egg sit "upright."

I killed an hour and a half fucking around with eggs. Even Mom joined me (Rafa didn't, because he couldn't do it... the impatient loser).

Started out easy... but I'm ambitious.
See all those eggs on the left? I was hellbent on getting ALL of them upright.

My masterpiece.
Science is wonderful.

And like that, my mood got chirpy again.
I love being a ten year old girl.

All clear for NYC

Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially booked my flight to NYC.
A while ago, I was stoked about it... you know... when I thought I had a chance to possibly live there... but now, it's kind of a drag.
"Look what you could've had" sort of deal.
Fuck you, New York!

I'll be running around New York for three days, collecting anecdotes and all that junk. I'll then move on to Princeton for another three days, where I'll probably be bored to death.

I don't have much to say besides that.

Mmmm... a little more to complete the 100-word requirement?
I'm kind of addicted to Adele right now.
This song, in particular, is on repeat:


Fucking sad bullshit-ass songs... always getting stuck in my head.

GOD, I LOVE CUSSING!

Pendeja ilusión

This cold weather needs to go away, it's making me have nightmares... the "action-packed" style of nightmares. I get tired even thinking about it (Ah, man! Running away from armed gunmen again? Can't I just dream about sea monsters or something that requires me to sit perfectly still and quiet? It's still a nightmare, but I can.... a fuck! Bombs?! You serious?! Ok, I'm running).

Anyway, como me siento? Así:



(And that is why more people should listen to Chopin)

No la puedo escuchar sin querer llorar. Me imagino la letra en español, y es entonces cuando se me escapa una que otra lagrimilla.

Divina ilusión... que yo forjé. Un sueño fue... que no se realizo.
Sin tu calor mi alma morirá, pensando siempre en ti.
Dulce amor ven a mí.
Recuerda, mi bien, lo que tu y yo soñamos siempre para nuestro amor.
No puedo mas.
Siento que mi alma se desgarra, pues le faltan las caricias y los besos de tu amor.
Ven dulce bien, dame la ilusión de saber que al fin de mi serás.
Divina ilusión que yo forje. Un sueño fue, que no se realizo.
No puedo mas.


Canción perfecta para una ilusa como yo, no creen? La puta historia de mi vida.
La neta, ya sí me doy por vencida. Ya me canse de tanta mamada causada por la ilusión de niña pendeja.

I've been barred from becoming a nun. Mom was down with the idea, but my sister burst my bubble with her "I'll be fucking DAMNED if I have a nun for a sister. I swear I'll prevent that shit from happening. I'll lie if I have to."
I guess she's cooler with the thought of having a Cat Lady for a sister... which is fine... as long as she promises to tell me when I start smelling TOO much like cat piss.

Anyway, application process part two, here I come.

Con musica

I find it only fitting to end the year with music.

The song which will forever remind me of 2010:



Unlike the year it represents, I love it. I'll smile EACH time this song comes on the radio.

Honorable mention goes to:




That shit gets ANYONE motivated during a tough half-hour ab session... and yeah... it doesn't help that I'm a HARDCORE sucker for Pitbull. This is WAY better in Spanish... but I was too rushed/lazy (and still severely mindfucked after watching "Inception" for the first time earlier today) to look for it. Now put up with trying to decipher what she's trying to say... I swear even I have problems.

LAST DAY OF THE YEAR! WOOOOOOOOO!
2011 WILL be good to me.

Quien soy?

I really have lost the will to live.
Last night I turned down a free concert to one of my favorite artists, Juanes.
Me: Just record when he sings "Difícil." I'll be happy with that.
Sister: ... Alright.
Of course, knowing how my luck works, it should come as no surprise to learn Juanes did not sing that song last night.

Anyway, I shouldn't say I've "lost the will to live," that's too fucking harsh, but I am bummed.
Bro flies in tomorrow and we're having anxiety attacks wondering how the fuck we're gonna break the horrible news to him... the horrible news concerning Alo's marriage (we confirmed that she did, in fact, get married before she left for Switzerland. That fucking idiot).
I've been trying really hard to make him laugh these last few weeks... but damn it... I know this nigga's gonna be fucked up for Christmas.
Then I put myself in his shoes, and I get upset.
I'll sit there and listen to my favorite (but sad) songs and find myself crying.
Then I'll find the corresponding music video, and I'll cry even more.
ESPECIALLY after finding the video to the most beautiful song in the universe, Eres (you are):

Eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres.
Mi pensamiento mas profundo, también eres.
Tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes.
Eres, cuando despierto lo primero, eso eres.
Lo que a mi vida le hace falta si no vienes,
Lo único, preciosa, que mi mente habita hoy.
Qué mas puedo decirte? Tal vez puedo mentirte sin razón,
pero lo que hoy siento es que sin ti estoy muerto,
pues eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres.
Eres el tiempo que comparto, eso eres.
Lo que la gente promete cuando se quiere.
Mi salvación, mi esperanza, y mi fe.
Soy el que quererte quiere como nadie, soy,
el que te llevaría el sustento día a día, día a día.
El que por ti daría la vida, ese soy.
Aquí estoy a tu lado, y espero aquí sentado, hasta el final.
No te has imaginado lo que por ti he esperado, 
pues eres lo que yo amo en este mundo, eso eres. 
Cada minuto en lo que pienso, eso eres. 
Lo que más cuido en este mundo, eso eres.
("You can't imaging how long I've waited for you. Well, you are what I love in this world, that's what you are. What I think of ever minute, that's what you are. What I take most care of in this world, that's what you are" THAT'S SO RAFA AND ALO! That shit just stabs my heart)

I had never seen the video until just now... and it gave me chills. Why? Because that boy is SO me... as in, I was the awkward, quiet, lonely, shy kid who just doodled in class while quietly admiring that one classmate.
The way they played with color in that video... fucking SOUL-CRUSHING... but I can relate, more than I'd like.
It makes me sad.
But I do believe it's now my favorite music video (in other words, watch the fucking video). It spoke to me, and it stayed true to the message the lyrics try to convey. Even a person who doesn't speak Spanish would get the point. Sublime lyrics, music, and video. Eaaa, Tacuberos!
If anyone can describe who I really am, it's Cafe Tacuba and their weird/touching/funny/sad/upbeat/dark music/videos... 'cause thats what I am, even if not everyone gets to see all the different aspects... luckily.

See, that's how shit moves from Rafa's heart-breaking situation, to me just being sad about my own shit.
I went ahead and found the video to CT's song that currently best describes me, Esta Vez (this time):

De pronto ya no se que pasa en mi.
De pronto ya no se quien soy.
De pronto ya no reconozco nada de lo que un día fui.
Hoy me pregunto que cambio dentro de mi.
Hoy me pregunto a donde voy.
Tal vez no existen las respuestas para lo que intento resolver.
Esta vez vengo buscando el corazón.
Esta vez lo intentare otra vez.
Esta vez ni más yo tratare de hacerlo bien,
si la vida me regala otra oportunidad.
De pronto ya no se que pasa en mi.
De pronto ya no se quien soy.
Tal vez no existen las respuestas para lo que intento resolver.
Esta vez no quiero otra ilusión.
Esta vez lo intentare otra vez.
Esta vez ni más yo tratare de hacerte bien,
si la vida me regala otra oportunidad.

Props to the guy who can run through the desert barefoot... that shit keeps me form crying, since I'm too busy imagining how much that shit must hurt.
Anyway, the lyrics ("Suddenly I don't know what's going on inside me. Suddenly, I don'y know who I am. Suddenly I don't recognize anything of what I once was." I've caught myself thinking that quite often) and feel (don't act like you've never wanted to break shit in a burning building)... they get me. While the video doesn't grab me like "Eres," I can relate to that sense of regret in this video.
If only I had one more try... one more chance... I'd do better this time.

Hmm... I've managed to make myself sad. I quit, I don't like this game.

Hey, Miss Satanist

Sitting with Mom and Dad, having a pleasant Sunday afternoon at the kitchen table.
My phone rings:

Heyyyy miss murder can IIIIII, hey miss murder can IIII, make beauty stay if IIIII take myyyy liiiiife??

I excuse myself from the table, and speak to my friend who only called to give me details about her flight that comes in on Thursday.
I hang up and return to see an upset dad.

Dad: What does your phone say?!
Me: My ring tone?
Dad: Yes, when people call you.
Me: Well, it depends. Usually it's this one song by a guy named Pitbull... but the song that came on right now is for certain people. It brings back memories. Should I sing it with my mom? She knows it too.
Dad: What kind of garbage do you guys listen to?!
Me: It's a song dad... the guy sounds good. And like I said, the song brings back memories.
Dad: You'll probably start listening to satanic shit and continue to listen because it "sounds" good.

... I guess I won't clue him in on that one song I refer to as "the sexy rape song" ("Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades." Sorry Mr. Lacey, but whispering "This is so messed up" the way you do will only make me WANT to rape you).
... and he'll never know about me listening to Megadeth... or singing along to Tool's "Vicarious" (dear God, I'm sure he'd have some sort of exorcism performed on me).

Angels and Demons

Top Stories of the week:

1. I was approached the other day in this manner:
"Yo... gimme some good break up songs."
Me: What type? There are different ways of approaching a breakup.
"You know... the 'You broke up with me, but I don't give a fuck because I fucking hate you anyways, you fucking asshole and I'm moving the fuck on without your stupid ass' type of song"
Me: Oh... sorry... all my breakup songs are along the lines of "You broke up with me... but it's ok... I'll keep loving you anyway... because I'm a dumbfuck like that..." type song
"Yeah... that shit won't do."

2. I spent the last week going to church EVERY day... all in honor of the Virgin of Guadalupe, who is celebrated today (while I am a follower and I do have her image dangling from my neck in a nice gold chain I've worn since 4th grade... the actual celebration drives me ape shit. WAYYY too many people go to church and act barbaric and DON'T follow rules... etc. It just... exasperates me. For that precise reason, I got my ass up at 4:30 in the morning today and went to the very first mass of the day, which was at 6 AM. Of course, while it went swimmingly for the most part... I got there sort of late and I had to sit in the back with all the men who were sitting there because they were gonna leave ASAP afterwards to some construction site job. Anyway, some of these dudes were... well... being typical Mexicans. One in particular had a thing for leaning into me... like... actually, physically touching me, putting a lot of his weight with his entire left arm all over my arm/chest... and while I'd give him the "WTF is your problem, bitch? Want me to punch you?" look, he gave me the "hehe... it was an accident... for the fifth time..." look. But eh... whatever... at least he smelled nice. haha). One of these days, we got there while English mass was still going on. One of my favorite priests (the one I like getting confessed by) was the one running the show that day, so we (mom, sis, and I) took a seat and listened to the end of it, acting like we knew what was going on and stuff.
Everything was fine and dandy up until the end.
He walked into the... sacristy (?) [That little hidden room where they have the holy water and stuff stashed... where they change into their garb...], he was out of our sight... and that's when it happened:
He forgot to turn off his mic.
The choir was going off singing their song (which I find BORING. I'm not a fan. It's a major reason why I avoid English mass... it's too dry for my taste... the words... the voice... the instruments... the singers... they're so... blah-- and often really mean to us Hispanic people at church... they look at us like we're about to mug their uptight ass) when this super loud... somewhat maniacal laughter overpowered the singer's voice. Everyone looked back at the choir... as if the noise were coming from them... but Little Sister and I knew immediately what was going on...
so we broke laughing... out loud.
We looked around and everyone was freaking out.
Not the typical "AHHHH!! We're all gonna die!" type freak-out... but the "oh... my... God... what... is this... oh... God... what's happening? I'm scared... is this... the end of the world?" type freakout.
The people were frozen in place, looking around wide-eyed, as this LOUD, scary laugh was resounding throughout church.... with the choir lady still singing.
Then the laughing stops... well, from the priest, Little Sis and I are still laughing, tears streaming down our face.
"Ha-ha-ha... FUCK YOU!!" we hear the priest say.
...
o...k... not cool...
And that's when Little Sis and I sort of stopped our fit of laughter and got a little bummed out.

TravelinDin: Dude... he's human afterall...
Me: Dude... I tell this guy my sins... WTF?

"This is not India!" the Priest goes on.
By now, I just wanna go in there to prevent the man from going on and eventually hurting people's feelings any further... luckily, someone beat me to it and the place went silent.
Poor white people (and a family of Indians...) walked out of church pretty upset.
I just laughed for another half hour, then felt stupid wondering if this guy goes around making fun of my sins and stuff...
Poor dude.

3. My remaining grandfather is delusional now. He's going around making up some CRAZY stories about my mom (i.e. that she's cheating on my father so grandpa wants to kill her.... yeah...) and us kids ("They said they were coming to see me... they told me on the internet!" He has never been near a computer...). This has my dad pretty upset. He now wants to exorcise him... because according to Dad, "THIS IS THE WORK OF A DEMON!"

I don't know who's crazier...

Para Llorar, fifth and final volume!

In honor of it being Friday, here is my final (yeah!) installment of my
List of SAD Spanish Songs

Te Voy A Perder – Alejandro Fernández
"No, no te vayas, aun quedan palabras... mil frases del alma y entre ellas no estaba el adiós… espera, por dios."
"Falta besarte más, acariciarte, además de mil cosas que no son hermosas sin ti. No te puedes ir."
(Don't get the color scheme? You will... [think of T.G.I.F.'s marquee] anyway, this guy is telling the girl that she can't leave him because there so much left to do. It's a lovely, pleading song. And Alejandro makes me sigh.)

*Tengo Ganas – Alejandro Fernández
"Tengo ganas de acostarme con la fe de tu mirada. Y que el tiempo se detenga si es que me haces el amor. Tengo gangas de esperarte por el parque una mañana. Tengo ganas de atender a tu mas dulce petición."
"Tengo gangas de inventarle un mandamiento a mis pecados… tengo ganas de ser libre amarrándome a tus pies."
"Tengo ganas de entenderte cuando nadie te hace caso y nadie te acompaña. Tengo ganas de que te des cuenta que este amor secreto es solo para ti."
"Tengo ganas de que tengas ganas de tenerme a mi."
(Yet again, Alejandro Fernandez. In this case, he's singing about unrequited love. He wants her to want him like he wants her... if that makes sense. He says it sweetly... and that makes me sad. Who wouldn't want him?!)

**Tragos Amargos – Ramon Ayala
"Clavado en este rincón, como tu clavaste a mi corazón. Estos tragos que tomo yo, son pura tristeza, y son mi dolor."
"Te fuiste no se porque… yo se que me querías, y se que me adorabas… por si acaso quieres regresar, te voy a esperar."
"Tragos de amargo licor, que no me hacen olvidar. Y me siento como un cobarde, que hasta me pongo a llorar."
(Yeee-hawwwwww! If there's a scream in English equivalent to what this makes me feel, it's that. This guy is basically crying his ass off as he drinks in a cantina. Why is he drinking and crying in a cantina? 'cause his lady left him. He claims not to know why [hmm... maybe it was the drinking?] but says he'll sit and wait for her. Anthem for anyone who gets left by his/her significant other, and now all he/she is doing is drinking at a cantina... what? Americans don't do that? Damn, you're missing out.)

Tu Cárcel – Los Bukis (original) or Enanitos Verdes (pretty fucking rad)
"Te vas amor… si así lo quieres ¿que puedo yo hacer? Tu vanidad no te deja entender que en la pobreza se sabe querer."
"Quiero llorar y me destroza que pienses así, y mas que ahora me quede sin ti… me duele lo que tu vas a sufrir. Pero, recuerda, nadie es perfecto y tu lo veras. Mas de mil cosas mejores tendrás, pero cariño sincero- jamás."
"Vete olvidando de esto que hoy dejas y que cambiaras por la aventura, que tu ya veras, será tu cárcel y nunca saldrás."
(Love it with either group. It's about a dude who gets dumped by his chick for the most frivolous reason: money. He's poor, she wants more, so as she's leaving, he's telling her "Alright, do it. I feel sorry for you, since time will show that you may acquire thousands of things, but never true love. Forget about me, and everything you're leaving behind... for what you'll see will turn out to be the prison you'll never get out of!" Hell yeah, you tell that gold-digger, player!)

Un Desengaño - Intocable
"Un desengaño no es morir, sabrás, porque mi vida es toda tuya."
"Estoy contento, la verdad, con tu franqueza al explicar que llegue tarde a tu amor."
"La vida es corta y al final sabrás que si te quieren ya ganaste."
"Si tu cariño se acabo estoy tranquilo corazón, al fin que nunca comenzó."
"Ya de mi parte no hay rencores porque mi vida es toda tuya."
"Estoy consciente de lo que haces, pero mi vida es toda tuya."
(Song tries to cheer you up when you're bummed... but it just makes you more depressed. Story of a self-sacrificing guy who after a disillusion, tells the girl that he's cool as long as she is. He thanks her for letting him know he's too late to get her, because in the end, the relationship never took-off. And why will he be cool? Because regardless, he belongs to her. Gee, good advice for the rest of us disillusioned souls who aren't nearly as self-sacrificing, dude.)

**Usted Se Me Llevó La Vida – Alexandre Pires
"Usted se me llevó la vida, y el alma entera. Y se ha clavado aquí en mis huesos con esta angustia y esta pena. Usted no sabe que se siente perder. No sabe que se siente caer y caer en un abismo profundo y sin fe."
"Usted no sabe lo importante que fue. No sabe que su ausencia fue un trago de hiel que se ha quedado profundo en mi piel."
"Usted no sabe lo que es el amor, y el miedo que causa la desolación. Usted no sabe que daño causo, como a destrozado a este corazón que tan solo palpitaba con el sonido de su voz."
"Usted es fría, y su maldad le hiela el alma… usted lleno mi vida, toda de dolor."
(There was a time when I couldn't hear this song, because like "Que Lloro," I'd cry-- I mean, the song came in the footsteps of when I found out Altar Boy got that one slut pregnant. This Brazilian man's accent is fantastic. Anyway, another disillusioned person, telling the girl that she took his life [not to mention his dignity if he's going around crying everywhere] when she said goodbye. He accuses her of being a coldhearted... person. What makes me sad in this song, is how he refers to her in the proper "usted" form... as in, the form you use with strangers when speaking Spanish. So, technically, she's now a stranger to him... yeah... deep!)

Volveré Junto A Ti – Laura Pausini
"Volveré junto a ti, a pesar de mi orgullo. Volveré porque se que no puedo elegir. Recordando ahora días de otra latitud. Frecuentando sitios donde tú estarás. Repitiendo gestos y palabras que perdimos. Volveré junto a ti como cuando me fui."
"Tu dime si estas dispuesto a intentar de nuevo con migo un largo camino. Si aun eres tú, si ahora soy yo... como una canción sincera y nueva. Tu dime si esta, si puedo encontrar nuestro pasado en tu mirar."
"Volveré porque en ti, queda parte de mi. Al respirar el aire limpio de tranquilidad… al reencontrar tus manos fuertes otra vez… y no sentirme siempre frágil como ayer."
"Ya no puedo elegir, volveré junto a ti."
(Tsk-tsk-tsk! A girl with no self-respect! But why do I love it so much? She's telling the guy she's going to go back to him, disregarding her pride, because she's in no position to choose. I see this as the anthem of women who get beaten by their husbands... run away for a while, then come back "because of the kids." Pshh... sad song indeed)

Volverte a amar – Alejandra Guzmán
"Voy de prisa, siempre en contra de el reloj. Todo lo que viví nunca fue para mi y aunque duele aceptarlo, es así."
(Amen, sister!! "Everything that I lived, never was meant for me... and while it hurts to admit it, that's how it is." Oh yes... oh yes.)

*Vuelve – Ricky Martin
"Algo me dice que ya no volverás. Estoy seguro que esta vez no habrá marcha atrás. Después de todo fui yo a decirte que no. Sabes bien que no es cierto, estoy muriendo por dentro. Ahora es que me doy cuenta que sin ti no soy nada. Eh perdido las fuerzas, eh perdido las ganas. Eh intentado encontrarte en otras personas... no es igual, no es lo mismo, no separa un abismo."
"Vuelve, que sin ti la vida se me va. Vuelve, que me falta el aire si tu no estas. Vuelve, nadie ocupara tu lugar."
"Sobra tanto espacio si no estas, no paso un minuto sin pensar, sin ti la vida lentamente se me va."
"Algo me dice ya no sirve de nada tantas noches en vela aferrado a mi almohada. Si pudiera tan solo regresar un momento. Ahora es que te comprendo, ahora es cuando te pierdo."
(He's begging his girl [guy?] to come back, because he feels like he can't breathe, live without her. He realizes this all too late... she's gone. Boo! Not fair!)

**¿Y Como Es El? – José Luís Perales
"Mirándote a los ojos juraría que tienes algo nuevo que contarme. Empieza ya mujer, no tengas miedo… quizá para mañana sea tarde."
" ¿Y como es el? ¿En que lugar se enamoro de ti? ¿De donde es? ¿A que dedica el tiempo libre?"
"Pregúntale porque ha robado un trozo de mi vida. Es un ladrón que me ha robado todo."
"El te estará esperando para amarte, y yo estaré celoso de perderte."
"Sonríete, que no sospeche que haz llorado, y déjame."
(Without one knowing the true reason the songwriter composed this, one would assume it's about a woman leaving her lover... and how he doesn't protest, just tells her it's cool because she's going to be happy. He just asks her a couple of questions regarding this new man: How is he? Where did he fall in love with you? Where's is he from? What does he do in his free-time? Ask him why he's stolen a piece of my life... he's a thief who has stolen everything of mine." She cries during this meeting, and he tells her to wipe her face so her now-boyfriend doesn't suspect she cried. Awww! Right? What a great ex-boyfriend! So damn altruistic! Well, this song is actually about a man and his daughter. His reaction to her telling him she's getting married! That right there, brings tears to my eyes. So fucking cute and sad! I'm glad I don't have kids.)

And here's a bonus:
Yo No Nací Para Amar – Juan Gabriel
(This song is probably the saddest EVER created... EVER. I relate... especially with the Nydia Rojas version... it's kinda... the story of my life... especially now that a good number of girls I grew up with are getting married and/or having babies. Not cool.)

I hope no person ever asks me to give them sad song titles...
This was exhausting... and it left me feeling so bummed out.

Para Llorar, Vol. 4

In honor of getting thoroughly "checked out" by a high school "thug" (Chase and I referred to him as BLAsian for the rest of the day... I bet you can't guess why) while having a nice "Buffalo Wild Wings catch up" lunch with my buddy Chase, I give you Part 4 of my
List of SAD Spanish Songs
(You know the drill)

Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti – Christina Aguilera
"Ahora que ya mi vida se encuentra normal… que tengo en casa quien sueña con verme llegar. Ahora puedo decir que me encuentro de pie, ahora que me va muy bien."
"Ahora que con el tiempo logre superar aquel amor que por poco me llega a matar. Ahora ya no hay más dolor. Ahora vuelvo a ser yo… pero me acuerdo de ti, y otra vez pierdo la calma. Pero me acuerdo de ti y se me desgarra el alma. Pero me acuerdo de ti y se borra mi sonrisa. Pero me acuerdo de ti y mi mundo se hace trisas."
"Ahora que mi futuro comienza a brillar… ahora que me han devuelto la seguridad. Ahora ya no hay mas dolor, ahora al fin vuelvo a ser yo… pero me acuerdo de ti."
(I chose blue and "gold" because those were my high school colors. I know, I'm witty, no need to say it. Haha, maybe I should add "modest" to that list. Anyway, on with the song: I love it, because once again, I'm like this. I take a LONG time to get over a guy... and I mean LONNNNNNG time. I tend to be ok after a while, but of course, out of the blue, I'll remember the douche bag and get all upset. That's what this song's about. The chick FINALLY has her shit straight, everything's going fine and dandy in life, but BAM! She suddenly thinks/remembers her ex and everything comes crashing down. Woe. Is. Me.)

*Que Hago Yo - Ha*Ash
"Entraste como un rayo de luz, como un aire encantador. Liberaste con tu hechizo a mi recluso corazón. Tu dulzura corrió por mis venas, creí en tu intención. No pensé que era una mentira, o un engaño, tu amor."
"Se muy bien que harás en sus brazos, pero dime, ¿que hago yo?"
"¿Que hago con mis labios?, si me ruegan tus besos. ¿Que hago con mis manos? cuando suplican tu regreso. ¿Que hago con mis noches? ¿Que hago con mis días? ¿Que hago con tu esencia?, que se aferra a la mía. Dime que hago yo."
(This song always manages to bum me out. It's about a girl, who is seeing a guy who is taken... she knows it and all... she kind of got into it knowing he was taken, but now, she's left to wonder "WTF do I do with all this? I love you..." so basically, she can't handle it anymore... and she's bummed. Makes me feel for the poor girl [that last lyric I have on there always saddens me. "What do I do with my lips, if they beg for your kisses? What do I do with my hands, when they plead for your return? What do I do with my nights, my days? What do I do with your essence, which grasps onto mine?"]. Also, the girls who sing this have awesome vocal ranges... their mom taught them to yodel as kids, so it's never a waste of time to listen to them)

***Que Lloro – Sin Bandera
"Quédate un momento así, no mires hacia a mi que no podré aguantar si clavas tu mirada que me hiela el cuerpo; me a pasado antes, que no puedo hablar."
"Tal vez pienses que estoy loco, y es verdad un poco, tengo que aceptar. Pero si no te explico lo que siento dentro no vas a entender cuando me veas llorar."
"Nunca me sentí tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendí mientras callabas. La vida me dijo a gritos que nunca te tuve, y nunca te perdí… y me explicaba que el amor es una cosa que se da de pronto en forma natural lleno de fuego. Si lo forzas se marchita, sin tener principio llega su final."
"Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender que si me tocas se quema mi piel. Ahora tal vez lo puedas entender, y no te vuelvas si no quieres ver que lloro por ti. Que lloro sin ti. Que ya lo entendí, que no eres para mi… y lloro."
(Whoooa! This song is in my ALL TIME top 3. It has had the most special meaning to me since May 6th, 2004. I was lame enough to cry with it each time I heard it on the radio... to the point where I'd have to switch stations if it ever started to play. The meaning of the song? The guy finally understands that the chick he's loved since... pshh, I don't know, ever? Well, that she isn't meant for him. Just... the lyrics in Spanish... they... ughh, they sting. Nunca me senti tan solo como cuando ayer de pronto lo entendi mientras callabas?? God! That is so fucking true! Anyway, so the guy is getting the courage to finally tell the girl "Leave now, and don't turn back, 'cause you'll see me crying if you do," even at one point telling her to not even look at him as he talks, because that just makes him freeze up. SAD stuff.)

Rió Rebelde – Julio Iglesias
"Tire tu pañuelo al rió para mirarlo como se hundía. Era el último recuerdo de tu cariño que yo tenia. Se fue hiendo despacito, como tu amor, pero el rió hundía. A la playa al fin me lo volverá, pero yo se bien que nunca jamas podré ser feliz sin tus alegrías."
"Te recordare en mi soledad, en el nido aquel que quedo sin luz cuando comprendí que ya no eras mía."
(What's this?! Julio Iglesias makes it in my top list again? Well, yes. Anyway, yet again! A man realizes that the girl he was with is no longer his! I find it romantic and sort of crushing, since it paints a lovely scene in my head. He's sitting at the edge of a river, and he throws a handkerchief in the "wild" river... it's the last keepsake of the girl which still remains in his possession. He then sits there and watches as it sinks in the water... sinking like her love for him ::sad face::. I guess I probably find this sadder than regular folks since I tend to do that kind of shit when in Mexico... I'll sit by the endge of the river and throw sticks/stones... whatever... into it. I just love doing that kind of stuff whenever I'm upset. Just walk to the river... relax... and ponder things while seeing the water flow right on by. I'm sure if I ever took anything with me that belonged to an ex, I'd probably chuck it in the river as well... then stare at it as it sinks... with a tear slowly running down my very disillusioned face. Ha.)

Si La Ves – Franco De Vita
"Dile que yo estoy muy bien (aunque yo se muy bien que no), que nunca eh estado mejor (miente un poco, a mi favor). Si piensa que tal vez me muero porque ya no esta, ¡que va! Dile que al final de todo (no sigas ya mintiendo), se lo voy agradecer… aunque pensándolo bien, mejor dile que ya no me vez. Que me eh perdido y que no voy a regresar. Y dile también, que aunque me llame no contestare… si la vez."
"Si la vez dile que ya no espero su llamada y que ya no me despierto en plena madrugada. Y que ya no la recuerdo y que ya no me hace falta. Dile que ya estoy curado, que lo nuestro ya es pasado."
(This one makes me sad because the poor guy... well... he's freaking lying. He's telling his buddy, who is still cool with his ex-girlfriend, that next time he sees her to tell her he's doing fantastic--never better, that he no longer thinks of her, he doesn't wait for her call at night anymore, that she's coo-coo if she thinks he's going to die without her... etc. Then he takes it all back and tells his buddy "You know what, just tell her you don't see me anymore... that I'm lost... you know... only if you see her." That's a man for you. Good boy!)

**Si No Te Hubieras Ido – Marco Antonio Solís
"Te extraño mas que nunca y no se que hacer. Despierto y te recuerdo al amanecer."
"Espera otro día por vivir sin ti. El espejo no miente, me veo tan diferente… me haces falta tu."
"La gente pasa y pasa siempre tan igual. El ritmo de la vida me parece mal. Era tan diferente cuando estabas tú. Si que era diferente cuando estabas tu."
"No hay nada más difícil que vivir sin ti. Sufriendo en la espera de verte llegar. El frió de mi cuerpo pregunta por ti, y no se donde estas. Si no te hubieras ido seria tan feliz."
(There's a reason they used this song on "Y Tu Mama Tambien." It's freaking great! But thanks to that movie, each time I hear this song, I can't help but think of Diego Luna, Gael Garcia-Bernal, and that one chick dancing together. Ok, the meaning of the song: A guy is lamenting over how crappy life is without his girl. He mentions how everything seems so off-beat to him now, and how life is so difficult to live without her there by his side to make him happy. Pobre amigo.)

**Siempre Hace Frió - Selena
"Este corazón, que aun te quiere, ya esta muriendo tarde con tarde, como se muere la luz del día."
"Ya no puedo mas, tú me haces falta. Vuelve conmigo, alma de mi alma, vidita mía.”
"¿Adonde estas? ¿Adonde estas? Mátame cielo, trágame tierra, quiero morirme si no vuelve mas."
"Ya podrás tener el mundo entero... y entre tus manos toda la dicha y otro cariño mejor que el mió... pero ya veras que todo acaba. Y al verte solo como hoy me siento, siempre hace frió."
(Yey! Selena made it on my list! This song I could SO get twizzted to! Anyone, really, it's a Ranchera! Those always make people want to drink and cry along to the song. Anyway, the title says it all "It's always cold." In this case, it's a girl completely disillusioned with... life. Sure, she got like that thanks to heartbreak, but she does mention in the end that you can have it all-- a love better than hers, all the money in the world-- but in the end, everything ends... you'll be left alone in the cold. All because a girl's love was unrequited. Pitty. Selena's voice in this track, though, is MOST DEF not a pitty! She makes it so damn worth it!)

***Siempre Me Quedara – Bebe
" ¿Como decir que me partes en mi las esquinitas de mis huesos? Que han caído las esquemas de mi vida, ahora que todo era perfecto… y algo mas que eso, me sorbiste el ceso y me desciende el peso de este cuerpecito mió que se ha convertido en rió."
"Me cuesta abrir los ojos, y lo hago poco a poco, no sea que aun te encuentres cerca. Me guardo tu recuerdo como el mejor secreto, que dulce fue tenerte dentro. Hay un trozo de luz en esta oscuridad para prestarme calma. El tiempo todo calma, la tempestad y la calma."
"Siempre me quedara la voz suave del mar, volver a respirar, la lluvia que caerá sobre este cuerpo y mojara la flor que crece en mí… y volver a reír. Y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti."
(Dagger tot he heart. This is my go-to song if I ever want to get depressed. Her voice just... it makes me cry. The point of the song is that, unlike previous songs, the memory of the guy makes the girl happy. The memory of having him once in her life will always remain with her, and that, my friends, makes her happy. I'll admit it... I do think like this sometimes)

*Tal Vez - Ricky Martin
"Tal vez será que esta historia ya tiene final. No se porque, hoy te siento tan distante de mi. Y a pesar que lo intento de nuevo, tal vez llegue tarde, ya no hay nada que hacer. Y no puedo creer que el tiempo que hemos tenido tal vez se nos gasto."
"Tal vez fui yo quien no te dio una noche entera. Nunca te he dado todo lo que esperabas, y no estaba cuando me necesitabas… tal vez no te escuche, tal vez te descuide… tal vez se me olvido que yo te amaba… tal vez."
"Y yo por mi parte propongo intentarlo de nuevo… volver a empezar. Que por mas que lo pienso no encuentro una sola razón para seguir sin ti."
(Literal title translation: "Perhaps." Guy's telling his girl "Yo... ok, perhaps it was my fault. Perhaps I didn't give you an entire night. Perhaps I never gave you what you wanted... and I wasn't there when you needed me... perhaps I didn't listen to you... perhaps I didn't take care of you... perhaps I forgot that I loved you... but hey, we can try again! 'cause baby, I can't find a reason to be without you." Yeah... and perhaps Ricky Martin is gay. [NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! That right there is the sound of my little heart breaking. I love you, Ricky Martin, gay or straight... or bi!])

Te Llame – Cristian Castro
"Te llame porque no aguanto mi tristeza y no puedo soportar tanto dolor… porque nadie va borrar toda la huella que dejaste con tu amor."
"Te llame porque la vida es una sola… y en la mía esta faltando tu calor."
(You know that one person who would always fucking call you to say the stupidest shit like "Baby, I love you." or "Hi. What are you doing?" Well, this guy broke up with his chick and he can't break the habit. He calls her to let her know that he can't get over her... that he misses her... and that you only live life once, and she's missing in his. How cute. Although, if it were my case, I'd probably reply with "How many fucking times have I told you not to call me at this fucking time of the day?! And to say that shit? Fuck you, go to bed!" And maybe that's why I'm destined to become a spinster)

This is probably the second to last post regarding this topic... then, NEVER again (not that I hate it or anything, but it's so time consuming to come up with such a long list! Although, today's choices were full of great songs that make me smile bitterly to myself)!

Now, if you don't mind, I must go away and sulk...
Why didn't high school boys check me out when I was in high school?!