Sunday, December 8, 2013

Because I love you so much

I'm only doing this because I love you so much.

Last night we partied in San Francisco with my gang and the Bay dude I fancy.
Everything was fine and fun and... well, I was enjoying my very limited time with the dude... I had missed that shit.
He very much admired my brother, and they bonded almost immediately.

Jose: AnoMALIE, do you like how I show off your brother?
Me: Indeed, I do.

We pre-gamed pretty hard in Jose's apartment. He was incredibly charming and sweet before the shots started to fly. His undivided attention was for me. I loved every fucking second.

By the time the group stepped out of the apartment (he lives in the heart of the city... very, very stunning place), I noticed good ol' Mario was a little on the defensive side... as in, he was sort of cornering me and sectioning me off from the rest of the people (seven of us). Most noticeably, he was cockblocking THE FUCK out of Jose-- he didn't allow Jose to be near me.

We proceeded to participate in a pub crawl, where the cockblocking only worsened. 
At one point, when I'm sure Mario noted my exasperation/frustration/irritation, he turned to me and wrapped his arms around me. His hug was so tight around me, I could not move my arms in any direction.
Mario: I'm only doing this because I love you so much!
He then leaned into my mouth. I quickly and VIOLENTLY turned my head away from him, as far as I possibly could.
The entire group looked over at us-- Jose included. They were all shocked... eyes were wide open.

Night ruined. I drank like I haven't done in my life. I threw caution to the fucking wind and drank every single fucking drink that was given to me (that was seven jack and cokes... seven. I had taken three Honey Jack straight shots at Jose's apartment. I was fucking DONE).

Love me? LOVE ME? Bro... no. No... no. No. Not fair. Not fair at all.
He had Skyped with his girlfriend hours prior to this bullshit move, where I even "met" her and chatted with her... then he goes and does this? Dude. No.
So much about this upset me... but I would not have been so irritated had this not occurred in front of Jose, you know, a guy who is interested in me as I am in him.
When I'm alone and miserable... and... infatuated with him (Mario), he hurts me with his indifference and that shit of which I complained so much throughout 2008-2010. Then, when I'm on super good terms with him, where I FINALLY truly see him as my brother and move on... even ask him for help to hook it up with his friend... he gets all clingy. The moment he sees that yes, I have a spark with someone other than him... the moment a decent guy thinks I'm pretty fucking cool and attractive, homeboy gets possessive.

I did dance and flirt and enjoyed some together time with Jose later in the night as we hit a club to "dance off the alcohol," but it was no longer the same. And yes, plenty of times good ol' Mario positioned himself between Jose and I... ruining moments and whatnot. The vibe turned more into that vibe of a couple of bros "respecting" the chick of one of the bros... but the WRONG BRO.

I didn't cry, but I did feel this horrible ache in my chest the more I thought of Mario's actions.
"Dude... why? Why would you do that?" was the only thing running through my head as I tried to get some sleep at four in the morning.

That's some fucked up shit. So fucked up. 
I tried for so long, I cried so much, I TRIED SO HARD to get him to love me... shit, I was even fine with just being USED by him... and he didn't take it, he didn't WANT IT.
He was young and stupid, some might say... but... nah, man, nah.

If I can describe what I felt when he said that phrase to me, when he hugged me so tightly... it would be the image of a plain, cinderblock wall under a spotlight... in the middle of nowhere, in the dead of night.


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