Monday, December 16, 2013

I don't like that name

I woke up with that itchy feeling under my left tonsil, that tickle in my left ear canal that lets me know I'm fucked-- I'm sick.

My weekend was spent visiting babies... a bunch of babies. My sister dropped by for the weekend, only purpose being to get her bridesmaid dress altered by our tailor (I mean, we've known the man since I was thirteen... so of course I'm possessive of him. Ha. He's the gentlest man in the world... never allowed me to feel shitty about myself when he'd be doing my quinceañera/bridesmaid dresses. He'd actually very kindly encourage me when he'd have to take in my dress. He wouldn't be like other seamstresses who'd do mean shit like tell all the other chicks in the wedding party about how "AnoMALIE's dropped SEVEN INCHES since I started making her dress! That's... what is that girl doing? And why doesn't she keep it up? She'd be a  NORMAL size if she did").
Since she was leaving at midnight, yesterday was spent in a whirlwind tour of her friends.
The first house was awesome. We decided to visit our "adopted brother"... and he had chocolate chip BACON cookies. Let that sink in. Chocolate chip BACON cookies...
He also has three kids under the age of five.
My sister took the three month old baby, while I was left to play with the toddler girls... well, more like "left to be harassed by two toddler girls."
I hate saying this all the time, but it appears this curse of mine, where adults randomly hate me for NO reason, and make up their mind about hating me before meeting me, is the exact opposite with kids. This is somewhat unfortunate, because everyone knows I fear/avoid children... because there are SO MANY WAYS in which you can permanently damage a child. I don't want to be responsible for messing up a kid with some idiotic remark that comes out of my mouth.
Anyway, these kids wouldn't leave me alone. They would roar at me (one minute they'd claim to be lions, the next I had to refer to them as dinosaurs), want to be thrown in the air by me... play all kinds of violent games with me... all the while, laughing like baby maniacs as if I was the most entertaining... THING in existence.
Then they'd force-feed me the cookies.
5YearOld: Excuse me. Are you hungry?
Me: Me? Ummm... no... not yet.
Two minutes later.
5TearOld: EXCUSE ME! Are you hungry?!
Me: Ummm... maybe in a little bit.
A minute later.
5YearOld: EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU HUNGRY YET?!
Me: Um... yes, yes... I'm hungry.
Melted cookie is slammed into my hand... chocolate smearing the fuck out of it... grossing me out, since it only manages to remind me of... well... poop.

As I was trying to calm the kids down, the younger one calmly sat next to me and started playing games on her mom's phone. The five year old girl walked into my lap, grabbed my face, and whispered
"Excuse me... what's your name?"
"AnoMALIE... but if that's too hard, you can call me Mimi... people call me Mimi," I say.
The five year old giggles and shakes her head.
"No. I don't like that name..." she says.
Join the club, homie.
"EXCUSE ME!" she says. "I like you!"
She was still gripping onto my face, and then proceeded to give me the sloppiest kiss on the right side of my face... chocolate, slobber... teeth.
"I like you too. You're awesome," I say.
"And smart! I'm REALLY smart!" she says.
"And don't EVER apologize for that, my friend."

The rest of the day was quick, a little on the sad side, since it was constantly reminding me that my sister was leaving in a few hours... but I did feel better knowing kids aren't terrified of me.

Then I woke up all sick.
Fucking kids...

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