Te espero, te espero, te espero...
como la niña estúpida que soy.
Me alegro con cada día que pasa, entre mas se acerca el fin del año.
Te espero, te espero, te espero...
Que coraje.
December.
I've always anticipated this month, for one reason or another.
This year it's a bit of... anticipation and dread.
It's not easy, getting accustomed to this "No Darcy" deal with myself.
Some days I do well, carry on with my life without thinking much about the absence of my heart.
But other days... something like... the sight of a Starbucks cup makes my chest cavity hurt.
I miss him. My heart is his, no matter how hard I try to tell it he doesn't want it. He gave you away like some raffled gift, for crying out loud! How the fuck can you still only beat for him?
What makes things somewhat easy is the thought of him being so far away.
There's no way you'd hang out with him anyway, he's SO FAR AWAY. So chill, AnoMALIE. Carry on!
But now he's returning. Now, he'll be a few minutes drive away from me. How will I handle having him so close... yet... knowing... knowing he's so indifferent to me? So impossible? So not mine.
I feel this ache in my heart when I think too much about it... when I think of his return.
I know when I last saw him, I felt this wave of serenity... I felt I was fine. I enjoyed everything.
When I look back, it all feels so... airy... like I'm on clouds... but everything is silent... or like the lull of the ocean.
But... I don't feel fine now. I gave myself these month to let him go, to let the idea of My Darcy fade away, to go to rest... and it hurt, and the hurt never left.
I think of the feelings I will have to knock out if I'm ever again in his presence, and I feel sick.
He's right there... the one person your heart races for, your sight blurs, ears deafen, and room spins-- is right here, in front of you, feeling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for you.
The thought kills me.
So I did the only thing I know how-- I planned a getaway. I am running away.
I'm leaving for a good chunk of his return to the states. I will be road-tripping during the first few days of his visit (ok, this is questionable because I still have shit to fix over here), and will be visiting Mexico from the 21st until the 30th. I will return the day after he has left.
It won't be necessary to learn to withstand the agony his indifference causes me, because... you know, "I'm not even there, so I couldn't even get an invite anyway."
... Delusions that help me go about my life-- they help me smile on good days, they keep me from crying in others.
You're not seeing him because he's not here, not because he doesn't want to see you.
It's the best I can do when trying to explain to my stupid heart why in the hell it's impossible to be loved by the person it chose to belong to, and was instead returned to sender.
(But no worries, my brain knows the truth-- He. Never. Liked. You. He. Never. Will. My heart is the only idiot that occasionally needs that tiny comforting lie)
como la niña estúpida que soy.
Me alegro con cada día que pasa, entre mas se acerca el fin del año.
Te espero, te espero, te espero...
Que coraje.
December.
I've always anticipated this month, for one reason or another.
This year it's a bit of... anticipation and dread.
It's not easy, getting accustomed to this "No Darcy" deal with myself.
Some days I do well, carry on with my life without thinking much about the absence of my heart.
But other days... something like... the sight of a Starbucks cup makes my chest cavity hurt.
I miss him. My heart is his, no matter how hard I try to tell it he doesn't want it. He gave you away like some raffled gift, for crying out loud! How the fuck can you still only beat for him?
What makes things somewhat easy is the thought of him being so far away.
There's no way you'd hang out with him anyway, he's SO FAR AWAY. So chill, AnoMALIE. Carry on!
But now he's returning. Now, he'll be a few minutes drive away from me. How will I handle having him so close... yet... knowing... knowing he's so indifferent to me? So impossible? So not mine.
I feel this ache in my heart when I think too much about it... when I think of his return.
I know when I last saw him, I felt this wave of serenity... I felt I was fine. I enjoyed everything.
When I look back, it all feels so... airy... like I'm on clouds... but everything is silent... or like the lull of the ocean.
But... I don't feel fine now. I gave myself these month to let him go, to let the idea of My Darcy fade away, to go to rest... and it hurt, and the hurt never left.
I think of the feelings I will have to knock out if I'm ever again in his presence, and I feel sick.
He's right there... the one person your heart races for, your sight blurs, ears deafen, and room spins-- is right here, in front of you, feeling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for you.
The thought kills me.
So I did the only thing I know how-- I planned a getaway. I am running away.
I'm leaving for a good chunk of his return to the states. I will be road-tripping during the first few days of his visit (ok, this is questionable because I still have shit to fix over here), and will be visiting Mexico from the 21st until the 30th. I will return the day after he has left.
It won't be necessary to learn to withstand the agony his indifference causes me, because... you know, "I'm not even there, so I couldn't even get an invite anyway."
... Delusions that help me go about my life-- they help me smile on good days, they keep me from crying in others.
You're not seeing him because he's not here, not because he doesn't want to see you.
It's the best I can do when trying to explain to my stupid heart why in the hell it's impossible to be loved by the person it chose to belong to, and was instead returned to sender.
(But no worries, my brain knows the truth-- He. Never. Liked. You. He. Never. Will. My heart is the only idiot that occasionally needs that tiny comforting lie)
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