NOvelas

My mom drives me apeshit.
The woman watches SEVEN soap operas in ONE day... SEVEN!
She monopolizes three televisions in the house, including mine, so I'm forced to relocate as she watches/records some ABSURD story of a drug lord, or pirate, or Moroccan whore... at all times of the day.

Back in the day, I confess I was a major telenovela fan. I'd rush home sometimes in order to make it in time for the afternoon soap that addressed some form of teenage angst- girls going to high school, getting pregnant, going through some sort of eating disorder, that kind of stuff.
But NEVER did I spend my entire day juggling seven soap operas.
WTF... if she's that interested in stories... she might as well listen to my shit. I swear, my life trumps any of her soap operas.

Want a story with pirates? Ok, my friend Lucky Soprano swears she's a pirate and, often times, tries to make me speak to her in "pirate."
Ni!!a, I have enough trouble juggling English, Spanish, French, and Portuguese in my head... shut the fuck up with this nonsense. You're not Johnny Depp, I'm not going to try and amuse you with my Arrrrgs, and I will definitely not be shivering your timbers.
And truth be told, I've had plenty of crushes on dudes with long hair. No, I don't get it either, it doesn't make sense, but it happens. I blame the 70's- which oddly enough, has plenty of that pirate-y look with the bandanas and all. You forced me to dig that decade, now suffer the consequences.
I've also dug "rebellious" boys I've so desperately wished could whisk me (your good girl) away, across the ocean, and towards the New World (although in my case, it's in the opposite direction, with Barcelona as my destination), like that idiot girl in your stupid pirate novela.
Oh, Ma! Me thinks I got yer pirates in me story!
However, I'm not too big on sailboats, or missing teeth... or hooks for hands... so... I'll have to work on that.

Story about a drug lord?
Umm... hello? WHY? We come from Durango... we travel to-and-from Durango every year. MGH's dad was the biggest DL of his time up until the day of his mistress' betrayal that lead to his murder, and MGH and his brother were given a bogus story about a car accident, since they were only about twelve when their father died. Ooo! Tragedy!
I have known MGH's dad's true story since I was ten, I was shown photos of his death shortly after it occurred... yet to this day, I still hide it from both MGH and his brother. How long can I keep that secret from them? Will they hate me once they find out... if they find out? Oooo! Drama!
I have spent a total of maybe 6 months at MGH's mansion in Mexico... put up with the strong paranoia ruling the family, having to walk in dimly lit rooms so as to not give away my exact location in the house. We wouldn't want a sniper mistakingly taking me out of this world just yet. Oooo! Adventure!
I've been in love with MGH, the man's son, for the last year! I went on trips with him... we spent nights together side by side... I almost moved in with him. Will I one day finally sleep with him? (Ouuuuch! The answer here is NO! I ultimately get my heart ripped out after he leaves me for a bland, Olive Oyl-looking-ass white girl who has NO clue about his family history... but hey, at least I don't get pregnant) Ooo! Romance!
and you'd still rather watch this damn fake soap opera?! I mean, the fucking list can continue, why listen to person X's invented life when a true story on DLs was almost part of your own?

And finally, a Moroccan whore.
Well... I have... Afghan friends... ?? No, they're not whores, but... I do have a minor crush on one of my friend's siblings. He too, like the lead character of the soap, is muslim... and I, well, I'm Catholic... but Jewish would have worked better here... although... I am technically, in part, ethnically Jewish.. so... hey! story right there! I also get confused for Lebanese, Pakistani, or Afghan while at my eyebrow threading place, I can easily make that work.
But I'm not a whore... and I'm not really down to turn into one in order to become entertaining. So... I guess that one must stay. At least you learn mini factoids about Islam and Moroccan culture... that's always a plus.

Madre mia, give me a couple of months... I'll give you plenty of stories to waste your time!
Now please surrender my television... Hell's Kitchen is on and I have things to learn! That Gordon Ramsay swears like a sailor, and I need to brush up on my skills.