WHAT am I DOING

There's a heaviness in my chest... I haven't been able to shake the sense of sorrow I acquired on Saturday.
I seriously have to sit there and battle with my rib cage so it can allow my lungs to expand.
I haven't said much... I haven't smiled.
I went to bed at two in the morning last night, and reluctantly rolled out of bed four hours later.
I went through the usual prep before work... but once it was time to go, I just stood in front of the giant mirror sliding doors in my room and watched the tears roll out of my still-swollen eyes (I guess I should mention they were like that because I had spent the night crying).
What am I doing? WHAT am I DOING?!
I kicked off my shoes and crawled back into bed.
I rolled into the fetal position, closed my eyes, and blacked out.

I woke up two hours later to a text from Musketeer.
Are you coming in today?
I told him I was feeling sick (which was also true. I've been fighting a cold for a few days now. My tonsils swell every other day), but I'm sure it irritated him... especially since I wrote back two hours after he had sent his text.
I don't blame him if he feels like shaking me around, out of frustration... I wish I could do that exact same thing to myself.

This is what happens when I spend so much time and effort trying to convince others I'm ok.
I come apart at the seams and completely collapse.