Enough. Enough.

Less than 24 hours until I turn 27.
Kind of pointless, since I've been dead for the last year.

All the while... as I suffered that pain... that burning sensation in my chest... the hallowing out... the thought that kept me standing was "Well... shit can't possibly get worse."
As always... as fucking always... I was wrong.
Last year was the year of getting slapped to reality in my "career" dreams. And I took it pretty poorly.

This year... this year has become the year that smears my heart into the wall. Rips my heart out of my chest and throws it fast-ball-style against a cinderblock wall.
It's the year that says "Love? Love does not exist for you, AnoMALIE. Shit... not even 'like' I'm afraid."
The year that makes me realize what a fucking blockhead I've been about this entire subject.
What a fucking stupid fantasy world I've been living since... since I first laid eyes on my first crush... Amadeos.
There's that "Forever Alone" meme that I must say, is often funny... but... in complete honesty... one hundred percent sincere... those two words are me. You cannot imagine how perfectly they describe my life. The extent to which this is true... a subject I don't get into with anyone... not to the full extent. Not even my sister knows. No one does. It's just something I carry in silence... something I've learned to hide and ignore throughout my life... make up stories in my head that I force everyone to believe... myself included... because it makes living much more bearable.

But yesterday... yesterday was that terrible bucket of ice-cold water to my back. The water to snap me to reality while someone screams "WAKE TO FUCK UHHHHHHHHH-P!" in my face.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been listening to Chopin's Etude Op. 10, No. 3 obsessively since last night... still unable to control my sobs as I blast the song into my eardrums... tears streaming down my face, with no signs of stoping.
That is my song. My song. The song that follows me. The song that plays in the movie of my life. The song of a disillusioned, broken, lonely girl.
The song for the point at which a girl comes to the terrible realization that no matter how hard she tries, how much she dreams, happiness was just not meant for her.

And no, I'm not being dramatic. If you only knew. If you only knew... you'd agree.
But don't worry, if that's what was starting to creep into your mind--fear for my wellbeing. I mean, yeah, I'm not ok. I'm devastated and defeated, but you don't have to worry about me doing anything crazy. I made the decision a long time ago that I'd carry on with life for as long as... well, some freak accident, or sickness, or plain old-age takes me out.

Old age.
27.
It feels like 72.
I enter it... soul-less.
Resigned to be alone. Forever.

No more wishing on stars... or wishing as I blow on a dandelion. No more dreaming. No more hope.


There's a scene in "Love Actually" which made me freeze when I first watched it back in... '03?
It hit close to home. It was my favorite scene.
Mark confesses his love to Juliet.
Then when he's alone, slight difficulty breathing, all he says to himself as he walks away is "Enough... enough."
Enough.