Fluffy, like a cupcake.

I love hearing Mom talk about me to people over the phone.

She says fantastical stories about me, and I can hear them all!
It's awesome.

Really? I said that?
OMG... I stood up for myself like that?!
Wow! I scored higher than anyone else on that exam?!
I'm freaking awesome!

Yeah... no... Mom lies.
I wish I were really as smart and witty as Mom makes me out to be.
Adds pressure when I meet people.

This is her? I thought you said she was witty/smart/talkative?

No... I'm really just a mute who nods or shakes her head when someone else talks to me.
Sorry to disappoint, homes.
***
Anyway!
I have no idea how to translate this one Spanish word I'm really fond of:
Alcagüeta.
I suppose it means someone who's sort of nosey. We use it when we refer to some lady who helps conceal an otherwise "forbidden" or secret relationship... or someone who helps bring about a relationship behind the parent's back.

Well... I enjoy the latter. I fucking love hooking up people.

That's what I've been up to lately.

Little Sister's been bumming around for the last couple of months because her "boyfriend" (not legit boyfriend because all they really did was make-out every now and again) dumped her for an older woman (I've never seen Little Sister hate on a chick as much as she hates on this girl... lady... whatever she it. Even if the woman's 8 years older than her, Little Sister's fearless about talking shit and calling her names to her face. Little Sister's funny).
So Little Sister's been going around listening to sad music (my sad music is better... she listens to too much Hip-Hop and rap... that shit could never depress me nicely, it'd just make me feel cocky) and writing poems (she's done this since her first "boyfriend" dumped her back when she was 4).
She'll go off in Spanish, English, and when she wants to be really poetic, she goes off in Portuguese.

So, me being her smarter, more experienced sister (haha), I have been doing my best to hook her up. Is there any other way of cheering someone up?

There's this one boy who practically worships the ground she walks on. He's loved her since she was in Middle School. He's told everyone but Little Sister that he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen (when everyone around him told him to ask Little Sister to prom, his response was "No, I won't, because she's too beautiful to go with a guy like me." Which made me frown for him). You know, all that cute stuff really sprung guys say about chicks.
He's a cutie... and each time I see him, my heart melts for him (like my heart melts for baby colts, baby bunnies, etc. Not in the way it melts for Cristiano Ronaldo. No, no). He makes me want to squeeze him and "Aww!" whenever he's mentioned.

He has maintained a friendship with Little Sister ever since their graduation. He'll text her while he works and he's probably the only guy I've seen that makes my little sister smile... and not because he's being some rico-suave loser like most guys she digs. This guy's an innocent, shy, little... cutie (see, I talk about him and I can't stop gushing) who makes Little Sister smile like she used to as a kid.

Well, anyway, this guy works at a bakery (Awwwwwwwwww!! I tell you!) and he's been promising Little Sister cupcakes for a while now.
The first two times he brought her some, he left them at Twiggy's place.
Since Twiggy's a bitch, she kept them all (two freaking dozens! Selfish bitch).
Well, he became a little angry about this, but he still didn't want to come to our house to give Little Sister her cupcakes. However, I convinced Little Sister to give him the green light to come to the house (Yes! Free cupcakes for me, boyfriend for her!) .

My Little Sister's odd... so instead of letting him in the house, she waited for him outside. Of course, since I'm an alcagüeta, I went to my bedroom and looked out the window.
I gushed, of course, when I saw their exchange.
They're fucking adorable. He does the whole kick-an-imaginary-rock thing while Little Sister plays with her hair and smiles coyly (I'm jealous of that move... since I can't play with my hair without looking like I need some sort of lice-removal shampoo). I wanted to applaud, I was so happy.

I then had a talk with Little Sister about how we once mentioned how stupid girls were for liking guys that treated them like shit.
Me: Fool, remember how we were watching Maury that one time and we were making fun of the chicks?
Little Sister: The dumb asses that would get screamed at, and beat by their husbands?
Me: Yep.
Little Sister: Yeah. How we said girls were stupid for liking jack-asses that treated them like shit.
Me: Precisely.
Little Sister: So?
Me: Well... here you are crying over *Bastardwholeftherforgranny*, your second "boyfriend" after *BitchLiarwhodidSisterVERYwrong*... and that other dude *SluttyGuyWeCouldCareLessAbout*. And here you have CuteCupcakeProvider who worships the ground you walk on.
Little Sister: But I can't like him! He reminds me of my brother!
Me: Fuck it! Get over it. He looks nothing like Older Brother, and he's the nicest, cutest boy I've met.
Little Sister: *Older Brother*!!
Me: Right now, you're being one of those stupid-idiot girls who like being treated like shit!

Our conversation went on like this for a while... her calling CuteCupcakeProvider *Older Brother* and me convincing her that they looked nothing alike and that she was being stupid (Plus, CuteCupcakeProvider would never fight with her like Older Brother).

What happened? I got all of Little Sister's coworkers and friends to think like me.
What did Little Sister do? She agreed to give CuteCupcakeProvider a chance... but that he still needs to ask her out... which is possible as long as I somehow let him know... or just convince Little Sister to be a lot more flirty with him... and drop hints.

Boyfriend for her... free cupcakes for the rest of the household!
(and they're not even regular cupcakes! They're awesome, fluffy, pretty, artsy cupcakes from some fancy cupcake store. This kid went to school to learn how to bake cupcakes, for crying out loud! I've died and gone to heaven, I tell you!)

Finally, I do something great with my life!