Part of it is due to my extreme shyness (something I was born with, I suppose... because I can never remember being outgoing... except for this little stint in first grade where teachers had me parading around dancing to salsa music dressed like Chiquita Banana--I have video footage of that shit-- but that wasn't just me. There were about 7 other little girls and 8 little boys... and we'd dance for white people... yeah... inner city Latino kids dancing at important meeting to make hoighty-toighty businessmen look... tolerant of others... while us poor inner city kids felt like monkeys on a string. How horrible.), but I also keep to myself because others just love putting your shit on blast once they find something out.
Talking shit about others is like... a second job for some people in my Mexican town.
Knowing this, I opt not to let these people know jack about me.
If I went out and surveyed the people from my town about things they knew about me, this would pretty much be the list:
1) She has a younger sister that is very pretty, and an older brother that's very tall (we're talking about Mexicans here. Any guy above 5'9" is considered "tall." Eduardo Najera's a fucking anomaly there... a freaking circus freak).
2) Her brother went to Iraq and Afghanistan (which he did not but I can't get that through their heads. He went to Korea and Guam... two countries most people--where I'm from at least-- don't even know are countries).
3) She's really shy and quiet.
4) She doesn't like parties (yeah... because 98% of them are fucking Laaaaaaaaame).
5) She doesn't dance (one of my favorite misconceptions... especially when they think I don't dance because I don't know how... or I don't have rhythm... I LOVE that! Especially since they don't care to know I'm a violinist).
6) She's never had a boyfriend (They say this because I've never been involved with a boy from my part of Mexico. As rude as this may sound, with the boys from Mexico, I wouldn't even hold hands--in a romantic sense. Why get involved with a drunk/drug addict/womanizer? Fuck that. I'll die alone before I ever start taking care of a waste of a human like that).
7) Her parents are strict (Gee, I wonder what ever gave them that idea?).
8) She's a really good girl.
9) She's really studious (I suppose...).
10) She looks sad all the time (if in my shoes, wouldn't you be as well?).
11) She lives in a mansion (ha-ha-ha)
12) She's loaded (ha-ha-ha)
13) She never misses mass... although she never takes communion...
14) She likes animals (::sheepishly:: yeahhh... I do).
15) She mean-mugs people (yeahhh... I do).
16) She hates smokers and drunks (yeahhh... I do).
17) Don't ever piss her off (they've seen me get into a verbal/physical altercation with Sister/Brother/Girl-ten-years-my-senior at the park).
18) She wears dresses/skirts only to church.
19) She's tall with big tits that she tries to hide by wearing sports bras and layered shirts or sweaters.
20) She has big lips--that I bet are fake-- and big eyelashes--which I know aren't fake because I've pulled them before.
Anyway, sometimes I'm so caught up with covering my tracks and being as secretive as possible, that even my own family gets mystified by my existence.
Last night was a great example of that.
Mom and I visited her sister (my aunt's live-in daughter-in-law was there too) since we hadn't seen her since July, and the night turned into this weird... The View thing.
The hot topic of the night was marriage (yey... hooray...).
Auntie started talking about how she felt that if she had another chance at life, she would have done many things differently... especially romance-wise. Auntie began talking about her married life and how she sort of regretted some aspects of it. Her husband was her first boyfriend... first kiss. etc, etc (etc's that I'd rather not know about but she always manages to give me TMI... she's the same lady I had the condom conversation with a while back). The conversation went a little like this:
Aunt: I don't know... I mean... if I could do it all over again... I'd definitely do things a lot differently.
Mom: Why?
Aunt: I don't know... I just... now that I'm old, I wish I could have known what it's like to kiss another man... you know... taste another man.
Me (internally): Ay tia! Don't get that freaking mental image in my head!
Mom: Hmm... I don't doubt you now wish that more than ever... considering the new rules of dating!
Auntie: Especially now, knowing the new rules of dating.
Mom: Like how now people are no longer "novios de manita sudada" (literally "boyfriend/girlfriend of sweaty hand" you know... because back then all they ever did was hold hands) and they now go all the way...
Auntie: Yes!!!
Mom: (grossed out face... kind of in disbelief, too) I was kidding! Look at you! OMG!
Me (internally): Thank God my uncle's asleep right now...
Auntie: Well, you don't know what it's like! You had more than one boyfriend before you married your husband, didn't you?
Mom: ...yes...
Auntie: And you kissed more than just one guy... right?
Mom:... yes... I... had a couple of "little kisses"
Me: Ewwwwww... don't you go around talking about that.
Auntie: You had... *Guy We Still See Around And Who Is Bald As Fuck Now*, you had... *Guy Mom Traumatized By Lying To Him And Agreeing To Marry Him Once He Came Back From The States And When He Did She Was Already Married To Dad So Now This Guy Has Refused To Marry Another Woman And He Now Leads A Sad Lonely Life Caring For His Aging Mother*, you had...
Me: Yaaaaaaaaaa! No more... don't you mention those men in my presence!!
Mom: What? They were good guys!
Me: Lalalalala...
Auntie: Why?
Me: Moving onnnnnn....
Me (internally): I fucking damn the moment I sat at this table...
Auntie: I didn't have anyone! I just... held hands... held hands!!
Mom: So... at least your husband can feel proud knowing you only had eyes for him...
Auntie: But I'm not wrong in wishing I could have kissed... tasted... other men, right AnoMALIE?
(Quiet... everyone seems to wait for my answer as if I hold some PhD on this subject)
Me: Well... um... at least you never knew the pain of getting heartbroken... ???
Mom: Yeah... and then feel stupid about having kissed So-and-so.
Me: Yeah... and you never got your heart broken (AnoMALIE's a broken record, in case you've never noticed).
Cousin-in-Law: And there won't be any room for comparisons...
Auntie: No, no. AnoMALIE... imagine (I loved how she said "imagine" as if I've had 50 men in my life and it'd now be too difficult to remember "innocent days." Fantastic. Ok, Auntie, I'll try my hardest to "imagine" being innocent) how would you feel if you had to go around for the rest of your life knowing you were only going to kiss... hug... feel... this one guy... ever. No other guys in your life... ever. Just this one guy... the first guy you ever dated. The only guy who ever had the guts to ask you out on a date. After a while, wouldn't it make you wonder what other guys are like?
Me (internally): Holy cow... what the hell? Auntie... you've been hanging out with the Salvadorean ladies at work for too long.
Me: Umm... I guess... not really. I'm kind of jealous of what you and my uncle have.
Auntie: But try and imgaine you've never kissed anybody before!!!
Me (internally): Shit... my kisses are worth fucking gold! I don't just give those shits out for free in the first place.
Me: Yeah, I'm trying (I almost got the hiccups right here from holding in my laughter for so long)... I say it because... umm... well, that'd mean I was lucky enough to find my husband on my first try... so... I wouldn't be bothered knowing I never had to kiss any toads to find prince chanrming... and... he'd never be able to... recriminate me for my behavior with previous guys... so I guess it's a win-win situation...
Mom: How are you giving advice... when have you had a boyfriend or kissed a guy??
Me (internally): Fuck. This. Table.
Me: ::shrug:: uhhh... when... I... was 6... ???
Mom: Whennnnnnnnn?
Me (internally): Think fast... think fast...
Me: ::smile:: Who... said... I... I'm... only... "imagining."
Auntie: The girl's 22 years old, Comadre, you'd be a fool to think she's never kissed guys before.
Mom: She's never brought anyone home... so she's never had a boyfriend... so where'd she kiss these people?
Me: No, no, no, no... Mom... I'm...
Me (internally): Fucked...
Cousin-in-law: You've never had a boyfriend?!?!
Me (internally): Fuck. This.Table.
*Note to self*: Sometimes it's best to keep your shit to yourself. Also, watch out for Mom and Auntie... you'll end up the loser in that tag-team grilling.
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