Me: What?
Aunt: Is there... did you...
Me: ... ?
Aunt: GOD! No need to say more! What is wrong with you, AnoMALIE?!
Last night, my aunt didn't take too kindly to the news: I did not find a boyfriend, I didn't even hook up with a dude, while in Mexico.
"How the hell are you ever going to get married?! Are you SCARED of men?!"
No, I'm not scared of guys... I absolutely love them... but I'm just not interested whatsoever in hooking up with a guy from Hometown... or the area around it.
And marriage? Get. The. FUCK. Out. Of. Here.
There are people in this world made for marriage... they grow up playing with dolls and playing house, then proceed to look for a guy to marry in their teens.
Others... not so much.
I'm of the latter, even if this doesn't sit well with Hometown people.
Knowing this, I told her what did happen this summer:
There was one dude who wouldn't leave me alone.
Apparently, he's the only dumbass who doesn't understand I don't date Hometowners.
He first hollered at my sister a couple of years back, and she shot him down... he earned the moniker of "CockBlocker" that summer.
He's a big idiot... a BIG BIG BIG IDIOT. He'd ditch school all the time, he would bully any boy smaller than himself (which meant nearly everyone in school--oh yeah, I know this because I went to second grade in Mexico) and he would kill birds, puppies, and kittens... no, I'm serious.
He has always been of the "school is stupid/boring, I think I'm Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn but I'm too psychotic to really be him" type. He dropped out after 6th grade... if he even finished that shit... and he proceeded to spend his life drinking and smoking... and killing more kittens and puppies.
Anyway, he would hound me during volleyball matches this summer.
He'd always try to be on my team, and when AGAINST me, he'd throw all the balls my way... even spiking on me some times (flashing that "Puppy-Killer" smirk that sends cold chills down my spine).
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, RETARD?!
Once I screamed that at him, he quit playing, and would opt to stand on the sidelines and stare at me while drinking (proceeding to smash the glass bottles against the volleyball court... which was like "WTF, imbecile?!") or smoking (which again, was like "Umm, isn't that counterproductive, asshole?").
Is he plotting to kill me? WTF?
This of course, would agitate me because 1- I hate smoking, 2- What kind of retard, besides a bum or high schooler playing hooky, drinks at a park when there's still sun out? and 3- People staring at me drives me insane.
After about three days of this shit, my agitation led me to commit the dumbest mistake: On the fourth day of his bullshit, I didn't play. I stood in the sideline while all of my friends played.
Now I won't be giving this asshole a show each time I go for a dig.
Knowing this, I told her what did happen this summer:
There was one dude who wouldn't leave me alone.
Apparently, he's the only dumbass who doesn't understand I don't date Hometowners.
He first hollered at my sister a couple of years back, and she shot him down... he earned the moniker of "CockBlocker" that summer.
He's a big idiot... a BIG BIG BIG IDIOT. He'd ditch school all the time, he would bully any boy smaller than himself (which meant nearly everyone in school--oh yeah, I know this because I went to second grade in Mexico) and he would kill birds, puppies, and kittens... no, I'm serious.
He has always been of the "school is stupid/boring, I think I'm Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn but I'm too psychotic to really be him" type. He dropped out after 6th grade... if he even finished that shit... and he proceeded to spend his life drinking and smoking... and killing more kittens and puppies.
Anyway, he would hound me during volleyball matches this summer.
He'd always try to be on my team, and when AGAINST me, he'd throw all the balls my way... even spiking on me some times (flashing that "Puppy-Killer" smirk that sends cold chills down my spine).
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, RETARD?!
Once I screamed that at him, he quit playing, and would opt to stand on the sidelines and stare at me while drinking (proceeding to smash the glass bottles against the volleyball court... which was like "WTF, imbecile?!") or smoking (which again, was like "Umm, isn't that counterproductive, asshole?").
Is he plotting to kill me? WTF?
This of course, would agitate me because 1- I hate smoking, 2- What kind of retard, besides a bum or high schooler playing hooky, drinks at a park when there's still sun out? and 3- People staring at me drives me insane.
After about three days of this shit, my agitation led me to commit the dumbest mistake: On the fourth day of his bullshit, I didn't play. I stood in the sideline while all of my friends played.
Now I won't be giving this asshole a show each time I go for a dig.
I stood and kept tally of the match, arms crossed.
He approaches me... I give him my REAL stink eye... and he continues with his annoying, moronic conversation, while reeking of Barrilito beer.
Why do I only get the crazy, drunken idiots talking to me?
He kept asking stupid questions with obvious answers... then he proceeded to try and talk soccer, since I had been talking about ManU the day before. OF COURSE he knows jack shit about soccer.
Then, after various sighs and looking up at the sky on my behalf, came the golden moment:
Him: Am I bothering you?
Me: Yes.
Him: Did I do something wrong?
Here comes my idiot nice side...
Me: No... I'm just... irritable today.
Him: So is your anger directed at me?
Me: (internally) YES, YOU FUCKING MORON! (Spoken) Nope.
Him: Well, I've been trying to find a way...
Me: (internally) no no no no no no no... why... WHY?
Him: To ask you to... you know... would you like to... you're so beautiful...
Me: (internally) LAAAAAAAME!!! You just had to say that in front of everyone, didn't you?
Him: I would like you to be my dance partner for the wedding.
Me: No.
Him: Even if I ask you at the wedding, you'd turn me down?
Fuck being nice, apparently people only understand CuntAnoMALIE.
Me: YES.
Him: Why?
Me: Because I hate the music, I hate weddings, and I don't like you.
Yes, I made a scene at the park, in front of my friends and family... and I couldn't live that moment down the rest of the summer.
The longest week of my life.
Aunt: What's wrong with you?! He's a nice guy! That was your chance!
Me: HE HAS THE BRAIN OF A SECOND GRADER!!
Aunt: Beggars can't be choosers...
Me: Between THAT and nothing, I'd rather have nothing.
Aunt: You're going to end up alone...
Me: Well, it appears I'm already old... so it's quite possible.
He approaches me... I give him my REAL stink eye... and he continues with his annoying, moronic conversation, while reeking of Barrilito beer.
Why do I only get the crazy, drunken idiots talking to me?
He kept asking stupid questions with obvious answers... then he proceeded to try and talk soccer, since I had been talking about ManU the day before. OF COURSE he knows jack shit about soccer.
Then, after various sighs and looking up at the sky on my behalf, came the golden moment:
Him: Am I bothering you?
Me: Yes.
Him: Did I do something wrong?
Here comes my idiot nice side...
Me: No... I'm just... irritable today.
Him: So is your anger directed at me?
Me: (internally) YES, YOU FUCKING MORON! (Spoken) Nope.
Him: Well, I've been trying to find a way...
Me: (internally) no no no no no no no... why... WHY?
Him: To ask you to... you know... would you like to... you're so beautiful...
Me: (internally) LAAAAAAAME!!! You just had to say that in front of everyone, didn't you?
Him: I would like you to be my dance partner for the wedding.
Me: No.
Him: Even if I ask you at the wedding, you'd turn me down?
Fuck being nice, apparently people only understand CuntAnoMALIE.
Me: YES.
Him: Why?
Me: Because I hate the music, I hate weddings, and I don't like you.
Yes, I made a scene at the park, in front of my friends and family... and I couldn't live that moment down the rest of the summer.
The longest week of my life.
Aunt: What's wrong with you?! He's a nice guy! That was your chance!
Me: HE HAS THE BRAIN OF A SECOND GRADER!!
Aunt: Beggars can't be choosers...
Me: Between THAT and nothing, I'd rather have nothing.
Aunt: You're going to end up alone...
Me: Well, it appears I'm already old... so it's quite possible.
So, true to my old lady nature, I excused myself from the table and went to bed at 11PM.
I'll put off buying a cat for a little longer, though, I'm not sure I'm ready for that commitment.
I'll put off buying a cat for a little longer, though, I'm not sure I'm ready for that commitment.
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