Sunday, August 22, 2010

Is that normal?

Pacemaker: AnoMALIE, I found the love of my life. He's the most handsome man I have ever seen... he's young, he's successful... he lives in the Oakland hills... I'm in love!
Me: Oh wow. How'd you guys meet?
Pacemaker: He drops by work once a week to make purchases. I can't tell you how many times I've stared at his number on my cell... debating whether or not to call
Me: WAIT! He gave you his number? And you haven't called? What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot?
Pacemaker: For work purposes... so I just took that shit and added it in my phone.
Me: Eww... you little creep. I'm not friends with stalkers, fool.
Pacemaker: Oh yeah? Well, I'm not friends with girls who refer to their crush by last name... Mr. Darcy, really?!
Me: It's a military thing, genius.
Pacemaker: Where you in the military?
Me: No.
Pacemaker: Exactly, so how the hell is that normal?
Me: ...and stealing numbers from work is very normal.

Hmm... I guess I'm not very normal about Darcy.

It's not that I was a soldier at some point in my life... that I live some sort of militant life... but I just grew accustomed to calling Darcy by his last name (along with a ton of other people).
First, Bro joined the Army, and most of our conversations revolved around his army friends. Last names were all we used.
Then I met Darcy in a class with a professor who used to be in the army... so we all just referred to each other by last name.
Understandable, right?
Do I think it's weird that I refer to Darcy by last name? A little... but, it's better than constantly saying my dad's name (yeah, not the business).

Also, I guess referring to him by last name helps me put that distance I need... because the feeling isn't mutual. (Rejection's never fun... and let me tell you... rejection's my middle name!)
I practically pass out with a minute of his attention. He forgets if I ask a question.
This last-name basis helps tell my brain "RELAX, idiot! The guy barely knows you're alive."

I remember he'd be chill in class, while I'd be looking at anything but him... the entire year.
I could probably draw the pattern of the fake wooden table we sat at before I could tell you the color of his eyes.  
Does he have super dark colored eyes, or are there flecks of light brown somewhere? God... I don't know. BUT! He did have this really cool belt buckle... no, really, I was staring at the buckle and only the buckle, ok?
It took me a minute to notice the guy even had dimples... I think... I don't know... no, yeah, he does.

I don't know what it is about him that turns me into a 12 year old... it's not like he did anything... I was just automatically smitten (even if the comments the teacher made regarding his stories might have made any other girl sort of cringe and think "WTF is up with this dude?" I'd be disappointed about not being able to read it).
The room gets brighter, I forget to breathe, I get light-headed... all that shit when he's around... I'd even have to fight this really weird urge to hug him when I'd bump into him. ??

And here, you have me referring to him by the name of an awesome protagonist in a classic. No, I don't think he's arrogant like the guy in the book... but dreamy and awesome like Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy? Hell yeah.

I try to be cool, calm, and collected around people... make them think I'm devoid of feeling, but Darcy totally kills that aspect of me.
I can pull off being cold-hearted as long as no one brings up Darcy-- something possible up until now, since so few know what's up (although there are some trippy coincidences there... like how one of my cousins went to third grade with him... and I'd always fight with her and I remember her once saying something along the lines of "I wanna go back to *elementary school*! My boyfriend's over there." "You don't have a boyfriend, loser!" "Yes I do!!! His name is *Darcy*" and then we all laughed because we thought she pulled that name out of her ass to impress the rest of the neighbors. Sure, Crystal, your boyfriend's name is my dad's name... lame ass! 
My middle school BFF also "dated" him... for a day, I think she said. Funny stuff).

Do they see the twinkle in my eye when I mention his name? Maybe.
Can they hear a switch in my voice when I say his name? Absolutely.

Do I like the fact that someone can get me like this? No... and Yeah. Yes because... it feels nice to smile and know that hey, at least I bumped into someone who made me all stupid and giddy without even trying (or knowing). No because... it's just one-sided. It's creepy (not "I'm gonna steal his number from work" creepy... but I might as well be his version of the Puppy-killer. Approach him while I'm intoxicated, reeking of Barrilito beer, and ask "Hey... what's your name again?" "Darcy..." "See, I knew that. I just wanted an excuse to come talk to you... you're so beautiful." Oh, I didn't mention Puppy-killer's opening-line with me? Well, that was it. Magical, right?)... and that's why I just... I need to put the wall up. I can't get attached... and knowing that pretty much sucks.

I'd rather keep this image of Darcy, this quiet little... illusion (delusion? Ha!), instead of receiving that rude awakening.
I don't want the walls to crumble and see that he was just a guy I shared a class with for a year, talk to sporadically (in the six years of knowing him, there have been moments where it takes years to cross a word with him. Ha, this would make the greatest movie ever... or the most common movie ever. Girl meets boy, girl is instantly smitten while guy is aloof, guy and girl go separate ways, over the course of the years the girl keeps bumping into guy or things that remind her of him... the end is still unclear, but I can pretty much assure you the end would be sad), and that I actually sort of bug him.
I don't want to hear that Yeah, no... sorry dude, but you're just like... an ex-classmate... I'm flattered, but... chill the fuck out.
Because that's what happens to AnoMALIE. To dudes, I'm just cool, that's it.

Just keep it at he's awesome... he's incredibly intelligent... I smiled like an idiot around him... my heart-skipped a beat... but I never let him know... so my bubble never burst.

And that's why I relate to him on a last-name basis.
"Entre vivir y soñar, está el despertar," pero en este caso, prefiero estar soñado.
Call me weird if you'd like... I don't care. However, none of this "No, tell him! maybe..." bullshit, because we also know how that works out.
Who the fuck do they think I think I am? Megan Fox? Pshhhh!

(See, Mooney, right there with ya... No se me aguite, que ahi estamos muchas)

4 comments:

Mooney said...

Pacemaker OBVIOUSLY doesn't get it. LOL. Especially since Darcy's name isn't far from...well Darcy! I wish I had a Darcy, I can only dub him the name, haha.

Man, oh man, my "situation" has escalated a bit from yesterday morning. Cause you know how I like to write emails...well I sent him one and he responded back rather quickly and that's how it all got a bit out of hand. Though it had gotten settled until he realized I deleted him from FB, cause I tend to do that too, and I think he's a little peeved cause of that.

So now I'm at odds with what's going on in his mind.

Atleast you're super chill with Darcy! And LOL at how my friend is friends with him. xDD

AnoMALIE said...

oh, you little irascible M, you! Din is just like that (deleting dudes she argues with off FB). Esta enojado o "disappointed?" :/ son amigos de nuevo o que?

As for being "super chill" with Darcy... I dunno if I could say that. Each time I write back to him, I have to fight the urge of only writing "ahhhhhhh!!" as my comment (I'm just lucky he doesn't get to see my ridiculous grin). Plus, I'm too lame to actually chill with him.
and yeah, it's crazy to see just how small the world really is.

Mooney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AnoMALIE said...

well... it looks like we'll have something to talk about tomorrow! haha