On your own

Some people are just meant to be alone (yup, sorry, emo post).

It's crazy, because even when I try to stick with someone, to be close to them, I get pushed away.
I say this because of my sister.
I honestly don't know how...  to express how I feel about that kid.
She uses me when she's alone. Because she feels stupid when she has to face anything by herself.
She isn't meant to be alone.

If I ever... for whatever reason... you know, maybe, just maybe, I feel a little... tired of being so alone... I'll ask her if she wants to do anything with me... I have to brace myself for her cold rejection.
It's like... it really irritates her. She'll scoff... then ask me why I can't do anything on my own.
Homie, I've been doing it on my own since... Rafa entered kindergarten.
She'll hesitate if we're invited to the same event... which, if it's a pretty cool event, I'll act uninterested and encourage her to go on her own.
The same would happen back when we were little. She was the popular cute kid, and she'd go off and do her own thing with the girls at the party... usually running away from me before I had a chance to catch up, so I'd have to rely on the kindness of the boys... who'd let me play whatever the fuck they were playing... or they'd at least let me watch (hence where I learned to be an observer. Never really participating in anything. I just watch everything pass me by).

This behavior has reemerged as of recently... I really don't understand why.
She won't want to do anything with me, but will go off with some friend a couple of days later and do whatever it is I was interested in.
It's an ugly feeling.

This came up because today, since MGH is in town, he invited us to hang out with his friends. I wanted to go... which is a little out of character, but it's just me, trying to get out of my depressed funk. Anyway, I wanted to go, but didn't want to be the only chick there--especially when dealing with MGH (I already spent this afternoon hanging out with him... just us two... and that was interesting to say the least)-- so I asked her to please join me. She brushed it off. So... I'm... pretty much home alone, typing this shit up.

Onto what upset me most today: D has planned to spend her birthday in DC with our bro.
Mom and Dad want to send me out there. They think it'd be cute to have all three of us together.
I was excited, because I had never seen Dad so insistent in me going somewhere.
I brought it up to her... and she became angry.
WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING BY MYSELF?! It's a four days weekend with my brother!
...
And that quickly shut me up. I didn't even argue.
When someone gets that perturbed over me being in their company, I'm not going to force myself.
It only hurts because... I mean... if my siblings can't stand me... how the fuck can I expect strangers to want to put up with me?
I'm sorry I offend you so much? I'm sorry to burden you?
What else can I say?

And that's why I've learned to embrace solitude... because it's... pretty much expected of me.
(And yes, it happened again. The cute kid chose her. Hm. I don't understand why I get surprised or upset when it happens. I SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW)

I'm not always going to be here, you know...